Friday, January 28, 2005

It's Safe to Say That I'm a Pervert
Brian, explaining why I was fondling Kirsten's arm instead of her breast:
"I thought you'd turned up the sleep number on your pillow top!"

Kirsten, in response:
slap!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

A Great Book Title I Just Made Up
Wrighting Rongs: A Laddermaker's Saga

Thursday, January 20, 2005

When Good Words Go Bad
For some idiot reason, I was just thinking back to a particular moment in my junior year of high school - I was doing homework in the library during lunch, for the simple reason that I hadn't done it at home the night before. In English class, we were learning the different usages of the words "who" and "whom." It was one of those worksheet-type things where you do this number:

"___ is at the door?" (who/whom)
"Michael said he looks for a girl ___ has brains." (who/whom)

And so on and so forth.

The problem was that after a while, the word "whom" lost all meaning for me. Midway down the page, I started circling "who" for every answer, because I kept pronouncing the other word as "wahm." Which, as we all know, isn't a word.

Just a random flashback.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Be Ready for Your Noodle to Cook
Kirsten and I just finished watching Season 3 of Alias, as well as the season 4 premier which I had taped two weeks ago while she was out of town.

For those of you who haven't seen the show, I'm going to give you a rundown of the plot up through season 3's finale. Try not to let your ears bleed.

The main character is Sidney Bristow, a woman recruited for an agency she believed was a section of the CIA called SD-6. She was recruited over the objections of her father Jack, a founding member and operative for SD-6, who was married to a woman named Irina Derevko who was a KGB spy, though he didn't know it. Sidney was recruited by Arvin Sloane, who worked in the real CIA with Jack Bristow and who later had an affair with Irina; Irina had another daughter by that relationship, before faking her own death to get away from the FBI.

With me so far?

Good.

So, Sidney becomes a double agent for the CIA to help to bring down SD-6 and the other 11 SD cells collectively known as the Alliance, while working for a CIA handler named Michael Vaughn who later shares Sidney's bed, to Jack's great dismay. She later joins the CIA along with her closest friends from SD-6 (which was, of course, an enemy of the state, but don't let that get in the way of protagonism). Then Sidney has to fight off a clone of her best friend and become a brainwashed killing machine for a terrorist organization named the Covenant, while actually surviving the brainwashing and later erasing her memory of the two years when she was held captive.

Sloane, meanwhile, has become a good guy in search of his daughter because a papal architect 500 years prior named Rimbaldi wrote several prophecies which later turned out to be correct, and one as-yet-come-to-be prophecy involving Sidney and her half-sister. Did I mention that at some point, Jack becomes romantically involved with his wife's (they're still technically married, because they never divorced - the world just thought her dead) sister named Kattia, who has become a member of the Russian secret service yet is played by an Italian actress, and who later attempts to stop Sidney from discovering an artifact created by Rimbaldi, because Kattia is looking for it as well on behalf of the covenant, which has also recruited a woman named Lauren to marry Michael Vaughn, as well as her mother - the lovely Ms. Vaughn (actually, she kept her name Reed) and her mother kill their father/husband Senator Reed who is a member of a quasi-governmental Black Committee named The Trust who we never hear from again.

And, finally, the technological officer for the CIA's Los Angeles field office has managed to impregnate his technologically-inclined girlfriend, who refuses to bear a child without first marrying the father, so they get hitched by a CIA agent who has become certified as a minister in the Internet Church of Mammals just for this occasion.

There we go.

Now, there are two possible explanations for the complexities of this show:
1) The writers had all of this planned out before even beginning their writing, so that there would be no loose ends, or
2) The writers just get together a few hours before each filming session and smoke a bowl, then:
"So, let's have Sidney fall in love with a clone of her boyfriend who just happens to be Kazakhstan intelligence."
"The boyrfiend or the clone?"
inhale"Whatever. As long as there's some tight dress."
inhale"Cool. And an explosion. Let's kill Dixon's kids."
"We already did, dude." giggle
"Oh yeah!" Five minutes of uncontrolled giggling. "I'm hungry."

Stay tuned for season 5, which, if it happens, will involve lava lamps. Somehow.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

NFL Picks, Divisional Playoffs
I recognize that these are just too late to count the Jets/Steelers game, so I'll go ahead and count that as a loss.

-Rams at Falcons: Last time they met, Michael Vick made the Rams look like, well, sheep. Expect more of the same. ATL
-Vikings at Eagles: Randy Moss's ass would get ANY team worked up. Am I right? Am I right? Yeah, that's right. I'm dead on. It should be noted that by "any team," I mean the Eagles. PHI.
-Colts at Patriots: You know, these teams are actually pretty evenly matched up, but I think the Patriots' real lack of field care this last week is going to play in their favor, considering how nasty the field is going to be. Tough luck for Indianapolis. NE.

Last week I was one and three. But honestly - who figured that TWO 8-8 teams would win in the wild card weekend? Nobody.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Chopped Liver
After the 2003 NCAA season, the BCS was left in a quandary - Oklahoma, which had lost the Big XII title game against Kansas State, was ranked number 2 behind Louisiana State University in the final season college football polls, leaving number 3 USC out of the National Championship game.

This is where I point out that USC was the nation's number 1 pick in both the AP and USA Today sportswriters' polls.

USC won its game, the Rose Bowl, and LSU convincingly beat Oklahoma, giving LSU the BSC National Championship, and giving USC the AP Championship.

So, there were technically two champions, or there was a split championship, or whatever. However you want to look at it, LSU won a national championship after the 2003 season.

But for some reason, every major media outlet is completely ignoring LSU's victory after this year's USC drubbing of Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl. Sports Illustrated's current offer to new subscribers "Recognizes USC's second consecutive championship" without so much as an asterisk noting LSU's achievement last year.

The Associated Press, who have some stake in slanting this particular story, discuss USC quarterback Matt Leinart's problems deciding whether or not to go pro, "such as winning an unprecedented third consecutive national championship." (story here)

At least ESPN's Ivan Maisel is not entirely disingenuous about the whole thing: "He is 24-1 as a starter with two national championships and a Heisman to show for his career." (story here)

Really, it's not about one team taking away from another's success; it's about one player. Leinart's Heisman is the issue - nobody on LSU's 2003 team was even so much as a finalist, and they were all ignored and the team written off after Oklahoma QB Jason White won the Heisman Trophy after the 2003 season - even though he wasn't the best QB in the land. And it's happening to LSU again.

In five years, nobody is going to remember the name of the LSU Tiger who played quarterback (Matt Mauck). Nobody's going to remember who LSU's tailback was (Justin Vincent). And nobody's going to remember a single player on the LSU defense.

I'm proud of USC for once again winning a national championship, and beating a truly overrated Oklahoma team. But let's not forget that Louisiana State University did it first.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Random Thought for Today
Why is it that Diet Sprite tastes more like regular Sprite when it's warm than when it's cold?

Anyway, on to the NFL Playoffs for Team Not the Bengals!

-STL at SEA: On 15 occasions, a team that has swept a division foe has met them again in the playoffs. On 10 of THOSE occasions, the sweeper continued its dominance - but no 8-8 team has ever won a playoff game. Is this the time? No. SEA

-NYJ at SD: I think Chris Berman's kind of dumb, but he picked the Chargers, and so will I. Besides, has Herm Edwards ever won a playoff game? SD

-DEN at IND: It's in the dome, so Denver can't use the snow to their advantage. Tough luck, guys. IND

-MIN at GB: The Moss Factor will come finally rear its ugly head. GB

Friday, January 07, 2005

Well, this is just a shame...


I am nerdier than 78% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!


Only a 78? Well, at least it's a percentile score.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Ricky Williams Had Nothing to Do With It
In yesterday's edition of Tuesday Morning Quarterback, writer Gregg Easterbook points out that during this most recent NFL season, only one team went without a 100-yard rushing performance by one of its players: Miami.

Note that Ricky Williams, Miami's star running back, who was had from the saints for a bazillion dollars and two first-round draft picks, retired prior to training camp this season to smoke ganja and learn Ayurvedic medicine. Of course, it's easy to say that this team fell apart because Williams left, that he was the motor of the car, that he was the black hole to their galaxy, yada yada yada. "He quit the team and that's why they went 3-13 this year!" people screech.

I don't think it was Williams's fault that the team blew.

That's right, I'm going against the grain of every single NFL "expert" on ESPN, Yahoo!, and God only knows what other networks and websites. I'm saying that almost every one of them - or at least, every one who blamed Williams - is wrong.

I think that the reason the Dolphins failed so miserably rests entirely on the offensive line.

Miami gave up 52 sacks this year, which ties them for third worst in the NFL - with the New York Giants, whose sacks on Kurt Warner can be blamed for the insertion of Eli Manning, which can be blamed for the Giants' plummet out of the playoff picture.

Some will say that the 'Fins gave up so many sacks because the running game wasn't respected enough to be a threat. To that I say: Look at the numbers. Miami was 28th out of 32 in terms of rushing attempts - they didn't even TRY to run the ball. And when they did, they were hideous; the Dolphins averaged 3.5 yards per carry, tying them for worst in the league. But their two halfbacks, Sammy Morris and Travis Minor, both have better career averages than that (Minor, with Miami, has averaged above 4 YPC every year he's been in the league, except this year when he pulled down 3.6).

No, Ricky Williams didn't cause the decline of the Dolphins - I say the offensive line was at fault. And that comes down to the coach. Once Coach Dave Wannstedt was fired, the Dolphins running game exploded (relatively speaking), with Sammy Morris averaging a prettydarngood 4.7 YPC over the last four games (221 yards on 47 carries).

The media is often too quick to blame the failings of a team on the shoulders of the players, or one guy. But frankly, the level of team talent around the league, even on the Cleveland Browns, is along a pretty tight bell curve. When teams put the same coaches who've failed before (this means you, Erickson) back in charge, the teams almost always do poorly. And Ricky Williams pays for it.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Best. Headline. Ever.
That's right, I'm a Daily Quickie fan; what of it?

Today's center story on FoxNews.com:
Tsunami Aid Held Up
Plane hits cows, closing Sumatra airport
-Powell Pledges Solidarity

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The man who lied to the UN, not knowing it was a lie, and the man who was once Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, pledges solidarity with our cow friends, and promises to bring down the Axis of Evil: Oxen, Buffalo, and Chickens.

Monday, January 03, 2005

New Year's Resolution Time!
Since I seem to be one of, oh, five people who has not yet made his list of New Year's Resolutions public, I figured I ought to do just that. Keep in mind, I'm only announcing the ones I think I can keep - continuing my cold fusion research, for example, probably ought not be on the list since I'm currently occupied with finishing my blinking golf ball. The damned thing keeps breaking when I hit it...

This year I resolve...

  1. to figure out why the Spinal Cord Injury Center at Barnes-Jewish hospital gives out pens - which fully a quarter of its patients can't use.

  2. to go into and come out of a closet. Apparently, all the hip kids are doing it.

  3. to do so within visual range of Fred Phelps.

  4. to go to the gym at least 3 times a week, and to use said time to gain 30 pounds of lean mass

  5. To use said mass to my advantage and try out for the St. Louis Rams - seriously, any trained monkey with two working limbs could start for that team.

  6. To find some way to justify my existence through interpretive dance.


Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy New Year!
Well, the end of 16 straight days of football is nearly in sight, with the national championship for the NCAA in football to be decided on the fourth.

I'm so sad.

Here are my week 17 picks - not much time left for me to pick up the pace and pass Chris and Lucas.

Cincinnati at Philadelphia - CIN (go Jeff Blake!)
Cleveland at Houston - HOU
Detroit at Tennessee - DET
Green Bay at Chicago - GB
Miami at Baltimore - MIA
Minnesota at Washington - MIN
New Orleans at Carolina - CAR
N.Y. Jets at St. Louis - NYJ
Pittsburgh at Buffalo - BUF
San Francisco at New England - NE
Atlanta at Seattle - ATL
Tampa Bay at Arizona - TB
Indianapolis at Denver - IND
Jacksonville at Oakland - OAK
Kansas City at San Diego - SD
Dallas at N.Y. Giants - DAL