NFL Picks, week three

Well, I'm only five games back. And with the bye weeks starting, I can't possibly go down by more than...let's see...eight weeks times fourteen games a week...hmmm...112 games!

Atlanta at Buffalo: As Chris (obviously wisely) put it last week, in a defensive struggle, pick the home team. Atlanta, believe it or not, has a good defense. BUF
Carolina at Miami: Last week's win over the Patriots? No fluke. CAR
Cincinnati at Chicago: I can't believe I picked the Vikings to beat the Bengals. Oh, that's right, everyone did. CIN
Cleveland at Indianapolis: I was just in Indianapolis. It's a very clean city. Not unlike Cleveland, actually, if you understand that by "unlike" I mean, "at all like." IND
Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets: Chad Pennington is an off-again on-again player right now, alternately looking good and gimpy. Byron Leftwich, on the other hand, is a born leader and a badass to the bone. JAX
New Orleans at Minnesota: Three straight road games, three straight decent performances. Randy Moss isn't what's missing in Minnesota, because Scott Linehan's the genius who left. NO
Oakland at Philadelphia: According to Dr. Z, this is a matchup of the number 6 and 7 receivers in the league. I look at it as more of a test as how well Randy Moss can handle being 0-3. PHI
Tampa Bay at Green Bay: Green Bay's players have to know that if they lose this game, their playoff hopes are totally shot, and Brett Favre will look like maybe it's time for that consecutive games streak to end. Tampa's players are only looking to prove that the team is back in the hunt for the playoffs. Since the Packers have more riding on this game, I'm going with them to win. GB
Tennessee at St. Louis: Saint Louis is not the greatest show on turf anymore, but one stat that gets overlooked a lot is that Marc Bulger is 19-2 at home as a starter. STL
Arizona at Seattle: I want Kurt Warner to win, but winning an away game, with his awful line, against a decent Seahawks team, is going to be hard. SEA
Dallas at San Francisco: I was explaining to Kirsten why Mike Nolan can't wear a suit on the sidelines at his games, instead of those idiotic staff polo shirts that NFL Properties force coaches to wear. That has nothing to do with why the 'Boys will take out their frustrations on the hapless Forty-Niners. DAL
New England at Pittsburgh: Roethlismagic? Sure, why not? PIT
N.Y. Giants at San Diego:: Can Eli handle the boo birds? I'm not convinced. SD
Kansas City at Denver: I did some research into past pairings, and learned that in the last 22 years, there have been 3 major heat waves that hit Kansas City: 1983, 88, and 93. Each of those years, the Chiefs lost to the Broncos in Denver, probably because they'd practiced in intense heat and thick air, and weren't getting what they needed in terms of oxygen in Denver. I'm willing to wager that the Broncos will win this one, too, in this other intense and dry summer. DEN.

On Bloodsport

Boxer Leavander Johnson died yesterday night, after suffering severe brain injuries during his title defense fight in Las Vegas on Saturday, at the MGM Grand. Johnson is the sixth boxer to die in Las Vegas in the last 10 years.

As a rule, I'm not a big fan of professional boxing, for a lot of reasons. Worst off are the promoters: Mike Tyson had no financial sense, but boxers don't get agents - they get promoters. And with nobody with any fiduciary knowledge on the boxer's side, promoters are able to set up multi-million dollar fights and keep all but a few hundred thousand for themselves. Don King is far richer than Mike Tyson ever was, and now Tyson is broke and King stopped caring a long time ago.

And those same promoters refuse to pay for a simple brain scan for their fighters before bouts, because they say it's too expensive. But these scans could detect whether a boxer's brain would be able to take the punishment coming from 15 rounds of beating and being beaten to a pulp, and would be more able to sort out guys who probably shouldn't be in the ring.

So far, the Nevada Boxing Commission, that bastion of propriety and ethics, has sided with the promoters. Never mind that the big title bouts pull in tens of millions of dollars on pay-per-view, and that the paychecks for fighters are determined before the fight starts (that's right - guys know how much they'll make, win or lose).

Leavander Johnson apparently had a minor limp in his stride before the fight on Saturday, something that's usually indicative of a stroke. His trainer noticed it, but either didn't say something or Johnson himself told him it was no big deal, just a little swagger. But a simple MRI would have told the truth, and would have stopped the fight before it happened.

But, I guess that would have been too expensive. Someone be sure to tell Johnson's family that the difference between him being in a casket and him being at home watching football on Sunday is about $2400.

WTH?

What the hell kind of crazy bizzaro world do we live in where the Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, and San Diego Chargers (all playoff entries last year) are 0-2, but the Cincinnati Bengals, Washington Redskins, and Kansas City Chiefs (all stay-at-home-in-January teams) are 2-0?

It's freakish. Absolutely freakish. I guess parity, that long-sought-after idea that any given season any given team can win the Super Bowl, has officially hit the NFL.

Except, of course, for the Arizona Cardinals.

NFL Picks, Week 2

I came into the office yesterday, to do work (believe it or not), and discovered that I had a leak and water was oh so slowly rap-tap-tapping at my chamber floor. Or, more accurately, drip-drip-dripping onto some rather important paperwork.

Turns out the HVAC repair guys had accidentally punctured the roof above my office when installing a new air mover, and water was coming in through the roof and dripping into my office through an air vent. They were nice enough to come out and fix it in yesterday's driving rainstorm, though. Especially since it was their fault.

Now, onto the picks. It's obvious that I was mentally deficient last week, and I don't have an excuse for that. Let's just hope I don't screw it up that badly this week, too.

Baltimore at Tennessee: In a game that's going to be ugly and that nobody cares about, it's tough to decide which team is going to start the season 0-2. Kyle Boller's playing possum, giving us Anthony Wright in the purple and black. Oooooo. TEN
Buffalo at Tampa Bay: This game will probably come down to defense. Tampa Bay isn't as bad as Houston was last week (how could I get so fooled?), but I still think the Bills'll hold Tampa Bay down just long enough. BUF
Detroit at Chicago: Chicago looked as bad as I figured they would last week. The home crowd will be an upshot, but it's not yet cold and nasty enough for the weather to be a difference-maker. DET
Jacksonville at Indianapolis: Byron Leftwich is really growing into his own now, in his third year, and Fred Taylor hasn't broken anything yet. But Indianapolis suddenly has a defense, and they still have the Triplets on offense. IND
Minnesota at Cincinnati: Last week, Cincinnati failed to record a single sack. Even Indianapolis's Larry Triplett recorded two (career before last week: 3 years, one sack). And while Daunte Culpepper had hands of butter against the Bucs, they were actually hitting him. Home opener for Cincinnati will be won by the visitors. MIN
New England at Carolina: Some people think Carolina's overrated. Against the Pats, almost everyone is. NE
Pittsburgh at Houston: Technically, Ben Roethli..Rothles...Roalfle...the Steelers quarterback had a perfect QB rating last year. Problem is, you have to throw at least 14 passes to qualify for a ranking in that statistic - and he only threw 11. He's still a fantasy darling, and Houston is just not a very good team. PIT
San Francisco at Philadelphia: San Francisco only beat the Rams for two reasons: one, the special teams on the Rams are awful. Two, the Rams are gonna be crappy this year. PHI
Atlanta at Seattle: Peter Warrick had no catches last week, proving me right when I said even he couldn't save the Seahawks. Same stats and results this week, I fear. ATL
St. Louis at Arizona: Those bad special teams I told you about? They're playing against another bad special teams unit in Arizona. There will be almost thirty thousand fans in Tempe. Real loyal, those Phoenix folks. </sarcasm> STL
Cleveland at Green Bay: Boy, did Brett Favre have me fooled. I completely ignored the fact that he was playing in a dome, where he has a tendency to play poorly. At least they're playing Cleveland this week. Hint for fantasy owners: keep your eyes on Frisman Jackson. GB
Miami at N.Y. Jets: New head coach Nick Saban takes over a team that really showed a lot of defensive skill last year, and puts Gus Frerotte into the starting QB role. And the team wins. Scary, huh? MIA
San Diego at Denver: The reason that San Diego lost last week is not because of Antonio Gates, it's because Marty Schottenheimer was afraid to run the ball when he had first and goal at the end of the game, and down by four. Not once did he run. Chances are good he won't make the same mistake this week. SD
Kansas City at Oakland: Good Lord, Warren Sapp is fat. Not the effective, clog-the-lane kind of fat that you want in a defensive tackle, but the have-to-be-removed-from-your-home-with-a-crane kind of fat. KC

Monday Night
N.Y. Giants at New Orleans: This game is actually at the Meadowlands in New Jersey, even though the Saints are being labelled the home team. The Giants have said they'll decorate the Meadowlands in New Orleans colors, and even paint one of the end zones with the Saints' logo and colors. That's very nice of them - can they bring in a bunch of Louisianans, too? No matter, the Saints are excellent on the road. NO
Washington at Dallas: The Saints game will go over to ESPN at 9:00 Eastern time, to make way for this game. Most fans, including myself, will follow. DAL

NFL Picks, continued

Another day, another glut of NFL games. God Bless America.

Chicago at Washington: True, Kyle Orton is a better start over whoever else is on the Bears roster at quarterback right now. But then, that's like saying that some crap is better than other crap. WAS
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Just because new head coach Romeo Crennel got rid of his four underperforming defensive line starters in the offseason doesn't mean the defense will be any better. Carson Palmer, on the other hand, has struggled this preseason. It'll be close, but the Bengals will win. CIN
Denver at Miami: Where did the Browns' old defensive line go? To Denver, of course. All four of 'em. The Dolphins, on the other hand, neither made their team worse nor better, which still leaves them at pretty bad. DEN
Houston at Buffalo: This is Houston's year. Not to win the Super Bowl, just to do better than .500 ball. As much promise as JP Losman shows, it's pretty likely that the Texans will really start to gel during the season. HOU
New Orleans at Carolina: Saying Katrina is a distraction is an understatement. As much love as I'm sure Carolina fans will give the Saints, it still won't be enough. CAR
New York Jets at Kansas City: Hey, look! The Chiefs improved their defense! Look the other way! They're still the Chiefs! NYJ
Tampa Bay at Minnesota: So the Vikings lost Randy Moss. No big deal, because Nate Burleson is underrated and an overperformer. MIN
Tennessee at Pittsburgh: Once more, the Titans had to jettison a lot of good players to get under the salary cap. Once more, it'll bite 'em on the butt. PIT
Seattle at Jacksonville: Even Peter Warrick can't save the Seapigeons from years of Mike Holmgren's ineptitude and the stubborn case of the drops. JAX
Arizona at New York Giants: Karma, baby. ARI
Dallas at San Diego: I know, I went on an anti-Schottenheimer tirade every so often last year. I know, I looked like an idiot. But I'm willing to do it again, at least on the back of Julius Jones. DAL
Green Bay at Detroit: The girlfriend thinks Brett Favre is an egotist for trying to play another season, even though he's proven all he needs to prove. I respond that any pro athlete always has to feel like he's got to prove something, else he has no drive and no reason to keep going. Besides, as long as he can play Detroit twice a year, he can at least eke out two quality starts. GB
St. Louis at San Francisco: Alex Smith? Not ready? But he's the number one pick! Which means nothing. STL
Indianapolis at Baltimore: Jamal Lewis, like Brett Favre, feels he has something to prove. In his case, it's that he never dropped the soap on purpose. BAL in a HUGE upset.
Philadelphia at Atlanta: Terrell and Donovan are best friends again, just like we all knew deep down that they would be. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. Releasing Peerless Price is addition by subtraction for the Falcons, but it might not be enough. PHI

New Template

Hopefully more soothing to the eyes than the last one.

EDIT on 9/9:
You'll also notice that my old comments have been lost. This is because they were on a different server (enetation.co.uk) and I couldn't save them in the move to the new template. I hope nobody minds, but I must admit that the argument between two posters (Neal and...someone) on my second post was a laugh riot.

Gauntlets? Ha!

Chris can throw down all the gauntlets he likes. All he'll get is a bunch of dented gloves.

Ladies and gentlemen, I accept his challenge, and throw down my Isotoners to indicate so.

Dan Marino, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Please don't hit me.

NFL Pick, week one, the Rolling Stones/Kanye West opening edition:

Oakland at New England: Randy Moss is now a Raider, and Romeo Crennel has given up his position as New England Defensive Coordinator. Coincidence? I think not. Not that it matters, because Tom Brady is still uberdreamy. NE

I'm a jerk

So, a few months ago I had me one of those Listerine Pocket Pack strips - you know, the ones that dissolve in your mouth and make you feel like you just accidentally touched a match to rocket fuel on your tongue?

Anyway, my cats were both sniffing merrily away at the package that the strips come in, and then at one of the strips itself when I took it out to give them a better grip on the situation, as it were. One of the cats, Grace, took it upon herself to take a nibble, and stared at me for a minute before the thing started to really get going - poor thing freaked out, and gave me a look when it was all over along the lines of "I know where you sleep, bitchface."

Josephine, my other cat, either didn't see this exchange or didn't think such a thing could happen to her. She sniffed the strip a bit, and then took the whole thing in her mouth.

Two seconds later, she took off running, frantically trying to get away from the thing in her maw that was causing so much discomfort. (Hint: If you ever have something in your mouth, and it's causing you discomfort, you cannot run away from it. Running away does nothing, because your mouth almost always remains firmly embedded in your face.)

When I finally tracked her down, 10 seconds and 3 rooms later, poor Josephine was cowered in the center of the office, drooling madly and trying to force the taste out of her mouth with her tongue. It was among the most pathetic things I'd seen since Mike Dukakis ran for president.

I don't have a picture of Josephine drooling madly, but this is a pretty good approximation.

The moral of this story? Never let a cat call you bitchface.

Totally Unattainable
It's common knowledge that most every photograph in a celebrity's portfolio, and in Cosmo and Maxim, is airbrushed to cover up imperfections in the models. Because, after all, it's easier to pose a model than to carve a marble sculpture. Cheaper, too, I'm told.

But if you've ever wondered what these impossibly gorgeous women look like when they're actually photographed, then this site is for you.

Just to be clear: even without the touchups, I'd still hit it. Every one of them. If I were single, I mean.

I Wish I were More into Bondage.
So, I have this horrible problem. It's not that I'm stupid, or virtually hairless (except my calves, what's up with that?) or that I lack a certain... Je ne sais quoi.

It's that I'm addicted to McDonald's.

Hello, my name is Brian. (response: Hi, Brian!)
I have a problem. I love going to McDonald's. I don't really like the food. I'm not a big fan of the prices. But for some reason, the convenience of this place is just too much to bear when I'm doing things like dogsitting, working out, or breathing.
(response: mumbled affirmations)

Perhaps it's the ever-more-prevalent ad campaign. Perhaps I just operate with a total sense of impunity since I can't seem to gain weight no matter what I do. Perhaps it's just that I shouldn't be allowed to shop for myself. Whatever it is, I find that I enjoy punishing myself with fatty greasy blandness every chance I get.
(response: Amen)
Today, for example, I went to a Mickey D's on south Big Bend, near Key Lime Avenue. I waited at the drive-through for so long that a car two spots ahead of me, having already ordered, gave up in frustration and left. This seemed to throw off the cashiers, who started screaming to the food-giver-outters that the car directly in front of me had pulled in and was trying to steal food, which they weren't. This also led the cashiers to tell me I owed 24 dollars and 16 cents, when in fact I only owed $4.54.

I told the cashier "No, I only ordered one value meal, you told me it was $4.54," and gave her a twenty. She asked a manager to clear out a different order, apparently the driveaway, and then she turned to me and said, "Alright, sorry about that. Four fifty-four." I told her I'd already given her the money, and she looked very confused, like I'd just told her I'd rather have a venti half-soy half-skim double-shot mocha no-whip. Then she looked down at the bill in her hand, smiled, and resumed innanely pushing buttons and making weird facial expressions at the cash register.

Between pulling into the drive-through and when I finally left, I think I spent about 10 minutes. Ten very agonizing minutes.

And I'm sure I'll be there again tomorrow. Why can't I just wear a gimp suit and be spanked like normal masochists?