NFL Picks, Week 17, Part 2

Truncated.
Jaguars at Chiefs: JAX
Rams at Vikings: STL
Panthers at Saints: NOR
Raiders at Jets: NYJ
Steelers at Bengals: CIN
Lions at Cowboys: DAL
Seahawks at Buccaneers: SEA
Patriots at Titans: Tough call. NEW
Browns at Texans: HOU
Falcons at Eagles: PHI
Cardinals at Chargers: SDG
Bills at Ravens: BAL
49ers at Broncos: DEN
Dolphins at Colts: IND
Packers at Bears: CHI

NFL Picks, Week 17, Part 1

As the NFL season rolls to a close, there is only one game tonight. I'll post the picks for the other 15 tomorrow.

Giants at Redskins: Tom Coughlin is fighting for his job, some say, but Eli Manning isn't helping things any. The Giants just stripped one guy of offensive playcalling duties, and handed them to Kevin Gilbride, who was (and remains) Eli Manning's qb coach. Take note, please, that Manning has gotten worse this season, not better. I wonder if Coughlin didn't hand playcalling duties to Gilbride so he could show that the guy couldn't do anything, and that the offensive coaches were the reason for the Giants' slide out of playoff contention. At any rate, it doesn't matter. WAS

Great CSI Quote

Greg: "Every time I come to the desert I see porno mags. Who brings spankables here?"
Nick Stokes: "It's probably just trash blown in from off the street."
Greg: "Nobody throws away porn! It's like heirlooms, passed down and down (fades to muttering)"

It should be noted that Kirsten has a crush on Eric Szmanda.

Best Forum Post Ever?

Bees!

Warning: Reading may induce shit-your-pants laughter.

Musical Observations

A couple of years ago, in their quixotic (love that word) quest to define every word we use in the English Language, the Oxford English Dictionary included with much fanfare the word "Bootylicious." That word, of course, had been made famous by Beyonce Knowles and her song by the same title, which includes the oft-repeated lines "I don't think you're ready / For this jelly / My body's too bootylicious for you, baby."

This is the Webster's definition: "sexually attractive, esp. in the buttocks."

Now, I'm too cheap to subscribe to the Oxford website, but I can guess what they'd write:
"Sexually attractive, and often in the posession of jelly."

Kirsten was singing along with my copy of the song earlier, including the above line. I informed her that I had (in point of fact) made preparations for jelly. I also told her that I was quite confident I could handle her body's bootyliciousness.

She scoffed.

Soon after we were listening to Our Lady Peace's song "Clumsy," and Kirsten pointed out that I shouldn't like OLP, because I hate Oasis (it's true, I do). But it's not Oasis's music I dislike - generally, it's the right mix of mellow and paranoid for me. But I hate Oasis as people, because I think they're a bunch of moody selfish asshats who are so drug-addled they couldn't write a decent rhyme if you told them just copy straight from The Cat in the Hat. OLP, on the other hand, has managed to fade into obscurity the way they're supposed to: quietly. Not like, say, Great White, or Axl Rose.

Speaking of Guns N' Roses, GNR's non-sociopathic members, who now make up the backbone of Velvet Revolver (with drug-addled Scott Weiland as lead singer), announced recently via the Velvet Revolver MySpace page that they were working on their sophomore album, which should hit stores by May.

NFL Picks, Week 16

Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Chanukah, and season's greetings!*

Vikings at Packers: What was the NFL thinking when they scheduled this game for NFL Network? Last year the NFC North was the worst division in football. Now a team is starting Tavaris Jackson. GB
Chiefs at Raiders: Those who don't get NFL Network are lucky, becuase this game is on that channel, too. KC
Bears at Lions: Even without Tank Johnson, the kittens in blue don't stand a chance. CHI
Redskins at Rams: Neither team is that impressive, and Jason Campbell is showing signs of growing into the role of starter, but he's not there yet. Since both teams are about equal, it's down to home-field advantage. STL
Saints at Giants: Marques Colston is expected to be back to 100% this week. Meanwhile, Giants coach Tom Coughlin is publicly criticizing his quarterback for making mistakes rather than, say, admit that his coaching staff has made Eli Manning worse this season instead of better. And ohbytheway there's a salary cap penalty for cutting Manning (which Coughlin obviously wants to do), while there's no such penalty for firing Coughlin (which the Giants players want to do). NOR
Ravens at Steelers: The Steelers have been playing better football this week, and Kyle Boller will get the start. That's all you need to know. PIT
Panthers at Falcons: You know, I honestly don't care about this game. That's really weird to me. ATL, or something.
Patriots at Jaguars: When the Jaguars get a good thing going, they crumble under the pressure they put on themselves. When the Patriots get a good thing going, they...well, they keep doing it. NE
Titans at Bills: Did you know that J.P. Losman has the fifth-highest quarterback rating in the AFC? Seriously. The Titans are playing lights-out football, though, and I can't discount that. TEN
Colts at Texans: Well, the Bengals brought the Colts out of their funk, and the Texans are not nearly as good as the Bengals. IND
Buccaneers at Browns: And I thought I didn't care about the Panthers game. CLE
Cardinals at 49ers: The Dennis Green Career Death Spiral continues. Hard as it is to believe, but I think Randall Cunningham and Jeff George were the real reasons for Green's success in Minnesota. SFO
Bengals at Broncos: With my heart, not my head. CIN
Chargers at Seahawks: Uhm, yeah. The Seahawks are good, but the Chargers are much, much better. SDG
Eagles at Cowboys: I don't think the Cowboys want to repeat the performance against the Saints two weeks ago, and definitely not against a division foe. DAL wins on emotion and fire, not skill.
Jets at Dolphins: Despite being two games apart, these teams are pretty close, but the edge goes to the Jets. NYJ

*Void for members of all teams competing against the Bengals for a playoff spot

Anyone Else Notice This?

For some reason, it seems to me that Shakira, when she sings, sounds like she's doing her darndest to swallow her tongue.

Not that I mind, because I'm sure that she has quite attractive a tongue. In fact, if my tongue were half as nice as I imagine hers is, I'd try to keep it all to myself too. I'd probably try to make out with myself. But that's a story for another day. And a therapist. Not you people.

You may recall being a kid and trying to imitate Alvin and the Chipmunks, talking with your tongue way back in your throat. That's Shakira to me. Except she has breasts, obviously.

Anyway, this post is really just a thinly-veiled excuse to embed a video of Shakira shaking what her momma (and God, and her deal with the Antichrist) gave her.



As an aside, did you know she speaks five languages fluently? I can't even pick my nose without causing permanent damage, and God only knows what sort of international disaster I'd cause by trying to sing in Spanish.

Freedom of Information in Action

Now that I've managed to get in touch with everyone who I felt I should tell in person (via phone, email, or face-to-face), it's finally time to let the public know:

I'm getting hitched. And I'm freaking terrified.

Come next October the 7th, I'll no longer be a free man, and all of my actions will have consequences and everything. It's scary and weird and it makes me feel really old. It's like - well, it's weird. But at the same time it's a good thing, like I'm actually saying "Well, I've got facial hair, so this is the next logical step."

Those who know me, of course, will point out that my facial hair is a bit patchy and thin, but no matter; the point remains valid.

NFL Picks, Week 15

Only three full weeks left in the NFL season, and then it's up to the playoffs. It always seems like the season goes by a little faster each year - very weird. And sad, because it means I'm getting older.

Buccaneers at Bears: It used to be that this would be a defensive slugfest with very little offense. Now, it seems, it'll be a defensive slugfest with whatever half of "very little" is. CHI
Steelers at Panthers: What a pair of disappointments. I'm at the point where I honestly could care less what either craptacular-but-was-supposed-to-be-good team does, so let's say CAR
Lions at Packers: Yet another unheralded end to a season, yet another end-of-season "Where will Brett Favre play next year" media blitz. GB
Browns at Ravens: The Ravens can clinch the AFC North crown with a win today. The Browns can play spoiler, but won't. BAL
Jaguars at Titans: Vince Young is 6-4 as a rookie starting quarterback. How many other folks not named Roethlisberger can say that? Not Maurice Jones-Drew (partly because he's a running back). Despite MJD's outstanding work this season, the win goes to Vinny. TEN
Jets at Vikings: People keep prattling on about how good the Vikings run defense is, which is fine, but remember this: the Jets don't have a ground game, so it won't matter. NYJ
Texans at Patriots: As bad as the Jaguars have looked the last season and a half, and as weak as the Colts are on defense, I'd like to pick the Texans as a black-horse wildcard candidate next season. But not this season. And don't look now, but the Patriots are still two games up in their division, and clinch with this win. NE
Redskins at Saints: Ouch, dude. Just...ouch. This will be a laugher. NOR
Dolphins at Bills: The Bills were supposed to be an outside candidate for the playoffs this season, but for some reason it just hasn't come together well for them. Maybe it's because they have a terrible offense? MIA in a win, even without video of J.P. Losman.
Broncos at Cardinals: Anyone else notice that there are four cat-themed teams (Lions, Bengals, Jaguars, Panthers) but only three horse-themed teams (Cowboys, Colts, Broncos) despite horses being more important to the development of the modern USA than kittens? DEN
Rams at Raiders: There is only one sheep-themed team in the NFL. For the best, really. STL
Eagles at Giants: Jeff Garcia owned the Giants as a 49er, and he'll own them again. Bad play and coaching on the G-men side of the field won't hurt. PHI
Chiefs at Chargers: Maybe LaDanian Tomlinson will slow down, now that he doesn't have anything to play for anymore after setting the single-season TD record. Or, maybe not. SD
Bengals at Colts: The question in this game is whether Cincinnati offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski will realize that running the ball early and often is all it will really take to beat the Colts. I don't think he will - in fact, I'd wager that no more than 1/3 of the Bengals' plays in the second half will be runs, regardless of the score. IND

Interesting Only to Myself

Kirsten does not like the scent of Chanel No. 5.

Seasonal Activity May Vary

Kirsten and I wrapped a few presents and stuck them under the Christmas tree, including a couple for her folks, and one for Cecily. Or, more accurately, Kirsten wrapped presents, and I watched and muddled through a game of Madden 97 that I found for my Genesis emulator. God bless Madden 97 - it really was the best of the bunch.

Anyway, I have yet to purchase more than a couple of gifts for folks, although half of my Chanukah gifts are out and in the post. That leaves only...well...Christmas. Then I, like the rest of you, are done for the year.

One of the great things about the holiday season used to be that NBC showed Thursday night football games. No more: now they're on NFL network, which has bad coverage, smarmy sportscasters (Cris Collinsworth, you are not as smart as you think you are), and isn't seen by more than half of America's cable subscribers. So it's like the game isn't happening...or like it's a college game between Nevada and BYU. You know it's out there, you know somebody might be watching, but you haven't actually seen it so it might as well be a myth, like Loch Ness or Britney Spears's intelligence.

There's also a Saturday game that will be broadcast. You know, to everyone.

So, for the game that might actually be happening (or might not), and the one that definitely will:
49ers at Seahawks: Believe it or not, the 49ers are in second place in their division. The fact that they're 5-8 and have no chance at a wild card (the NFC west is the only division without any hopes of a wild-card team) shows that this is the worst division in pro football this year. SEA
Cowboys at Falcons: This is a really difficult game to pick for me, and I'm not sure why. I'm leaning towards Dallas, just because I think they're a slightly better team, but they looked pretty bad against the Saints last week, and that was at home. So I'll go out on a limb here and say ATL

So Tired for No Reason

NFL Picks, week 14:
ATL at TB: ATL
OAK at CIN: CIN
PHI at WAS: PHI
NYG at CAR: CAR
MIN at DET: MIN (Vikings are the underdogs? What?)
IND at JAX: IND
BAL at KC: KC
TEN at HOU: TEN
NE at MIA: NE
SEA at ARI: SEA
GB at SFO: GB
BUF at NYJ: NYJ
DEN at SD: SD
NO at DAL: NO
CHI at STL: CHI

Boughs of Hickory

The Christmas season is truly upon us: Kirsten and I bought a cheese ball.

Premature Ranting?

Apparently WVU football coach Rich Rodriguez is staying at WVU.
I'm glad he's staying. But any coach who leaves his team/school/employer, especially after saying he'd stay, deserves the wroth I hoped God, or Fate, or whatever, would visit upon Rodriguez if he'd left.

There are 117 D-1 college football teams, and probably 9,000 college football players. Only 1 in maybe 50 will ever make a pro league. So that means 49 of every 50 people on those teams put on a uniform for something beyond professional goals. You are never too old to learn ethics, standards of behavior, and what a promise means. And while I may come across as a do-gooder idealist, I honestly believe that playing football, or any sport, is good for student athletes for the lessons they learn both from the game AND from the people who teach that game.

And a lesson that "money is more important than my word" is the wrong lesson to deliver, even if those students already believe that. Stand up in the face of that offer of more money: show your students that commitments mean something.

That's just what I was trying to get across.

I'm still a little steamed that he even made people wait. I know he signed a contract upgrade with WVU today around the same time he told his team that he was staying, so perhaps he was just trying to squeeze West Virginia out of some dough. And that was a little iffy. But again, yeah, I'm glad he'll be at WVU for a while longer.

Whoops

Forgot to post my pick for tonight's game.

Counts as a loss, that does. And I'm a dummy.

In other news, West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez is thisclose to accepting a 2-million-dollar-per-year offer from Alabama to coach their football team. Let me remind you that just last week he said he wanted to finish his coaching career at West Virginia University.

Let me just say that if he accepts, fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid nostrils. I'm not a big fan of coaches who say one thing and do another anyway, because it sends the message to his players that they are far less important to him, and personal honor is far less important to him, than a few extra dollars. Further, his contract isn't up yet, so he lets them know that contracts, and once again personal honor, are violable whenever a better offer comes along and your new employer is willing to pay your old employer to steal you away.

All of these are the wrong signals to send, and all of these re-inforce a team's players' preconceived notions of "it's OK to get mine"-type selfishness that already permeates professional sports. That selfishness creates guys like Terrell Owens and lets them flourish, and reinforces the public's preconceived notions of same.

So, once again: Rich Rodriguez, if you accept this offer, fuck you. And the horse you rode in on. If you take this offer, I hope your coaching career stagnates. I hope your teams fail. I hope everything in your life turns to shit. Just like I wish that for every other coach who sends this petty, self-serving message to his team, his employer, and his fans.

Dick.