Hmmm...this could be a ratings problem
"I think Headline News is a great station to watch when you're trying to take a nap."

I read a post on a Bengals dork board today that said that "Soccer, the 60s, liberals, lawyers, and CNN are the reasons this country has gone to hell." I should probably state that "this country" is referring to the United States of America. They have all of those things in lots of other countries, I'm told.

I think perhaps the bigger problem is that people aren't really informed about current events - they take naps during Headline News. This failure to keep informed, on a deeper level, about the world's affairs contributes to our failure to produce meaningful foreign policy and music albums with more than two good songs on them.

So, the solution, I think, is obvious. Headline News, and other channels of its ilk (like the Golf Channel's live coverage) should switch to a more user-friendly format. People want loud, brassy music? Give it to 'em. People want flashy logos? Steal Fox News's and Paintbrush it. People want bikinis? Hire Catherine Bell as your new anchorwoman. People want laughs? Hire Peter Jennings and put him in Catherine Bell's bikini.

That'll get their attention. And, of course, if it doesn't, just hire Shakira and Dennis Kucinich. Maybe put Dennis in a one-piece...he's kind of a tiny guy.