And People Say Baseball Isn't Exciting
For those of you who a) haven't heard or b) live under rocks of varying sizes, the Red Sox of Boston have done everything they could to expunge the Curse of the Bambino...by trading another really, really good player. Nomar Garciaparra is going to another unlucky team in the Chicago Cubs, who were cursed by a goat many moons ago. Not having a goat to hex them again, the Cubs instead sent marginal player Francis Beltran to the Twins, for an incredibly good shortstop (who's been a bit off since injury, but the upside...)

Now, Babe Ruth was traded for cash, because the Red Sox were losing money. Here, they got...well, they got Doug Mentkiewicz and Orlando Cabrera. But did they need another first baseman? Did David Ortiz's bat-throwing incident really bother team officials so much that they decided that he wasn't worth keeping around? And, if so, then why is he still on the team?

Getting Orlando Cabrera is a good call, though, and I don't blame them for replacing a shortstop with...a shortstop. I thought the purpose of trades was to improve your roster by filling out positions where you were weak. Shouldn't the Red Sox have looked for pitching? I mean, Derek Lowe is a major-league pitcher and all, but he's a 5th starter at best. And there are the Red Sox, asking him to be the third.

Come on guys, do what the Reds did. Trade everyone for money and start over. Competitiveness is overrated.

In another story, Yankees 1B Jason Giambi has a benign tumor, which has been causing weakness and general malaise since his return from Japan. I didn't know you could catch cancer in Japan, but apparently, they decided over there that Montezuma's Revenge was a bit of a pansy ailment, and upped the ante. Mexico, it's your turn to put the hurt on American tourists. Don't let me down.

*boggle*
Ashley Judd is married to DARIO FRANCHITTI?

I Have the Greatest Girlfriend in the World
On The Bourne Supremacy: "I'm only gonna go see it because it's got that hot German chick in it...did I just say that out loud?"

I Hate Asking For Help
On August 7th, the Cardinals are giving away a Fredbird Build-a-Bear creation at the gates as a stadium giveaway. I think this'd be pretty cool, and since the girlfriend likes Build-a-Bear, this'd be a nice little thing to give her.

Problem is, it's only going to the first 12,000 fans under the age of 12 who show up at the Busch Stadium gates.

And I don't have a 12-year-old.

Do any of my readers have one I can borrow? I'm above kidnapping, but not above trade. I have a few extra golf clubs, and a nice socket wrench. Can someone help me out?

More Randomness
Did you know that Jennifer Jason Leigh is the daughter of Vic Morrow, a television and movie actor who was cut into many little pieces in an accident on set this day in 1982?

I did.

Am I the Only Person Thinking This?
Wellsir, looks like old Sandy Berger's screwed up a little bit.

Yessiree, Berger visited them there National Security Archives and took a few classified papers out, on a couple'a differ'nt visits, even goin' so far as to stuff a few confidential memorandums inta his socks.

It don't take a genius to figger out that he's plum ruint his career in national security. Not that it matters much, since he was Condoleeza Rice right before Condoleeza herself was. Mmm hmm. And I don't reckon he'll be invited to the Archives Christmas Party this year, either. That's a shame, too, what 'cuz it's usually a nice shindig there. I hear they don't scrimp on the whisky, 't least. Only thing worse'n a former gov'ment employee stealin' classified lit'rature is watered-down whisky.

But ain't nobody brought this one up, neither, and I think it's the most obvious explanation, short of Berger eatin' a few funky fungi:
He's obviously been turned. He's a spy. He's Benjamin...what's his name? Benedict? Benedict Arnold, he is.

Now, normally I'd blame this one on the Reds, but since the Russkies' empire o' communistic glory fell and all, it's hardly fair to lay this coal on an organization what don't exist, that bein' the KGB.

So that leaves, really, only one country that could possibly be innerested in the paperwork that Sandy Berger done took out a' them archives. It's simple when you boil it down:
What's the country that most o' them terrorists enter this great land from?
What's the country with the most to lose by acknowledging that terrorists get into the US of A from within it's own soveriegn borders?
What country ain't really sovereign at all, but pretends it is just to be contrary?

That's right.

Canada.

Sandy Berger is a spy for them pseudo-commie, Rush-lovin', Mike-Meyers-breedin', not-understandin'-irony-but-still-claimin'-that-rain-on-your-weddin'-day-is, tree-huggin' frostbiteniks up north.

I can't believe nobody done thought of that earlier. Now. Where's my chaw?

Disgusting Cuteness
Do with these photos what thou wilt.


and...



I feel so dirty.

Today's randomness
Trey Parker would not be good in porn.

Nuts
Well, my comment server is down. Whooptiefuck.

Men are From Mars, Women are From College Gameday
Men, as Kim Carnes tells us, love "Bette Davis eyes." Sort of like this:

To be completely honest, I don't know why we should. She just doesn't have "it." She does, however, have a case of African Sleeping Sickness, from the looks of things.

Now, since men and women generally want different things, does that mean that women are likely to enjoy gazing into Lee Corso eyes?


Chicks love the beetle. Oh, yeah.

Random Post
I still hate the Macarena.

You know, I don't think I care anymore
There's something about "rocker" Courtney Love that bothers me. I'm not sure quite what it is; maybe it's the fact that she's only famous because her famous husband splattered his brains across his dining room wall. Maybe it's the fact that rather than help her famous husband out of his drug-addled suicidal fantasies, she toured the week after he tried to kill himself in Milan. And then she was touring again when he actually did kill himself, and she didn't notice for three days. I know being a B-list rock star is hard work, but would it kill you to call home every three days or so?

Whoops - poor choice of words. Don't I feel like a pellet-ridden skull...

Aw, there I go again.

Maybe it's the fact that her band and music aren't really either.

Or maybe it's the fact that I'm completely tired of her and her nonsensical lifestyle.

A lot of people complain on a regular basis, and sometimes rightly so, that celebrities get favorable treatment in the court system, that they can do whatever they want and get little more than a slap on the wrist, and that repeat offenses aren't held against them. Now, I mentioned that such griping is really only correct sometimes. But in Courtney Love's case, it's right on the nose.

I mean, seriously. She's missed court dates on both coasts. She was in New York on the date she was supposed to be in LA, she was in LA the date she was supposed to be in New York. Could she not just pick a side and stay there? At least she'd make it to half of her scheduled appearances.

She's been in rehab almost a dozen times since Kurt Cobain redecorated his house. And she still has custody of her child? I know that Social Services sometimes has a bit of a backlog, but I would think that heroin addiction is a good reason to speed things up a bit. I don't see why doing the paperwork in five years rather than ten is unreasonable.

Her "music" is...well...Yoko Ono has a disciple. A loud, screechy disciple. Sort of like a banshee with bad lipstick. Only more dead-looking.

And now Courtney Love, bless her idiotic heart, is in "an institution" and has a legal guardian of her own. That's nice. You know, it's good to see that she's getting the help she needs. Only took TEN FREAKING YEARS.

Now, if only the Queer Eye guys could track her down, she'll be OK.

Now, who wants to see some dingers?
Watching Barry Bonds in the first round of tonight's All-Star Game Home Run Derby (presented by Centry 21), I think I said "Holy shit!" and "Holy Hell!" more times in 10 minutes than I had the previous 24 years of my existence. I mean, honestly - that man can strike a ball like Tiger Woods makes dimpled neoprene his bitch four days a week.

I'll never say it that many times again, I said.

And then I saw Lance Berkman. Even the state of New Jersey is still shuddering from my expletive-laced viewing, and they swear a lot.

I can't wait for Sosa...

EDIT: To say nothing of eventual champion Miguel Tejada. Tejada knocked the longest of the night, 497 to left-center. Boy, those guys can hit. Makes me wish I were 6'2" and 225 pounds of baseball player, I tell you what.

Hmmm...this could be a ratings problem
"I think Headline News is a great station to watch when you're trying to take a nap."

I read a post on a Bengals dork board today that said that "Soccer, the 60s, liberals, lawyers, and CNN are the reasons this country has gone to hell." I should probably state that "this country" is referring to the United States of America. They have all of those things in lots of other countries, I'm told.

I think perhaps the bigger problem is that people aren't really informed about current events - they take naps during Headline News. This failure to keep informed, on a deeper level, about the world's affairs contributes to our failure to produce meaningful foreign policy and music albums with more than two good songs on them.

So, the solution, I think, is obvious. Headline News, and other channels of its ilk (like the Golf Channel's live coverage) should switch to a more user-friendly format. People want loud, brassy music? Give it to 'em. People want flashy logos? Steal Fox News's and Paintbrush it. People want bikinis? Hire Catherine Bell as your new anchorwoman. People want laughs? Hire Peter Jennings and put him in Catherine Bell's bikini.

That'll get their attention. And, of course, if it doesn't, just hire Shakira and Dennis Kucinich. Maybe put Dennis in a one-piece...he's kind of a tiny guy.

On Baseball or How I Learned to Love the Balk
A few notes from today's Reds at Cardinals game here in St. Louis:
-Edgar Renteria is underrespected, even here in St. Louis. Yeah, the fans cheer for him, but even Chris Carpenter got louder applause ...but Renteria is a clutch hitter, that's for sure.
-Ryan Freel is a very good leadoff hitter - 3 for 4 today. He made it look easy.
-Speaking of Chris Carpenter, he should be a pitcher in the American League. He holds the bat like a little girl, swings like an old woman, and dogs it on the basebath. He laid a grounder to second in the bottom of the second inning and didn't even TRY to beat out the throw to first.
-Also on Chris Carpenter, he did have a decent bunt in the four-run fifth inning to advance a runner. But don't flash bunt before the pitcher even starts his windup.
-The Reds were fools to let Reggie Sanders go. He's still got a good swing; he punched a ball 350 feet foul down the left-field line.
-Tony Womack has lost a step since he was with the Diamondbacks, but it doesn't affect his batting. His fielding looks labored, though.
-Dave Miley may be a great manager, but he needs to sit Barry Larkin down and tell him to stop swinging for the fences. Larkin is old, and can still be a decent singles hitter, but a power guy he ain't.
-Larkin's lost a step, too, but his fielding looks better than Womack's. It's his bat that suffers.
-Corey Lidle is a fragile, fragile man. He gives up a hit and a sac bunt in the fifth and just falls apart. But he did manage to calm down and finish the inning when Miley came out and talked to him. Miley probably said, "You're going to finish this inning," which Lidle did with two straight Ks.
-Javier Valentin should not be a major-league ballplayer. He's a worse batter than Chris Carpenter. He also didn't manage to keep Lidle under control in that fifth-inning collapse, where Miley did. Send this guy back to the minors.
-Saint Louis was founded by French traders in 1763 in a location with high temperatures, high humidity and no wind. For this reason, we should hate the French.
-The unnaturally high humidity forces the women of Saint Louis to wear short skirts and tank tops. For this reason, we should love the French.
-There is no better place to watch a game in Busch Stadium than the 200-level Standing-Room Only section. You can watch the game from anywhere on the level, and there's a very pleasant breeze that comes in from the field. And, oh yeah - the concession stands are dead empty - no lines, even for beer.
-Miller Lite really IS better than Bud Light, but I'll stick to Bud because I believe that supporting American-owned business is a good thing to do - and Miller's owned by a South African company, which is owned by an English Company. Naughty, naughty, naughty.
-I'm a dirty old man.
-There's nothing nicer than watching a guy take his daughter to the ballpark.
-There's nothing creepier than discovering that the young woman ISN'T his daughter, and that people in Southern Illinois take age-of-consent laws to be more "recommendations" than anything.
-The Reds will not win more than 80 games this season.

Random Post
Moosehead lager tastes like carbonated apple juice, without all that yummy apple flavor. Avoid it at all costs, even if it's on sale.

Thank you, that is all.