Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants. Die Unhappy

Alright, it's gotta be said. Kirsten has pointed out time and again that I eat badly. And of course, she's not the only one: Sean used to say I was the only person he knew who ate fruit straight from a can. Countless co-workers have said that my love of Hungry Man's one-pound microwave dinners was "weird," "nauseauting," or on at least two occasions, "grounds for termination." Even when I worked at Wendy's, my creation of the Heart Attack Pita (ground beef grilled and cut into strips, sauteed onions, french fries, grated American cheese, and barbecue sauce, all on a warm thick flatbread) was viewed with equal parts disgust and suspicion.

Whatever.

But with "In Defense of Food" Michael Pollan has given Kirsten research data that PROVES that what I'm eating is kiiling me. And as a trained scientist, I have to respect data, even if it proves that my most closely-held beliefs (i.e. that Long John Silver's is perfectly fine and that Hot Pockets aren't THAT bad) are wrong.

I hate you, Michael Pollan. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. And now I want a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger Hot Pocket, served on a bed of fresh honey buns. With a Diet Coke.

Mark it Down

There are currently 20 million Pakistanis who are affected by the flooding that has turned Pakistan's Punjab province into a wet and muddy deathtrap the last two weeks. Cholera is starting to break out, as lack of sanitation turns what was previously "only" a dysentery outbreak that followed the natural disaster into a real public health emergency for the survivors. Tens of thousands are already dead, hundreds of thousands more will probably die soon enough. And the Pakistani government, through its structure of having politically-powerful military and a politically-weak civillian government, has left itself in the position of being completely unable to help.

India is Pakistan's largest and most powerful neighbor, by far. But Pakistan's military would refuse aid from India, no matter how well meaning or who delivers it - blame the nonsense in Kashmir (and the three previous wars these two countries have fought) for that.

The US can't deliver aid, because the public knows we prop up the Pakistani government which has, up until now, done jack squat. So any aid we'd send would have to go through the...well, the completely impotent Pakistani government.

Chances are good that Iran would love to send aid in order to make us look bad, but might not be able to because of the Sunni - Shia divide.

The only - ONLY - country which could help at this point is probably China. But any aid they send would have to pass through India, which is engaged in a quiet cold war with the Chinese, and so would demand the right to transport it themselves, leading to the aforementioned problems.

Truthfully, there is no help here for the 20 million Pakistanis affected by this flooding. And the end result may very well be the collapse of the Pakistani government - and another terrorist hotbed of people who hate America.

Celebrating my own Shortcomings

Every so often, my wife and I (though mostly her) like to blog about our culinary accomplishments. A roast duck here, a neat salad there, maybe something involving potatoes. We're both decent cooks, and we can put together a fun meal when we want to.

Witness this incredible dessert. I'd never thought of ricotta as a sweet cheese until I had some that was so weighed down with sugar and cocoa powder that Wilford Brimley got diabetes from it again.

(side note: jokes about old men with chronic dietary and/or glandular conditions are always funny, unless they know where you live and own a gun.)

And I have to admit that Kirsten is, in fact, a better cook than I am. No real surprise there; I think most people who know me know that I have a cast-iron stomach. And with a cast-iron stomach comes a little rust on the taste buds, ne?

But what you may not know is that my cousin Steve is a chef. Like, the educated-in-how-to-make-a-reduction kind. Or lemon foam, or vichyssoise. The kind that can pronounce "vichyssoise" without sounding like he's sneezing. Steve's the kind of chef who did at one point write "I'm a big fan of molecular gastonomy" on his goddamn MySpace page. Dude's got an AAS degree from Cordon Bleu Las Vegas, and worked at the Bellagio. So when it comes to cooking in the family, he's sort of the top guy.

(side note 2: this is the only page referencing Chef Stephen Gratop that isn't one of his Facebook friends' pages. You're welcome).

Anyway, at the risk of having Steve post on this blog "Yer Doin it Wrong", I present to you a quick-and-easy-and-delicious appetizer that just became my dinner.

1) Take a rectangular slice of lunchmeat, preferably ham. Slice in half lengthwise.
2) Spread approximately 1 tsp of herbed goat cheese (or spreadable cheese like Laughing Cow) on half of the ham strip.
3) Slice a zucchini in half lengthwise. Then, cut one of those halves into long, flat strips, suitable for rolling. Grill these strips on a griddle or George Foreman. Save the other for some other meal.
4) Lay the grilled strips on top of the ham and cheese. For a large squash, they'll be about the same length.
5) Slice a bell pepper (we used orange, for color) into wedges. Grill these.
6) Using the bell pepper like an axle, roll the ham, cheese, and zucchini.
7) Eat.
8) Marvel at my splendor.

Next time: How to combine meat, cheese, and bread into a delicious tower of food I'm calling a "Sand-wich."