Media Coverage of Weblogs
Congratulations are in order for Chris, whose weblog, the Chris Hill Festival, was mentioned in a recent Student Life article by Jessica Minnen.

Unfortunately, due to his trip to the West Coast, Chris's most recent weblog post still has those damned badgers. And as soon as I typed "badgers," I started singing the song in my head. Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!! Oh God...oh god...oh god...

Another terrible childhood aiment
I remember when I was a kid, and I'd read books or watch TV all day, or go out and ride my bike, or whatever the hell it was I did, and I'd find a way to cause myself pain. On the bike, I'd...well, I'd fall off the bicycle, and scrape myself up. Reading books, I'd give myself a bit of a cramp on whatever arm I was leaning on, or maybe a neck strain, or what-have-you. Watching TV, I was certainly the victim of eyestrain, since I'd watch the boob tube for hours on end without so much as blinking.

But now, we see the latest scourge in childhood illness, the "Hogwarts Headache." Symptoms, oddly enough, include headaches, and a physician is linking the malady to children reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for too long, causing tension headaches and other problems.

I'm glad that physicians are linking otherwise strange headaches to reading, because it means that kids are, in fact, still literate. I'll spare my audience from any "back in my day" diatribes, but suffice it to say that we played fewer video games and read more books than today's generation of lollygagging, loitering, loafing layabouts.

But honestly - naming the disease after a popculture phenomenon? What's next? Are we going to start labeling muscle pulls in Little League baseball players Griffeystrings, or Mo Vaughnitis? Crash your skateboard into your garage, kids, and Dr. Johnson is going to write "obvious Tony Hawk Abrasions, with X-games femoral fracture" in your chart.

And, of course, television injuries must be named and renamed. Your ass is numb from sitting too long? "TNT Bad Movie Marathon-induced nerve compression." Eyes dry? Chances are better than not that you've got "LeBron Commercial Disease." And, saddest of all: what previously was called a "Baywatch callous" may soon be renamed "Aguilera's Palmar Growth."

Another Bengals Gloat

Wow...not only did the Bengals win yesterday (alright, it was a less-than-decisive victory), but they now have a winning record in October for the first time since 1989.

Now where's my Ki-Jana Carter jersey?

Week 8 NFL Picks
I have no idea what my cumulative record is on NFL picks, but then because so few people actually care, I don't feel I have any real reason to go back and check. So there. Ha.

Without further ado, my NFL picks for week 8! *cue music*

-Carolina at New Orleans: This could be the game where Aaron Brooks and the Saints re-legitimize themselves as contenders for the AFC South. This could also be the game where Superman comes down from the skies and shags Lois Lane on the 50-yard-line for the halftime show. I think both events are equally likely. Carolina

-Cleveland at New England: Playing the Cleveland Browns is not nearly as easy as it was in, say, week 2. But I think New England is coming off a huge win against Miami, and has a lot of momentum. New England

-Dallas at Tampa Bay: Dallas's record is due in large part to the fact that they haven't played teams this year that were all that good. Sure, they beat Philadelphia and the New York Giants, but please - they lost to the Falcons. Still, I think Tampa hasn't been playing up to their ability lately, and I don't know if that's going to stop here. I think this constitutes a semi-upset. Dallas

-Denver at Baltimore: Danny Kanell is sick with the flu, and was stumbling all over the Denver practice field ralphing up his lungs. Jarious Jackson, the team's only healthy quarterback, was given the start, even though he wasn't even good enough to be a third-string player this year. That's right, kids, he was signed as an emergency measure ONLY. This does not bode well for your team, Mr. Shanahan. Baltimore

-Detroit at Chicago: No shocker here - Steve Mariucci has the Detroit Lions headed in the right direction. I think that Dick Jauron's team is headed in the complete opposite direction. Or maybe they've gotten to Suckland already? Detroit

-N.Y. Giants at Minnesota: Minnesota's offense is always wide, wide open, and I don't think that New York's banged up secondary can really do much to control Minnesota's wide receivers. Randy Moss will explode, but so will all of the underrated guys who play with him. I don't know their names, that's how little props they get. New York

-Seattle at Cincinnati: I picked the Bengals last week, and I think I look pretty good for it. The question this week is whether Jon Kitna can a) play a second straight game without doing something really, really stupid, and b) whether the Bengals can take advantage of Shawn Springs's absence. I doubt it, BUT it should be noted that Seattle has one of the three worst pass defenses in the league. I don't think Corey Dillon's outburst on Tuesday will be any more of a distraction than Corey usually is. This will be close. Bengals

-St. Louis at Pittsburgh: The Rams look to be clicking on all cylinders again, although Arlen Harris is a bit questionable in terms of starting ability. I like the kid - I picked him up for my fantasy team. But I don't think he really has the experience of starting against the still-agressive Pittsburgh run defense yet, and that's going to show. Still, I like the Rams to win. Saint Louis

-Tennessee at Jacksonville: I'd like to congratulate Jack Del Rio for knowing that switching to the shotgun will be a better way to introduce Byron Leftwich to the NFL; the kid played that almost exclusively at college, and he did quite well, thank you. But couldn't he have waited until they were playing a suckier team? Tennessee

-San Francisco at Arizona: I think I may be ill - I'm picking the Cardinals. Maybe it's because I really, really dislike Dennis Erickson. That could be it. Well, my feelings not withstanding, this is my Upset Special. Arizona

-Houston at Indianapolis: Now that Tony Dungy has been able to get his team fired up at the appropriate times, and now that the idiot kicker and unenthusiastic quarterback have gotten in tune with each other again, the Colts look really, really good. Houston is still an expansion team - give Capers one more year before you hand him the Lombardi Trophy. Right now, the Colts are the better team. Indianapolis

-N.Y. Jets at Philadelphia: I really can't comprehend Donovan McNabb's stats this season: 91 for 190, for 854 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 6 interceptions. The guy is hurting something awful with his bad thumb, and it's time for Andy Reid to let the guy rest a week. Chad Pennington's return will re-energize the Jets, and don't be surprised if they win a lot more games now. Jets

-Buffalo at Kansas City: After last night's debacle between the Falcons and the Bengals, you would think that the TV networks would have pushed harder for flexible scheduling, so they could avoid showing crapfests like this on television. They apparently didn't, though, and millions of people are going to watch the Bills lay one foul egg. Kansas City

-Miami at San Diego: Believe it or not, this is my official Close Game of the Week. Miami's playcalling is probably the worst in the league, as they run on 1st and 10 a whopping seventy percent of the time. Patriots players last week admitted that they'd just line up in a run defense on first downs, knowing that a run was what they would indeed see. Note to Miami's offensive staff: Change this. It's a shame they never listen to my letters. On the other side of the ball, San Diego is still...San Diego. I think they're going to exploit Miami's inability to pass on first down, and keep this game in reach for a while. In the end, Miami will prevail.

An interesting use of Government Humor
I must admit, I despise Wal-Mart. I admit that they do have (some) quality goods at low prices, but the fact of the matter is that I'd rather spend a little more for a higher-quality item at a locally- or regionally-owned business, pumping more of my money back into the economy that I'm most directly involved in. I think Bentonville, Arkansas probably has enough money running around, thank you very much. Wal-Mart made its name in liberal business America by opening up, cutting costs to much lower than what mom and pop were able to sell stuff for, and then raising prices again when the competition went under - leaving me with no place to buy my clothes than a cinder block box.

Another reason that I truly despise Wal-Mart is the fact that they have a tendency to classify employees as "managers," and then force them to work overtime. There are several class-action lawsuits pending against the company now, and several more that have been settled, for doing this, which is an illegal activity (hence the lawsuits). The firm has also been fined millions of dollars in several states for altering timesheets so that employees would not get overtime pay. One such judgement, later reduced, fined the company an amount equivalent to 10% of its total liquid assets.

And now a new reason to dislike the company has come up: hiring illegal workers.

As part of "Operation Rollback," a recent series of arrests in 21 states netted 300 illegal immigrants, who were employed as contract cleaning workers by Wal-Mart. Now, generally, a company is not wholly liable for the hiring practices of a contractor, unless the company knows that the contractor is hiring illegal immigrants as workers. Tape-recorded conversations indicate that several Wal-Mart executives did, in fact, know about this practice, and have been called to testify.

The best part about all this is that it stemmed from two earlier investigations, in 1998 and 2001.

People in Arkansas, especially those at Wal-Mart, tend to be fairly conservative folks, and despised NAFTA because they claimed it would take jobs away from hard-working Americans and send them to Mexico because a company could make stuff for less there than here. In reality, there are more jobs now than in 1994, when the agreement was implemented, according to the Heritage Foundation. One cannot complain that this is liberal bias, because the Heritage Foundation is a conservative think tank, "whose mission is to formulate and promote conservative public policies," according to their web site.

So despite the fears of NAFTA-haters, it wasn't really the agreement that's costing American jobs - it's companies like Wal-Mart, based right here in the USA, that are doing the job instead.

More sports!
Before I delve into a political post (which is coming, I promise!), I thought I'd point out that West Virginia University's football team, the sometimes-venerable Mountaineers, knocked the Virginia Tech Hokies to the mat tonight in a 28-7 shellacking that wasn't really as close as the score indicates.

It seems odd, of course, that 28-7 could actually be worse than it appears, but let me say that it really was. West Virginia's quarterback, a young man by the name of Rasheed Marshall, seems to have Kordell Stewart's disease: he inexplicably prefers running the ball to passing it. I'm not really sure what to make of the trend that over the last decade has seen slow running backs with decent arms play the QB position, but whatever. The Tommy Frazier topic can wait for another day. Back on-topic, imagine what the score would have been had Marshall had a better passing day than 7-14 for 162 yards, 93 of which came on one play. Gadzooks, it could indeed have been worse!

The real point of note here is not the drubbing which my home state's football team delivered upon the Castrated Turkeys of Virginia Tech. The real thing to notice here is that Virginia Tech was ranked number 3 in the nation, according to the Bowl Championship series. Of course there is an "Any Given Sunday" school of thought these days that with good reason carries over to Saturday NCAA games: any team can beat any team, yadda yadda yadda. I was always under the impression, though, that the BCS proclaimed to be above that, that it was nearly foolproof, that the top teams as indicated were, in fact, the top teams in the nation.

THe BCS ranking system is designed to take into account the records of each team's opponents, and of each team's opponents' opponents. So, in theory, the team with the most wins against the strongest schedule would be the number one team in the rankings.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the computer rankings - somebody forgot to mention that VT's opponents were very, very bad. The Hokies this season, in addition to the West Virginia team that until tonight was 2-4, have played or will play Central Florida, James Madison University, Connecticut, Temple, and Rutgers. These are hardly national title contenders.

And that brings me to the downside of the "Strength-of-schedule" argument that the BCS proponets put forth. Let's take James Madison as a hypothetical: JMU might play, say, a lot of D1-AA teams. Those teams, without the recruiting power of a D1A team, would probably lose to JMU. So JMU looks like a strong opponent on paper. "But the opponents' opponents' records matter, too!" BCS-niks will scream. True, they do. But let's presume that JMU's opponents are all very good 1-AA teams - meaning that the opponents's (James Madison's) opponents' (D-1AA teams) look strong, making VT look better as well.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the BCS is a crock of flaming dog poo, something which pretty much everyone outside the NCAA and the American Broadcasting Company know. But today's game merely proves that the BCS overrates teams in weak conferences, and perhaps underrates teams in strong conferences who lost one game to a very good team. Undefeated does not mean best, BCS-niks.

After all, WVU finished undefeated in 1993, and look what happened to them.

Read an excellent recap of the VT-WVU game here

Coming Soon!
Brian opines on the fake letter-writing campaign to soldiers' home newspapers! Woooo!

Just to prove that I'm a tool
As promised, I'm providing a comparison of my NFL picks prowess to two randomly selected ESPN personalities. I'll pick one from each conference, so let's say...Eric Allen (AFC) and Sean Salisbury (NFC).

My week 7 picks record:
9-5 (I incorrectly picked Miami, Houston, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, and Washington to win)

Eric Allen's week 7 record:
Also 9-5. (Mr. Allen incorrectly picked Miami, New York Giants, Cleveland, Tampa Bay, and Washington).

Sean Salisbury's week 7 record:
8-6 (Mr. Salisbury incorrectly picked Miami, the New York Giants, Cleveland, Detroit, Tampa Bay, and the Ravens).

So, if one were to look only at the three of us as the totality of NFL pick'em expertise, one could conclude that the victories by New England and San Francisco were upsets.

Hmmm...I wonder how TO feels about that?

A disturbing dose of cuteness

Well of course you're puking! It's Coors light!

Another late round of NFL picks
Well, for the second straight week, I finished at 8-6...not bad, considering that I really have no prognosticating ability at all. But anywho, there's fourteen more games this week, and I intend to finish over .500 again.

By the way, I'll post how those ESPN "experts" are doing on Tuesday, just so I can feel some sense of self-worth.

Sunday's games:
-Baltimore at Cincinnati: As I said last week: This is football? Where? I don't see any. The outcome depends on who stops the run better, and when Jon Kitna's drive-killing interception happens. Cincy (this pick may or may not have anything to do with Kitna being my starting quarterback over Drew Brees)

-Dallas at Detroit: Just to make the San Francisco 49ers' front office to look even stupider, I'd like to see the Lions win more games this year than the 49ers. Problem is, that's hard when you play teams like the up-and-coming Cowboys. Dallas

-Denver at Minnesota: Steve Beuerlein? Is he still playing? Apparently so, and this is a great game for Minnesota to re-introduce Daunte Culpepper to the game of football. Minnesota

-Green Bay at St. Louis: I like Brett Favre, I really do. He's a class act, he's a great football player, and he looks like he's having too much fun for a 34-year-old who was cast off by the Atlanta Falcons (who, by the looks of things, could have used him over the years). But...the Rams have a few too many weapons. This game could go either way, but I'm pulling for the home team Rams. Saint Louis

-New England at Miami: How New England won at all last week, I do not know. But the Dolphins look a lot better than they did in week three, they look a lot better than the Patriots, and Ricky Williams remains very, very good and very, very healthy. Miami

-New Orleans at Atlanta: This game is being promoted in Atlanta as "Suckfest XVIII," and with good reason. Both teams suck. Can NFL games end in a tie? Yes? Good. Because this one probably will. There are no winners here, but I lean slightly towards Atlanta

-Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants: The Giants displayed some glaring weaknesses last week, one of which was that Tiki Barber still has the dropsies. I like the Phillies - I mean, Eagles. Philadelphia

-San Diego at Cleveland Cleveland apologists will say that the loss of two interior linemen this week means, nothing, that any widebody can block and play center. These are the same people who throw batteries at opposing players. San Diego is due, in my Upset Special. Bolts

-Tennessee at CarolinaThis is definitely the Close Game of the Week. You have a guy who's among the best quarterbacks in the NFL, going up against a defense that's been less than stingy against the pass. On the other side of the ball, there's an offense designed to bludgeon the opponent into submission, but the main wrecking ball, Stephen Davis, may have a few fumble issues with his bruised arm. I'm calling the Titans in my Close Game of the Week.

-N.Y. Jets at Houston: Vinny Testaverde is still the Jets' starting quarterback. A run'n'shoot QB in a west-coast offense? Houston

-Chicago at Seattle: It would be nice to look at this game and think that Chris Chandler gives the Bears their best chance to win. Perhaps if the Bears were playing the Raiders again, I could say that with more conviction. As it is, I know I'll be spitting milk out my nose if I try to make myself sound serious. Seahawks

-Tampa Bay at San Francisco: That's right - Dennis Erickson still sucks in the pros. Maybe he'll be better next year; I don't know. But I do know that Tampa Bay is going to eat gimpy-ass Jeff Garcia for lunch. And Garcia is still ugly. Tampa Bay

-Washington at Buffalo: Billed as the game that brings Bruce Smith back to Buffalo, looking for his NFL record in career sacks, this would be better served by saying that it's "the game with two struggling offenses against two mediocre defenses." Problem is, that didn't fit on the gameday programs so well. Washington

Monday's game:
-Kansas City at Oakland: For my fantasy football team's sake, I hope that Rich Gannon doesn't even play. Not that it would matter, though - Oakland is slowly proving that Bill Callaghan is a moron, that his assistants couldn't coach babies to crap their diapers, and that forty-year-olds should be selling floor coverings (like Ickey Woods), rather than playing professional football (like the Raiders). Kansas City in a blowout

Well, that's it. I'm off to enjoy a smoothie.

A conference divide?
An funny thing happened to this week's NFL picks at ESPN.com.

I got really bored, so I decided to take a look at the 8 expert picks for the Bengals-Ravens game (Ok, I wasn't bored, I'm a Bengal fan, which is infinitely worse)...and here's the thing:
ESPN has 8 experts who regularly pick game winners. four spent the single defining moment of their careers in the NFC, and three spent that defining moment in the AFC. Chris Mortensen, who has no pro football experience , is the eighth man.

What's strange, though, is that each of the players whose defining moment was with an NFC team picked the Ravens to win. Each of the players whose defining moment was in the AFC picked the Bengals to win. I can't explain why that would be. The Ravens and Bengals are both AFC North teams - before that, they were both AFC Central teams. Before that, they were the Bengals and the original Cleveland Browns, both AFC Central teams. So there's not really any conference loyalty that could be going on there.

To muddy the water even further, Merril Hoge actually spent most of his career with the Pittsburgh Steelers, another AFC North (formerly in the AFC Central) team. His defining moments as a player, though, were the two concussions that he earned in a Bears uniform which ultimately ended his career. So anyway: Here's the pick breakdown:
NFC
Ron Jaworski (Blew the Super Bowl for the Eagles): Ravens
Merril Hoge (Bears, suffered two concussions which rendered him stupid): Ravens
Joe Theismann (Redskins, had his leg snapped by Lawrence Taylor): Ravens
Sean Salisbury (Vikings, didn't do anything, really): Ravens
AFC
Mike Golic (Raiders his whole career): Bengals
Mark Schlereth (Broncos): Bengals
Eric Allen (Raiders): Bengals

Chris Mortensen (Sportswriter): Bengals

I wish I knew what was up with that, but I'm at least heartened that the Bengals are being given a 50-50 shot to win this week. Who knows? Maybe they'll actually do just that.

Week 6 NFL picks
You know, there's something October football, that harkens back to the days of yore - when we were young, and our hearts were open books. You used to say, "Damn, those Bengals were good," (you know you did).

But now they suck ass. At least their ass-sucking is put on hiatus for a week while they contemplate facing the Ravens in week 7. For now, though, the line on them is BYE (-7) at CIN. Watch for Brandon Bennett to make his presence known.

But fret not, for 28 other NFL teams are playing this week Some of them, believe it or not, are worse than the boys in stripes. And so here are the picks for those 14 other games:
Sunday, October 12:
-Carolina at Indianapolis: You know, there's something in the air in Carolina, that makes the boys strong and the girls really hot. Unfortunately, there's something in the water in Indianapolis, that taints it brown and makes them really, really good at football. Plus, the Colts have Ricky Williams version 2.0 IND

-Chicago at New Orleans: Everybody knew the Bears would suck. But the Saints? Come on, folks, it's not December yet! But, as I've said before, Aaron Brooks will get benched in favor of a real quarterback sometime soon. But the Saints still won't win. CHI

-Houston at Tennessee: This has the makings of an upset, and I think the time is nigh for the Titans to lose a game, and for the Houston defense to show up again. Just kidding. TEN

-Kansas City at Green Bay: You can't kick to Dante Hall. You can't kick away from Dante Hall. So the Packers have devised a brilliant strategy: Don't score, and commit a LOT of turnovers. KC

-Miami at Jacksonville: I picked Miami to lose to Buffalo and make Dave Wannstedt's seat that much hotter, back in week 3. Didn't happen. Won't happen now, either, especially since rather than the Bills, we're talking about a team who's kicker hurt himself CHOPPING WOOD IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH A FREAKING AXE. MIA

-N.Y. Giants at New England: Something about Bill Belichick scares me something awful. I don't know what it is, but I know it's there. Back on topic, the patriots will lose. NYG

-Oakland at Cleveland: For Tim Couch's sake, I want the Browns to win. I mean, the guy's a competitor, and he's got a heart of gold. Really soft, easily hurt gold. But Bill Callahan can't be THAT bad a coach, and Charlie Garner has to get some carries sometime. Why not now?OAK

-Philadelphia at Dallas: All the controversy over Donovan McNabb and Rush Limbaugh seems to have (thankfully) subsided, so I thought I'd bring it up again just because I'm a dick. McNabb played pretty well, and had some good post-touchdown routines. The Cowboys haven't really seen anything like him this season, and I think the Eagles are going to beat the 'boys down a bit. This is my Close Game of the Week* PHI

-Tampa Bay at Washington: When LaVar Arrington is making threats against your most noticable player, you know you're going to win. TB

-Baltimore at Arizona: Somewhere in the desert southwest, a young man will stumble upon a game where 22 men run at each other for control of a leather spheroid. Just not in Tempe. BAL

-Buffalo at N.Y. Jets: The Bills, like the Browns, are a study in schizophrenia. One week they look like one of the top 5 teams in football, the next week they don't even look like they'll finish the season ranked above high school teams. This is my upset of the week, especially with Moulds out. NYJ

-Pittsburgh at Denver: Jake Plummer's looking sore, Tommy Maddox is looking weak, and some famous guy whose nickname is "Famous" is a starting running back. I don't have anything even remotely witty to say here. DEN

-San Francisco at Seattle: Dennis Erickson, the very bad 49ers head coach, is reunited with his old team, where he was a very bad coach. SEA

Monday, October 13
-Atlanta at St. Louis: I imagine that Doug Johnson wishes he were dead right now. I think a Monday Night Football game, in front of the whole country, would be a good chance for him to come out of his shell and market himself as a decent quarterback. Unfortunately for him, it won't happen. Where are the Bengals when you need them?STL

So that's how it goes. I was 8-6 last week, and that's not good enough, so I'm hoping for 0-14 this week.

*Previous Close Game of the Week entrants have been:
Rams at Seahawks (week 3) Final score: 24-23 SEA.
Detroit at Denver (week 4) Final Score: 20-16 DEN
None (week 5)

Question of the day
Who actually uses the word "salient?"

Fun with translators
Alright, I have to admit that I blame this post entirely on Chris and his goldarned badger post that he got from someone else.

Here's the link to the badgers, mushrooms, and snakes, if you haven't already seen them.

So someone on mikebrownsucks.com posted a silly flash song, and I responded with the "Big Guns," as I called them. The Badger "song." I used a close approximation of Chris's description of it. He called it, "A Treatise on Badgers and Their Interactions With Mushrooms and Snakes in Their Natural Habitats." I believe that I called it, "a treatise on badgers and their interaction with fungi and predators in their natural environment." Close enough that it's considered plagiarism if I don't credit Chris with the idea of how to word it. So that was Chris's work. Good job.

(See the whole MBS thread on the subject here.)

Now that that's out of the way, badgers have come up several times on the message board, all with negative connotations. At one point, I posted something like, "If that link leads to badgers or porn, I'm going to be pissed," to which another poster replied, "Check out http://www.badgerporn.com/mikebrown" Great...a 70-year-old loser of an NFL owner with badgers. Just what I need to finish off my monday.

But that got me to thinking, for some reason, about complaining about the lack of both badgers and porn at that website. The website doesn't exist, by the way. I tried.

So I opted to swear at him in Spanish. And then I really got to "thinking."

What happens if I run my post through a Systran translator, like babelfish, multiple times in a strange language? I know! Korean!

What follows is perhaps the funniest thing to come out of Altavista in a long time, and they don't even know it.

The English equivalent of what I posted
Where are the badgers? They are not there! And there are no naked girls either? Shit.
English-->Korean-->English
There is a Badger to where? From that place there are not them,! And from that place nakedness is the girl is which piece? Human waste. I have no idea where that badger is headed, but I reckon you better get on it an' get outta Dodge, mister.
English-->Korean-->English
From that place does the Badger happen in the place? From that place them,! The naked body girl which formation of a cabinet peels from that place and it happens it happens? Human being superannuation water. Cabinet? Annuation?
English-->Korean-->English
It does inside the place where it happens the Badger from that place? From that place them,! The formation of the market peels the body girl who is naked and it happening from that place and happening? Human being old adjacent waters. That's right, you let those old adjacent waters know who's boss.
English-->Korean-->yada yada yada
It in the place the Badger happens from that place and me it does on place internal? From that place them,! Place and it happens in formation me of market from to happen and I it it is naked peel the body girl? The human being long becomes and the adjacent waters which is contiguous.
English-->Korean-->English, one more time to keep the giggles coming!
Inside place it the Badger happens from that place and the B which it does in inside place? From that place them happening inside formation,! From me of place and it market it happens and it nakedness of the I is the shell body girl it happens? The human being which is contiguous becomes the adjacent waters which is contiguous for a long time. I hope I never become the ajdacent waters which is contiguous for a long time.

I have to admit I'm very curious as to where in the world those capital letters came from. They weren't in there at all to start with. But you want to know the best part? That's not how it translated it at all the first time.

So, in a roundabout way, the Chris Hill Festival has taught us all a valuable lesson: the Korean language is not meant to interact with badgers.

Oh crap, it's almost noon!
Here are the week 5 picks, released at the same time that the Fox NFL countdown guys release theirs. So I don't want anyone telling me these are "late."

Arizona at Dallas, 1:00 pm: Bill Parcells has done a wonder with the Cowboys. How, I don't know. But they're gonna win. DAL

Cincinnati at Buffalo, 1:00 pm: How can I say what I'm about to say? As a Bengals fan, I deserve to be beaten. But I think the Bills need this game more. Perhaps they'll play too tight and get all stupid and stuff, but I don't think so. Mad props to Marvin Lewis, but really, the Bills are the better team. BUF

Denver at Kansas City, 1:00 pm: A tilt between two high-powered offenses, and Jake Plummer has to lose sometime. KC

Miami at N.Y. Giants, 1:00 pm: Ricky Williams is as close to a god as any person has been since Achilles. And Williams is less of a whiner. MIA

Minnesota at Atlanta, 1:00 pm: Rumor has it Falcons owner Arthur Blank is losing faith in, and patience with, Dan Reeves. I don't see why; Reeves is too good a coach to let this season go totally down the tubes with the talent level he's got. He just won't get it turned around this week. MIN

New Orleans at Carolina, 1:00 pm: Would anyone be shocked by Carolina's beating New Orleans? Didn't think so. CAR

Oakland at Chicago, 1:00 pm: As if this were a contest...OAK

Seattle at Green Bay, 1:00 pm: I hate to admit it, but Mike Holmgren's done a good job in Seattle, getting that team ready to play. The opposite has happened in Green Bay, where we see what happens when your offense is coming apart. SEA

Tennessee at New England, 1:00: pm You've got an injured quarterback who denies he's injured, a beat-up defense, and no legitimate running threat. Sounds like last year's Saints, but worse. TEN

San Diego at Jacksonville, 4:05 pm: I like Byron Leftwich, I really do. But his performance last year in my fantasy league convinced me that he ain't ready. Yet. SD

Detroit at San Francisco, 4:15 pm: I know this could, and should, be an upset by the Lions. Or would that be an upset? Both teams, it would seem, are fairly equally capable. Or rather, incapable. SFO

Washington at Philadelphia, 4:15 pm: A lot of folks are pulling for McNabb to answer Rush Limbaugh with a 7,000-yard performance today. He's a good player, but that defense is too suspect, and Patrick Ramsey has earned his team's respect. Perhaps more importantly, he's earned Berney's respect. WAS

Cleveland at Pittsburgh, 8:30 pm: Cleveland is by far the worst team in the NFL. The worst players on Jacksonville, San Diego, and New Orleans could beat them. PIT

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay, 9:00 pm This is a tough game to call. But what can I say? I like the Bucs. It's a hunch. TB

Another year, more blown chances

I'll admit it - with the Giants not in the playoff after a stunning 7-6 loss to the Marlins (on a VERY bad call at home plate, I should point out), I have no reason to watch the remainder of the baseball season (not that I really could anyway, since I had no cable and thus couldn't watch anything but half of the Cardinals games and one or two other MLB games).

Damn Marlins. Damned umpires.

Rush Limbaugh is in deep shit
Something tells me that Al Franken slept better last night than he has in ages.

Now, I hate to be the guy who just regurgitates what everyone else says, but because I usually can't come up with anything original to say, I'm not left with a lot of options. Now that we have that out of the way, I'm not going to say, "I told you so," because really, I couldn't see this coming.

Well, let me couch a little bit: I knew that Rush Limbaugh was going to be bad for ESPN. I mean, the guy is about as inflammatory as jet fuel in a Zippo factory, ok? There was no doubt in most people's minds, and probably a lot of minds in Bristol, that Rush was going to--what's the phrase here?--be interesting. An experiment, if you will, on releasing talk radio hosts back into the wild. As we all know now, it didn't work out so good. And as I so haughtily predicted to myself, it was Rush's big fat mouth that got him in trouble. No shocker.

What really came out of left field was the accusation by Rush's former maid that he had a prescription pill fix, and had attempted to detoxify himself TWICE. Now, honestly, raise your hands if you saw that coming.

*cricket* *cricket*

That's what I thought. Now, if Rush had been caught cheating on his wife, then yeah, I could have predicted that in 1997, maybe 96. If he'd had a gambling addiction, or been accused of murder, or even petty burglary, then fine, I could have legitimately foretold that that would be an issue. I mean, the guy's this incredible moralizer (not that I believe he means any of it), and spouts on and on about quality of character, the irony of his being some sort of deviant would be delicious, but predictable.

But OxyContin? Really, Rush, that's just not you.

Now for my final thought: It seems very often that those who crusade the loudest for the retention, or in some cases recapture, of moral character in America tend to have the greatest secrets to hide: William Bennett, President Bush *sniff*, Phyllis Schlafly...so what does that teach us? Are we to believe them when they say that God is to be feared, that women are to be kept under foot, and that everyone makes mistakes?

Or is it better just to have looser morals to start with, and if you ever get famous, your fall will be more predictable?

I'm going with the second, merely because it seems like more fun.

I've decided to put titles on my posts, and bold them

Because Blogger doesn't do it for me.

Anyway, here's another new smiley for your reading displeasure:

Hoo-doggy. That's good stuff.

"Study: 3G phones can make brain hurt"

Yes, that's an actual headline from CNN.com, apparently the foremost website for unbiased news and really stupid taglines. I saw that and took a minute to think about all of the Simpsons quotes that I could, and the best I could come up with is this classic:

Marge: You lost five percent of your brain!''
Homer: Me lose brain? Uh-oh!' [pause for laughter] Why I laugh?

Of course, a close second is this one:
Homer: Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Anyway, on to the point of this post. I can recall a time several years ago when it was commonly believed that using a cellular phone would cause brain tumors. There was a point in my freshman year of high school (well, actually my last year of junior high school, since sophomores were the first year of highschoolers in Kanawha County, where I grew up), when a classmate of mine told a teacher flat-out he was going to get brain cancer for using his cellular phone between classes.

"Feh," said Mr. Frostick and the cell phone makers. "Feh upon you, we say." And, as we all know, they were right. After all, the governments of the world wouldn't allow a company to foist an unsafe product upon us, would they? No, never.

...

But now there's this "3G" technology, which stands not-so-subtly for "Third Generation." When you're done realizing how incredibly unoriginal that is, note that the Dutch technological research institute TNO (I have no idea what that stands for, probably something like "Tulips kick ass") conducted a study on the new system of broadcasting cellular signals.

A quote from the story:

"If the test group was exposed to third generation base station signals there was a significant impact ... They felt tingling sensations, got headaches and felt nauseous," a spokeswoman for the Dutch Economics Ministry said.

There was no negative impact from signals for current mobile networks.

How cool is that? All of those terrormongers from a few years ago might have been without a terror to mong for a while now. But they're going to come out of the woodwork now, that's for sure. I'm sure the "I told you so"s will be loud enough to drown out the sound of a million Dutchmen puking. And that's got to be a really funny noise.

But the best part of the whole thing is that there appears to actually be a benefit to the tingling and the nausea and the what-not. Further down in the story, we see this little blurb here:

However, cognitive functions such as memory and response times were boosted by both 3G signals and the current signals, the study found. It said people became more alert when they were exposed to both.

Presumably, the kinds of signals emitted by cellular phone equipment excites brain cells, causing them to fire more rapidly and yet in a manner that the body can control; the 3G equipment is so powerful that it overrides the brain's ability to cope with the signals and thus causes our autonomic nervous systems to go holyshit, rendering us nauseus and with that just-rolled-a-J tingle. Which, I should point out, sucks.

The obvious thing to do here is to find a way to implant cellular telephone equipment from both the current and 3G formats into the human head, thus increasing our awareness and cognition. As a side effect, we'll all feel high, marijuana prices will plummet, and brain tumors will become vogue.