Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Just Before Halloween Ends


In case you haven't seen it, one of the funniest fake ads ever.

Video Link
(link to a site containing crude humor, nudity, poor taste, and pictures of ugly dogs - stick to just the video if you're easily offended).

Silence! The Alcoholic Speaks!


Brian's new favorite Martini recipe:
Olive? No.
Tomolive? No.
Bleu Cheese? No.

Pickle slice? Yes.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

NFL Picks, week 8


I'm currently in my office, munching on a Croissant Pocket, courtesy of some poor schmuck who didn't put his or her name a box of the things. Tough luck, I suppose. That being said, I do have a sneaking suspicion that this treat is actually mine to begin with; I can't help but think I bought a box a few months ago and never dove in.

Well, whatever.

Anyway, they say on the box "CAUTION: Filling will be hot" but until I gave my tongue third-degree burns on the thing, I didn't believe them. I mean, they never have been before. It's not as if they've ever cooked evenly. I guess I just got unlucky with this ancient, no-owner pastry.

On to the picks!
Jaguars at Eagles: Byron Leftwich, David Garrard, David Copperfield - it doesn't matter who plays quarterback for the Jags this week. The Eagles are just a better team, and that's that. PHI
Falcons at Bengals: The Falcons have the number-one rushing attack in the NFL, coming into this game averaging 222 rushing yards per game (70 more yards per game than the next-best team). The Bengals, on the other hand, have the 25th-worst run defense in the league, allowing 127 yards per game. Weather's not a factor when your quarterback doesn't pass the ball. ATL
Cardinals at Packers: Two weeks ago, when the Cardinals lost to the Bears, I turned to Kirsten and said, "The Cardinals won't threaten another team this season." I stand by it. GB
Texans at Titans: Believe it or not, the former Houston team and the current Houston team play each other twice a year. And nobody in either city cares, because both teams are just that bad. TEN
Seahawks at Chiefs: The Chiefs are down to their third quarterback, probably. It's Alabama rookie Brodie Croyle, who despite only having 23 yards passing, has managed to get himself intercepted twice. Seneca Wallace is less bad than that (and he might actually be a last-minute player on my fantasy team). SEA
Ravens at Saints: The Superdome is the ultimate homefield advantage - it's the House that Won't Die. NO
Buccaneers at Giants: A bad call by a ref, a miracle kick by a rookie: those are the two things that are keeping this team from being 0-6. They could be the worst 2-4 team in the NFL today. NYG
49ers at Bears: Have you ever seen sausage being made? This is sorta like that, but gruesomer. CHI
Jets at Browns: True-story joke of the week: the Browns are favored. NYJ
Colts at Broncos: I think that weather is a factor here. The dome environment just makes teams a little softer, I guess. DEN
Steelers at Raiders: One win does not a season make - the Raiders still have the worst offense in the NFL. Playing the Cardinals not a challenge, and Raiders hopefuls have to know that. PIT
Rams at Chargers: The Rams have had a week off, sure, but they've still got to deal with jet lag and the fact that Phillip Rivers remains one of the better quarterbacks in football. SDG
Cowboys at Panthers: Tony Romo is the starting quarterback for the Cowboys, despite having his first pass of the season picked off. Anyone who gets picked off three times in one half (which Romo was) probably won't start for long. I guess that's good news for Drew Bledsoe fans - not that they'll get much more of it this season. CAR
Patriots at Vikings: The Vikings like to tout their rushing offense, admitting that they lean on it to keep the team going. The Patriots don't tout anything - they just keep winning, like ninjas. Football ninjas. NE

I went 5-8 last week - WTF?
25th

Friday, October 27, 2006

How Did This Make it Through Marketing?


Tesco is a supermarket chain in England that none of us have ever heard of, because they normally don't do things like attempt to conquer the world, one hillbilly community at a time (I'm looking at you, Wal-Mart). They're quiet, they're responsible, they're affordable. All in all, nice English folks.

Until, say, Tuesday.

Tesco pulls pole-dancing kit from toy section.

That's right - a quiet, well-behaved, generally English supermarket chain actually sold a device that was a self-installing home pole dancing kit. It even came with a DVD of suggestive dance moves. So maybe, just maybe, one could say it really didn't belong in the toy section. While if I were 14 and a friend of mine showed it to me I admit I'd be pretty stoked (I'd be pretty stoked if someone showed it to me now), I think it's fair to say that parents being upset by this thing mixed in with Tickle-me Elmos have a right to be a little upset.

Putting it next to Tickle-me Elmo would certainly make him seem a little more perverse, I think. Maybe by association, or maybe because he vibrates.

Anyway, if anyone's interested, it's still in the fitness section, and it's available online for just fifty pounds. Apparently "releasing the sex kitten inside" burns a few calories. But I guess Carmen Electra already knew that.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

SO FUCKING TAGUCHI!!!


(no post)

Friday, October 20, 2006

NFL Picks, Week 7


I can't say a lot this week, as I'm travelling and will be in Toledo, Ohio, for the games this week (except Monday night, I'll be back for that). As such, time is precious...so....precioussssss....

Thirteen games again this week.

Chargers at Chiefs: SDG
Packers at Dolphins: Quick question: How many times has Joey Harrington actually beaten the Packers? Maybe once? MIA
Lions at Jets: NYJ
Steelers at Falcons: ATL (upset!)
Eagles at Buccaneers: PHI
Patriots at Bills: NE
Jaguars at Texans: JAX
Panthers at Bengals: I changed this pick when I heard that Levi Jones is out, and a rookie is starting lined up against Julius Peppers. All is not well in Bengalville. CAR
Broncos at Browns: DEN
Cardinals at Raiders: ARI
Vikings at Seahawks: SEA
Redskins at Colts: IND
Giants at Cowboys: DAL

Saturday, October 14, 2006

NFL Picks, Week 6


Not a lot of lead-in this week, other than this gem:
"The men of the square room from the Miller Lite commercials. You've got Kenny Chesney, Jerome Bettis, and Burt Reynolds, all talking while an old man writes in a blank book. It's like Gummy Bears for men."

Also, only thirteen games this week and next. Weird.

Bengals at Buccaneers: Bengals are favored, although now that third-stringer Anthony Wright has had an appendectomy, he and Chris Simms can hang out together and bitch about hospital food. CIN
Giants at Falcons: Similar teams in terms of quality and win-loss potential, but I think the dome makes a difference. ATL
Titans at Redskins: I was going to say that Vince Young looks polished and ready to go, then I remembered that rookie QBs always look good their first week because nobody's seen them, but they get beat up later because teams know what to look for. Sort of like Ryan Fitzpatrick. WAS
Texans at Cowboys: Terrell Owens and his position coach can have as many fights as they like this week. Disharmony by the Cowboys won't help the Texans. DAL
Panthers at Ravens: This is, I guess, a legitimate upset. The Ravens just didn't look all that good last week. And even if the Broncos have a good defense, they have a bad offense that still managed to hang 13 points on a pretty good Ravens defense. I know none of that made sense, and I don't care. CAR
Bills at Lions: JP Losman got the crap knocked out of him last week. Lucky for him, the Lions have crappiness to spare. BUF
Seahawks at Rams: After watching what I've seen out of the Seahawks this season, I think it'll be a struggle for them to reach the playoffs, let alone avenge their Super Bowl loss. Plus, Shawn Alexander is sorely missed. STL in my Upset Special.
Eagles at Saints: Don't underestimate the New Orleans crowd. FEMA jokes not welcome here. NO
Dolphins at Jets: It's an AFC East showdown, or at least as much of one as that division can muster. It's Joey Harrington against Chad Pennington. OooOOOooOOOooOOOoo. NYJ
Chiefs at Steelers: I don't need to pull up stats to show how bad Ben Roethlisberger has looked this season, so instead I'll pull up stats about the Pittsburgh rushing offense. The Steelers are 22nd in the league in rushing yards per game, in the middle of the league in rushing average, and near the bottom in rushing touchdowns. Roethlisberger may not be that great, but ain't nobody helping him out. KC
Chargers at 49ers: Seriously, KC should wear their old-school powder blue jerseys all the time. Their cheerleaders, however, should never again try to represent the old school. SDG
Raiders at Broncos: It's like Kasparov playing me in chess. No contest, probably ugly, and will inspire drinking. DEN
Bears at Cardinals: Last week I said that I thought Matt Leinart would be eating dirt for a while against the KC defense. I think I pre-dated my prediction a little bit. This has all the makings of a rout, and it'll be nice to see it on Monday Night Football. CHI

Friday, October 13, 2006

Ok, What Now?


Have you ever had one of those days where you've gotten all of your work done, and you don't know where to go from there? Maybe you can't start your next project because of time constraints (it would take too long), or in my case, because you can only call people every two days instead of every day.

That's where I am right now. Or rather, where I was yesterday, and I think the attitude has pervaded through to today ("pervaded" is a word, I promise). Anyway, yesterday afternoon I didn't have a lot to do after around 3:30, because I had achieved my goals for the day (and for today as well, truth be told) and couldn't keep going because all of the work I was going to do did, in fact, have to wait until today. So for the last hour and a half of the day or thereabouts, I was stuck in this weird limbo place where I couldn't do work that I felt I'd get into, but I couldn't leave either.

I mean, I did leave to go to Smoothie King, but I came back. So it's not really leaving, so much as it was "running errands." I've noticed that that phrase can get you out of work pretty much anytime you want. Like this:
"Hey boss, I have to run some errands, pick up some dry cleaning, but I'll be back around three."
"Sounds good."

Or perhaps:
"Hey, I have to run some errands, go to Topeka, I should be back Tuesday."
"See you then. Drive safely."

And I think in some situations you could try this:
"Hey, I need to run some errands, go to the moon, simple stuff. I'll be back early August."
"Fly safe, Buzz."

Maybe it's not so much the "running errands" part as it is that you introduce the subject with a "Hey," which implies familiarity, unimportance, and sponteneity all at once. "Hey, we need to bomb the shit out of Iraq" would probably work well too.

At any rate, now that errands are run and the day has rolled from one to another, I'm stuck at work in pretty much the same attitude as I was in yesterday. I have work to do now, but my mind just isn't there.

At least the new Student Life is out.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

NFL Picks, Week 5


No beating around the bush this week, although I will present a random fact: only two home teams out of 14 aren't favored: Green Bay and Arizona.

Rams at Packers: I'll start off with this one, because it's my "upset" special. But what can I say? I want the Rams to lose, especially after giving up 34 points to Detroit. GB
Buccaneers at Saints: I don't think the Saints necessarily need to "regroup," which is the standard term used for a team looking to win after losing. I think they just need to play Tampa Bay, which is actually much easier than "regouping." NO
Redskins at Giants: After looking at the stats, this is what I think: The Giants are going to look as outcoached this week as tight end Jeremy Shockey said they were two weeks ago. Another upset, though this one's not quite as special. WAS
Bills at Bears: Seriously, da Bears look pretty freakin' good. CHI
Dolphins at Patriots: Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor: "Whatever anyone thinks is the worst team in the league, that's us." NE
Browns at Panthers: And here the Browns nation had been celebrating after beating the Raiders. At least they'll be able to use the excuse of "hostile environment" to cover up the fact that bad player decisions and poor offensive coaching are sinking this team. CAR
Titans at Colts: It's going to be a long year for Vince Young if this is how he cuts his gums. IND
Lions at Vikings: It's a bad defense (Lions) trying to stop a bad offense (Vikings). Usually, bad offense wins. Or loses. Or whatever. Anyway, Poor Jon Kitna. MIN
Chiefs at Cardinals: So, let me get this straight: Once again, Kurt Warner (who is a robotic quarterback along the lines of Troy Aikman, and not nearly as mobile as, say, Jon Kitna) gets put behind a very bad offensive line (like he did in New York) and is asked to, you know, be mobile (like that Kitna fellow). He isn't mobile, he gets benched, and a new kid gets brought in. Story of his life, right? Well, the coaches have the right to change QBs, but Matt Leinart is going to be totally destroyed this season behind the second-worst offensive line in football; I'll call him lucky if he gets hurt during this game and gets to finish the season on Injured Reserve. For his sake, it's the best he can hope for. KC
Raiders at 49ers: Once again, the Raiders are one half of a game that nobody should ever have to watch. Seriously, it's like a special kind of Hell for Bay-area football fans. SFO
Jets at Jaguars: Tough call. Both teams are having problems, but the Jags might still be reeling from a tough loss to the Redskins. On the flipside, the Jets might still be reeling from a realization that they're mediocre. JAX
Cowboys at Eagles: What can I say that hasn't been said? Nothing, no thanks to those nattering nabobs on sports radio, television, internet, and semaphore. PHI
Steelers at Chargers: Somehow, the big Sunday-night game has gone under the radar. Maybe it's because of the game in Philly, or maybe it's because there's no question about who's gonna do what to whom in the prison shower. A battle of 2004 first-round quarterbacks, and the high pick wins, because Roethlisberger still looks a bit woozy. SDG
Ravens at Broncos: Three things going against the Ravens in this game. First: the fact that Baltimore is a sea-level town, and now they're playing in cold, dry, thin air. Second: the Broncos defense has only allowed one TD all season. Third: despite being 4-0 for the first time in their history, the Ravens still have a relatively inept offense. DEN

Friday, October 06, 2006

Best Futurama Clip Ever


At least, that's my opinion today.

You Leave it, I Eat It.


Boston cream filled doughnut, say hello to my stomach.

Stomach, say hello to the second-best type of doughnut ever.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Best Week Ever


In week 4's NFL Picks, Chris went 12-2, best week of the year so far. That's the kind of week I dream about. Just like all other compulsive gamblers.

By the way, Congress has passed legislation that would outlaw online gambling, alternatively claiming that gambling ruins families and that gambling is sinful. Both or neither might be true, I don't much care. What really gets my goat is that Congress made no moves to outlaw things like lotteries, casinos, horse gambling, dog tracks, or sportsbooking that's legal in New Jersey and Nevada.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Shameless Commerce Division


Some of you may remember my "I suck" shirt that I wear every so often (weekly?) and have given out in the past.

I now have a black-and-white version that's available on the internets. It's a bit of a markup from previous versions (21 dollars instead of 8.50), but it does have the advantage of being a black shirt, which is awesome.

Anyway, if you're looking for a good laugh at my expense, check it out.

Linky

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Delightfully Off-Key


Kirsten and I went out with some friends tonight to Talayna's, a karaoke bar on Hampton Avenue just off of the interstate here in St. Louis. I'm not altogether sure whether it's related to the unbearably delicious Talayna's Pizza in the Central West End, but they're probably at least owned by relatives. After all, Talayna can't be that common a name.

Anyway, one of Kirsten's friends is a lot like her. She even has the habit of saying really weird things in public places, like "It smells like someone did a poo!" and "Kirsten, where is your sweater, you skanky whore?" She's also a friendly drunk, and accidentally told her boyfriend who lives 600 miles away that she loves him, regardless of whether or not he loves her. He's a plumber, and a nice guy, but he's probably going to spend about an hour staring at his phone in the morning with a "What the hell?" look on his face.

A note: I'm starting this week with a moral invective. You don't have to read it if you don't want to, my feelings won't be hurt. And I promise that 13 of this week's 14 picks have much shorter lead-ins.

49ers at Chiefs: I sit here from the safety of my keyboard every week and blame stuff on past coaches and administrators on teams, and that's OK; I don't have any real connection to either new or old regimes, and so I can honestly say without bias that something is one person or one group of people's fault. This week, Chiefs defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham accused old Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil of toying too much with the Chiefs' defense, and thus Vermeil was the reason the Chiefs defense played poorly while Vermeil was coach. Firstly, the Chiefs are statistically worse defensively this year than last. Secondly, Gunther was a holdover from Vermeil's regime to the new coaching staff under Herman Edwards. Edwards presumably hasn't meddled, so if things are getting worse, it's Cunningham's fault. Thirdly, throwing your old boss under the bus like that is not likely to get you a lot of future job offers from guys looking to protect their own images; it's a bad career move. And, finally, saying "The poor performance of the unit that I am in charge of is/was not my fault" is weak and makes you look like you aren't really in charge. I desperately want the Chiefs defense to just stop playing football just so someone can put Gunther Cunningham's ass in a sling for being a whiny incompetent bitch. SF
Cardinals at Falcons: So, Dennis Green defended Kurt Warner this week and left him in as the starter. I think he knew, just as the rest of America does, that it doesn't matter who'se under center when the team as a whole is still one year away from competing. ATL
Cowboys at Titans: No suicide jokes. I promise. Just a suggestion that Kerry Collins seek help after this game is over. You know, just to talk things over with someone who gets paid by the hour, won't judge, and isn't a hooker. DAL
Colts at Jets: I had a feeling that the Colts would miss Edgerrin James this season; so did everyone else, so it's not exactly a novel thought. But they're in the bottom third of the league in rush yards per game, which is not a good place to be. They'll win anyway. IND
Dolphins at Texans: You remember when you were a kid, and you'd leave your room a mess, and your parents wouldn't let you do anything until you cleaned it up? The NFL doesn't work that way. And that's why Dom Capers and Charlie Casserly may still get jobs in the league next season. MIA
Vikings at Bills: Neither team is really scream-out-loud good, but the Bills at least look decenter than the Vikings. BUF
Saints at Panthers: Everyone loved how the game in the Superdome came out last week. I mean, except for the Falcons. But reality has to set in sometime. CAR
Chargers at Ravens: Believe it or not, the Chargers are favored. I don't believe it. And Hloti Ngata, who has one of the most-difficult 10-letter names to say, is making a real difference as a rookie for the Ravens. BAL
Lions at Rams: I picked on Kitna last week, but after taking some time to really look at the Lions roster, I think he may actually be the best player on the team. STL
Browns at Raiders: Oh, God, who cares? Games like this are the reason solitary confinement exists, as that's the only place you can go to get away from them. OAK, I guess.
Jaguars at Redskins: Mark Brunell completed his first 22 passes last week, making it look as if the Redskins finally have their new playbook down pat. I don't buy that, and we'll see if Leftwich and company can step up this week. Sez here they will. JAX
Patriots at Bengals: The Bengals are actually one-touchdown favorites this week, and in a league where the average margin of victory is less than 10, that's a big spread. Is it possible that depending on Reche Caldwell and Troy Brown to lead the receiving corps in New England was a bad idea? CIN
Seahawks at Bears: Matt Hasselbeck looked pretty good last week. He's gonna look pretty silly this week. CHI
Packers at Eagles: Let me make one thing clear: One game does not a season make. It's a shame to see Brett Favre go down in flames, and he might still do well this year. That being said, the Eagles right now are a better team. PHI