Whatever happened to the good old days of Chinese take-out?
On a lark today, I decided that I would steal a soda from the Phonathon program and use it to enrich myself (or rather, keep from impoverishing myself). Sodas, you see, are the lifeblood of my...uhm...life...and therefore necessary for...my...life.

OK, this is already awkward. Let's skip a bit.

After liberating my soda, I noticed that the drawer I had to remove to do so was stocked full of fortune cookies from the nearby Chinese-type eatery, Hon's Wok. I've never met Hon, but I have had his food in the past, and it's actually pretty good. Never had the sesame chicken, but the General Tso's is top-shelf. On the fortune cookie front, however, Hon is losing the battle.

The idea of the "fortune cookie" is that there should be some sort of baked confection with a fortune inside (hence the name), that should help people to choose or control their destinies. Good fortunes should be acted upon, and bad fortunes should be avoided or delayed until the time is less bad.

I noticed a few years ago that fortune cookie companies, in a bid to separate themselves from their rivals, started putting lucky numbers in their cookies. Some even put little "learn Chinese!" words or phrases on the backs of the fortunes, nevermind that there are two very different dialects of the language. I learned to say, "I am sugar" in Mandarin from these fortunes. Woohoo.

Lately, though, and this is the subject of this post, there have been fewer fortunes to be had, and more - how do I say this? - crap. On a similar lark to the one that garnered me my Cherry Coke™®, I opened a cookie from Hon's Wok and got the following:
"Have a wonderful day."

What, is this a command? A suggestion? Is ink (see the post from 3.18.2004) so expensive that the makers of these fine confections can't even put "You will" at the front of this otherwise uninteresting statement? Apparently so. Here are the next six fortunes I got:

• God looks after you especially.


• You have a deep appreciation for the arts and music


• You have an iron will, which helps you succeed in everything.


• You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.


• You will have a long and healthy life.


• You soon will be involved in many gatherings and parties

Of these "fortunes," only two of them are even remotely fortune-like.

Frankly, I'm sick of this nonsense. If I'm paying $4.25 for freaking wonton soup, then I want decent fortunes, dammit! Is that too much to ask?

As a solution, I'm going to start my own fortune-cookie company. But none of this "Long and happy life" crap. Nosiree. I'm going to have real fortunes, which will actually lead to fortune (or maybe despair).

Here's my first run:

• This food will come back to haunt you.


• Your lucky number will be 7, as long as you do not play the lottery.


• Your toes will turn gangrenous next week.


• Your lover will leave you for a hermaphrodite.


• America will fall into a lake of fire, unless you buy another spring roll.


• Your life will be full of woe and misfortune.


• You will be convicted of a crime you didn't commit.


• Your long-lost twin will come back for you, and he's hungry.


• You will bring plague and desolation with you from the bathroom.

And on the back? How about "Learn Urdu?"