Happy Birthday!
On this date 115 years ago, the last rivet on the Eiffel Tower was popped into place.

The only question is, how does one celebrate the one hundred and fifteenth birthday of a gigantic steel penis?

Further proof that sportscasters are generally morons
When I was a kid, I grew up thinking it would be really cool to be a sportscaster, you know? Just ride around on a bus or airplane, go to lots of football and baseball games, and do nothing during the months of January to April.

I found out later that sportscasters have to do all sports at least somewhat well, and have to know those sports fairly inside-out, in order to do their jobs. I decided on veterinary medicine instead, and it should be noted that I haven't really achieved that goal either.

But back on topic, I've also learned since my childhood days that a lot of sports announcers are phenomenally dumb people, who only talk to hear their own voices. Yesterday's NCAA basketball game between Pittsburgh's Panthers and the Oklahoma State Cowboys was a case in point. In the second half with about 12 minutes to play, Pittsburgh was up by 2 points, and Carl Krauser had the ball for the Panthers. The announcers were talking about young Mr. Krauser as if he'd already won the game for the Panthers, and one of them even went so far as to say, "He's broken the backs of the Cowboys several times tonight."

Pardon?

The Panthers are up by a grand total of one field goal basket and you're saying that their backs have been broken? If Krauser were responsible for Pitt going up by 20, then sure, yeah, you can say that. But with 12 minutes left in a tight game, that's hardly a whuppin.'

I have no idea who the announcers were for this game, but I don't really care, either. Being that full of hot air causes one to lose his or her right to a name. They're now just "the bad CBS broadcast team."

Oh, and the game? Oklahoma State won, broken backs and all.

Giving up the ghost
Most of you readers will remember when FoxNews filed a lawsuit against Al Franken for his book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, as FoxNews thought that they had successfully trademarked the phrase "fair and balanced," and that people might confuse Al Franken's book with a product of FoxNews Corp (FNC).

FNC eventually lost the lawsuit, because a) the judge in the case never thought that any intelligent person would confuse a comedic book about lying right-wingers and written by a left-wing author with the product of a right-wing news organization, and b) trademarking a three-word phrase that's in common use really oughtn't count at all.

For a while, though the foxnews.com website followed up just about every article with a tagline that read "Click here for a fair and balanced report by (x person)." Perhaps this was a shot back at the judge, or Al Franken, or whoever. But it was there.

In the last two days, however, the pages now end with "Click here for a complete report by Fox News' (x person)."

The difference is fine, but it's there. I guess the Fox lawyers finally figured out that it wasn't worth continuing the charade, and that very few people who read news stories on foxnews.com actually want "fair and balanced" reporting. I mean, let's face it - they want politically-charged drivel, same as the rest of us.

No word yet on whether Donald Trump's application for "You're Fired!" has gone through.

Whatever happened to the good old days of Chinese take-out?
On a lark today, I decided that I would steal a soda from the Phonathon program and use it to enrich myself (or rather, keep from impoverishing myself). Sodas, you see, are the lifeblood of my...uhm...life...and therefore necessary for...my...life.

OK, this is already awkward. Let's skip a bit.

After liberating my soda, I noticed that the drawer I had to remove to do so was stocked full of fortune cookies from the nearby Chinese-type eatery, Hon's Wok. I've never met Hon, but I have had his food in the past, and it's actually pretty good. Never had the sesame chicken, but the General Tso's is top-shelf. On the fortune cookie front, however, Hon is losing the battle.

The idea of the "fortune cookie" is that there should be some sort of baked confection with a fortune inside (hence the name), that should help people to choose or control their destinies. Good fortunes should be acted upon, and bad fortunes should be avoided or delayed until the time is less bad.

I noticed a few years ago that fortune cookie companies, in a bid to separate themselves from their rivals, started putting lucky numbers in their cookies. Some even put little "learn Chinese!" words or phrases on the backs of the fortunes, nevermind that there are two very different dialects of the language. I learned to say, "I am sugar" in Mandarin from these fortunes. Woohoo.

Lately, though, and this is the subject of this post, there have been fewer fortunes to be had, and more - how do I say this? - crap. On a similar lark to the one that garnered me my Cherry Coke™®, I opened a cookie from Hon's Wok and got the following:
"Have a wonderful day."

What, is this a command? A suggestion? Is ink (see the post from 3.18.2004) so expensive that the makers of these fine confections can't even put "You will" at the front of this otherwise uninteresting statement? Apparently so. Here are the next six fortunes I got:

• God looks after you especially.


• You have a deep appreciation for the arts and music


• You have an iron will, which helps you succeed in everything.


• You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.


• You will have a long and healthy life.


• You soon will be involved in many gatherings and parties

Of these "fortunes," only two of them are even remotely fortune-like.

Frankly, I'm sick of this nonsense. If I'm paying $4.25 for freaking wonton soup, then I want decent fortunes, dammit! Is that too much to ask?

As a solution, I'm going to start my own fortune-cookie company. But none of this "Long and happy life" crap. Nosiree. I'm going to have real fortunes, which will actually lead to fortune (or maybe despair).

Here's my first run:

• This food will come back to haunt you.


• Your lucky number will be 7, as long as you do not play the lottery.


• Your toes will turn gangrenous next week.


• Your lover will leave you for a hermaphrodite.


• America will fall into a lake of fire, unless you buy another spring roll.


• Your life will be full of woe and misfortune.


• You will be convicted of a crime you didn't commit.


• Your long-lost twin will come back for you, and he's hungry.


• You will bring plague and desolation with you from the bathroom.

And on the back? How about "Learn Urdu?"

Trump will save our economy
Depending on who you ask, you may hear that the economy is on a gentle upswing, or that we're all still collectively screwed (for information on the second, please see: my paycheck).

However, Donald Trump has made a move which will undoubtedly keep more people in their jobs, should his application be granted: He's applied to trademark the phrase "You're fired."

(story and applications here)

If he's successful, and is granted a far-reaching trademark, then he'll be able, in theory, to charge some small amount of money every time a manager says those two hated words. Companies, in an attempt to cut costs at every opportunity, will probably be tempted to instead say things like, "You're being outsourced," "We're moving in a different direction," and "you're part of an outplacement program."

However, this will undoubtedly cost money as well, in terms of additional ink required for those extra letters.

There are, therefore, two options that a corporation looking to cut fat has:
1) Pay a nickel to Trump, or pay a penny in extra printing costs. Keeping in mind that any spending, even wasteful spending, is in the end good for an economy, either choice is good; each will provide more wealth to one entity or another (The Donald or The Printer), which will then likely spend that money, whereas it would otherwise have been kept in company coffers.
2) Avoid the costs of firing people and keep their employees on payroll. They may have to charge a little more for goods or services, but enh - I'm sure we'll all live. This, of course, is also good for the economy.

Now, if only there were a way to get those 2.3 million jobs already lost back...but I'm sure Donald's working on something. And if he isn't, then there's always Ivana...

And all I ever do is barf
In another sad reminder that sometimes drinking and piloting aircraft don't mix, a Houston, Texas-area man has been charged with about a bazillion different counts after stealing two airplanes from a local airport, "flying" one of them into a set of high-tension powerlines that caused him to crash the stolen bird.

The guy had been celebrating his 21st birthday (alone, I'd wager), and wandered into a local private-plane airport where he'd done some community service work before. He taxied one along the runways before deciding it was too difficult to operate (that might have something to do with the booze, chief), so he returned it to the hangar and took out a little Cessna twin-seater. By reading the owner's manual, he managed to get aloft before hitting the powerlines.

Several witnesses saw the accident - one of them called 911, presumed the pilot was dead, and went golfing. The criminal in question, a Mr. Louis P. Kadlecek, was later IDd by composite sketches from eyewitnesses who actually made an effor to help.

Firstly: If you see an airplane crash into powerlines, then plummet to the ground, what kind of inhuman assclown do you have to be to think "Enh, I've got a tee time?" Shouldn't your first response at least be, "Wow, that freaks me out?" Maybe you could even say, "If I weren't such a yellow-bellied lilly-livered road apple, I'd help?" BUT YOU GO PLAY FREAKING GOLF? I'm sorry, but you're officially a bad person.

Secondly, Mr. Kadlacek had had run-ins with the law before. It's probably just happenstance that where the plane fell was inside prison grounds: the Wayne Scott Prison Unit. He managed to walk to a highway and get home, though. But how was he allowed onto the airfield? You've got this obviously drunken guy with a few cases of beer, and he just waltzes into an area full of conceivable weapons? I remember hearing a story on the news about some folks who commandeered airplanes and used them to great "success" in a terrorist mission. Anyone else remember this? Airport security obviously doesn't.

Next on my notation list is that the guy loaded the plane up with stolen beer. This is actually a kudos to Mr. Kadlacek, since he's obviously got his kleptomania up to an art form.

Enough ranting, though. I have golf to play.

Final Spam Count
Hmm...only 63. I guess I'm not as popular as I thought I was.

By the way, I should note that only 28 of those were caught by AOL and shunted to my spam folder.

On the road again...
I'm taking my first trip to California in almost 15 years this weekend, or more accurately, today. I'll be back Tuesday, but the big question isn't really "How long will you be gone?" or "What will you do when you get there?"

The big question, really, is "How many spam emails will you get before you return?"

I get most of my email through an AOL account, and they purport to have new spam-blocking features. That makes sense, since they are the largest ISP in the United States, they have a responsibility to make sure they're also not the easiest to target. However, I don't really know how effective the spam blocker is...I still get between 20 and 40 ads per day in my inbox, and none of them really interest me.

Except the Britney Spears and Shakira ones. Those I open.

The rest, though...
-I don't need Viagra. I'm 23, almost 24, but I'm not Bob Dole. Last I checked, the plumbing still worked.
-I don't need fake Viagra. If I'm not going to buy the real stuff, why do companies think I'll be willing to buy something that's just as likely to just be mustard powder colored with off-brand Windex?
-I don't understand what the deal is with "Webcam girls." I remember when this started, and it was just called "Streaming video." Why do I want to look at choppy soundless images when I can download "Emmanuelle in Space" off of KaZaA in 12 minutes?
-My penis does not need enlarged.
-I hope.
-I don't want a mail-order bride. Have you seen "Birthday Girl?" I don't want that shit happening to me.

My favorites, though, are the "Eliminate Debt free!" ads. Why is it that I, as a consumer, have to pay 40 bucks to read my credit report, and yet these fly-by-night Russian banks can obviously get it for free? I love this country.

That said, the over/under on my spam count for the next 5 days is 100.

I shoulda gone to public school
Even those of you that think I'm boring should get a kick out of this one. Below is an actual test administered to actual students by an actual assistant coach at the University of Georgia, one Mr. Jim Harrick Jr. Coach Harrick Jr.'s students in a 2001 Coaching Strategies and Principles class took this exam. See how you score:

1. How many goals are on a basketball court?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

2. How many players are allowed to play at one time on any one team in a regulation game?
a. 2
b. 3
c. 4
d. 5

3. In what league to (sic) the Georgia Bulldogs compete?
a. ACC
b. Big Ten
c. SEC
d. Pac 10

4. What is the name of the coliseum where the Georgia Bulldogs play?
a. Cameron Indoor Arena
b. Stegeman Coliseum
c. Carrier Dome
d. Pauley Pavilion

5. How many halves are in a college basketball game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

6. How many quarters are in a high school basketball game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

7. How many points does one field goal account for in a Basketball Game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

8. How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a Basketball Game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

9. How many officials referee a college basketball game?
a. 2
b. 4
c. 6
d. 3

10. How many teams are in the NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship Tournament?
a. 48
b. 64
c. 65
d. 32

11. What is the name of the exam which all high school seniors in the State of Georgia must pass?
a. Eye Exam
b. How Do The Grits Taste Exam
c. Bug Control Exam
d. Georgia Exit Exam

12. What basic color are the uniforms the Georgia Bulldogs wear in home games?
a. White
b. Red
c. Black
d. Silver

13. What basic color are the uniforms the Georgia Bulldogs wear in away games?
a. Pink
b. Blue
c. Orange
d. Red

14. How many minutes are played in a college basketball contest?
a. 20
b. 40
c. 60
d. 90

15. How many minutes are played in a high school basketball game?
a. 15
b. 30
c. 32
d. 45

16. Diagram the 3-point line.

17. Diagram the half-court line.

18. How many fouls is a player allowed to have in one Basketball game before fouling out in that game?
a. 3
b. 5
c. 7
d. 0

19. If you go on to become a huge coaching success, to whom will you tribute (sic) the credit?
a. Mike Krzyzewski
b. Bobby Knight
c. John Wooden
d. Jim Harrick Jr.

20. In your opinion, who is the best Division I assistant coach in the country?
a. Ron Jursa (sic)
b. John Pelphrey
c. Jim Harrick Jr.
d. Steve Wojciechowski

Source: University of Georgia

It should be noted that every student in the class received an A anyway, including three who didn't take the final.

My parents wasted so much money.

Cross Hats be Damned!
In the NFL's 2003 season, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Jon Kitna was the only quarterback in the league to take every one of his team's offensive snaps, and in doing so led the team to an 8-8 record, only the second non-losing season for the team since 1990, and the first since 1996.

Kitna's numbers were good enough to earn him the Comeback Player of the Year Award, after coming back from a dismal 2-14 campaign that was worse than the record suggested.

That record, along with the firing of then-head coach Dick LeBeau, brought in Marvin Lewis to be the Bengals' head coach; Lewis's first move was to draft USC Quarterback Carson Palmer with the first pick of the 2003 NFL Draft in April. Palmer earned about 3 million last year to hold a clipboard. There is no word on how much the clipboard earned to hold papers, and the NFLPA (who I really did call) had no comment on the subject.

Today, however, marks a new era in the world of Evangelical Christian quarterbacks, as Lewis named Palmer the undisputed heavyweight king of the world and Bengals starting quarterback for the 2004 season, in an attempt to prevent the sort of infighting that lead to 2002's 2-14 showing.

Kitna's performance in the 8 games the Bengals won was good, great, and perhaps some of the best quarterbacking in the league, nevermind the fact that the guy has hands the size of your neighbor's two-year-old kid. His arm strength is also suspect (by suspect, I mean nonexistent. He couldn't break a pane of glass from three yards). But in those 8 wins, including a 24-12 shocker over the then-undefeated Chiefs, he was stellar.

In the Bengals' 8 losses, however, Kitna was abysmally bad, and the previously-mentioned neighbor brat could have played as poorly as Kitna did, without demanding the 2 million bucks that Kitna earned.

Kitna's a stand-up guy, but this year marks the first time since 1990 that the Bengals have a new starting quarterback that was drafted by the team and yet didn't start a game his rookie year. The others franchise QBs, who did both start their rookie years, were "worldbeaters" Akili Smith and David Klingler. Note the use of quotes to denote sardonic and barely-concealed disrespect.

He's also the first franchise QB in 15 years not coached by Ken Anderson, who was recently demoted from QB Coach to Receivers Coach by the Jacksonville Jaguars (note that Byron Leftwich did not get much better last year - part of that is due to coaching, and Jack Del Rio knows it).

I look forward to seeing what Palmer can do. Not many teams have the patience that the Bengals displayed last year in holding Palmer on the bench, even as their potential playoff season went flush. As a Bengals fan, my fingers are crossed.