Art, in all its beauty
Sometimes, art transcends explanation.

Origami Boulder is one of those times.

The guy has paypal and everything, so it must be real. I'm thisclose to actually buying one for a friend, or maybe Mother's Day.

A Return to What Works
I remember the good old days of computer viruses, when they were simple little executables, kind of cute really, that would delete files or format hard drives or something equally innane. Nowadays, of course, viruses send off emails to people you don't even know, or haven't had contact with in years, asking them to join the hottest, newest webcam porn site out there (which will no longer be hot or new after two weeks or so).

And now here comes MyDoom.F, the newest variant of the increasingly poorly-named MyDoom trilogy, which propogates itself through email (after all, who uses discs any more?) and attempts to use infected computers to launch denial of service attacks on websites for both Microsoft and the Recording Industry Association of America.

But here's the kicker: in an obvious nod to past greats like the Michelangelo virus, MyDoom.F also deletes files. Random Microsoft Word files, and pictures and movies as well, but it deletes them all the same. It's nice to see a virus with a sense of nostalgia now and again. Kids these days don't remember the past, it seems.

Can the return of the infamous anti.exe be far behind?

The Unkindest Cut (of pepperoni) of All.
"Did you know Cecil Whitaker's is more than great pizza?"

I always thought that in order to advertise a product, you had to tell the truth about it. You know, like "Claritin may cause serious side effects, such as liver failure and spontaneous cranial combustion." So how come Cecil Whitaker's Pizza gets away with a lie as grand as that one?

In order to be "more than great pizza," you have to have, initially at least, great pizza. But no person in his or her right mind would ever confuse Cecil's crap on a cracker with "great," and very few people would even consider it "pizza." For starters, it's on this thin crust that makes saltines look genuinely fluffy. The sauce is spiced with something not of this earth, and not from a cool planet either. The cheese...

Alright, who thought of putting provolone cheese on a pizza? Last I heard, mozzarella was doing just fine as the leading cheese, and had no plans of stepping down. And here comes good ol' Cecil, tossing whatever he felt like on pizzas willy-nilly.

Thirdly, any pizza selling for $3.99 cannot possibly be considered "great." Great pizzas, I would think, would cost enough money to cover the cost of great ingredients. Cheaper pizzas...well, they aren't all that likely to be great, are they? For a corollary, look at pro baseball players. Sure, sometimes you overpay, but the best products can generally demand the best prices.

Anyway, I'm just thinking back to what may be the single best pizza-related comment ever: "It's all fun and games 'till somebody eats a piece."

On Nicknames
I've picked up a few nicknames over the years, I'm not ashamed to admit it. When I was in the Boy Scouts, some guys took to calling me "Little Weasel." That's really not the most flattering cognomen, I guess...but I'll take it as one anyway, and assume that it's because of my ability to get out of bad situations (that I usually get myself into in the first place. Silence, you in the peanut gallery).

When I came to college, I somehow picked up "Weasel Boy." I don't really want to talk about that. Although...I will admit that I'm curious as to how two completely separate groups of people decided that I bore striking resemblance to a cunning, albeit rat-like, creature.

Wait. No I'm not.

In two separate jobs, in two separate time zones, I became known as "Brain," rather than "Brian," the latter being the name printed upon my birth certificate. Apparently, dyslexia is more common than thinkle peep.

At the phonathon, a pair of wiseacres gave me the handle "B. Lew," to reflect on my obvious street cred. Yo, why you always gotta be hatin? Haters.

Despite the names which have come my way, I can hardly claim the best nickname in the history of the world - there are a lot of better ones. "Berney Bravado" and "Shotgun Berney" have been hung one one guy, and "Gizzer" on a former roommate (you know who you are, and you're welcome to leave angry comments for my posting them here). Those are good, too, but still not the best.

People who worked with George W. Bush on a senatorial campaign for a friend in Alabama in 1972 concocted a great nickname for our current President: "The Texas Souffle."

Apparently, Mr. Bush "looked good on the outside but was full of hot air." (Read the story here.)

So let's all sing along, eh?
Hail to the exceedingly fragile and mostly hollow baked food we have cho-sen for the na-tion!
Hail to the exceedingly fragile and mostly hollow baked food we sal-ute him one and aa-all!

End of the road for one more
For some reason, Dennis Kucinich remains in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination this year, ending speculation that he's really just a small figment of our collective imagination. I think if we all start saying, "I don't believe in Fairies," though, he might start screaming uncontrollably and burst into flames.

On another Democratic front, Howard Dean has officially terminated his campaign today, citing the fact that he's a loser. On Dean's behalf, I'd like all of my readers to take a deep breath and let loose a primal scream that, with any luck, will be picked up on CNN.

This is what a lack of sleep does to you...
On the heels of the A-Rod for Soriano deal (the Rangers got jobbed, by the way), I'm wondering if maybe George Steinbrenner isn't a little more of a baseball lover than we give him credit for.

Is it possible that he's trying to accomplish two things here?

1) Win another world series, which would make (I'm pretty sure) 27 in the history of the Fall Classic. I can't blame him here - he's got the wherewithal, and the itch.

2) Actually IMPROVE the game?

Now, number two takes some imagining, so I'm going to explain it.

Let me propose that, perhaps, George Steinbrenner is a little more altruistic than we give him credit for. Is there a possibility that what he's actually trying to do is force the other owners to spend more money on quality players, and therefore force an improvement in the quality of competition in MLB?

By buying a world series, George is basically telling the other owners, "yeah, you can talk the talk, but you biznitches ain't walkin' shiznit." Perhaps he's trying to goad them into admitting that what baseball needs even more than a salary cap is a salary FLOOR, and more revenue sharing - something that will hurt him in the short run, but that will force the other owners to invest in more expensive (and, theoretically, BETTER) players. A collection of better players, in theory and usually in practice, has more of a chance of winning it all than a rag-tag bunch of minimum-wage losers.

Could it be that Georgieporgie is trying to force some hands in the upper echelons of MLB?

I doubt it, but it's something to think about.

Poor quality = better value!
Today, for the third business day in a row, General Motors has announced a recall of a large number of vehicles for a safety problem. The much-beloved Corvette, the flagship of American sports cars, apparently has a problem causing the car to be able to move when the steering column is locked (which, presumably, ought to render the vehicle undrivable). More than 125,000 cars are going to have to be fixed for this problem, which is in addition to the two other recalls this week: faulty windshield-wiper mechanisms in 2002-03 sport utility vehicles, and ignition switches that catch fire in 5.8 MILLION other cars.

Now, GM cars are actually less faulty than the other American brands, according to a recent study. But, faulty or otherwise, this isn't why I brought this recall up.

Even after news of the recall was announced, GM stock was up 95 cents by 3:00 PM on the market. Over the past two days, it's up almost two dollars per share. GM is traditionally a blue-chip stock...not volatile, just slow and steady, pokey and mildly profitable. But why? Shouldn't the recall of 6.5 million cars and trucks in three freaking days cause a little bit of a hitch in the price?

I'm tempted to announce a recall of my own cells. I figure I've got a couple million bad ones, no doubt - perhaps I can increase my paycheck by releasing a statement and going into the doctor sometime in the second quarter of 2004.

Reason number 842 not to audit a guy with a gun
Police in the Dominican Republic are looking for a pitcher from the Milwaukee Brewers' staff who, it is believed, is the man who shot a Dominican Internal Revenue Service agent in the chest and leg. They don't have a motive, but I've got a few guesses...most of them, hard as it may be to believe, are based on the fact that the victim was an agent in the IRS.

I know, I know - that's a real stretch, isn't it? I mean, who would shoot a guy in the IRS?

There's an interesting blurb in the story on ESPN regarding the shooting, though...one that I found more enticing to write about than just "athlete commits crime." Read it for yourself:
"The left-hander broke into the major leagues last season with Milwaukee, going 0-3 with a 9.92 ERA."

Now, it may just be me, but I've never really thought of a guy going 0-fer with an ERA around 10 as being a player who's broken into the majors. That's really more of a "tried and failed" line than anything else. I mean, I think I could lose three decisions in the majors. Heck, anyone could.

(read the ESPN story here.)

Proof that American Civilization is Going to Poop
Well, it had to happen...really, the inevitability shouldn't have surprised anyone, least of all me. But somehow, I'm still shocked that anyone could possibly sink this low...

A woman in Knoxville, Tennessee, has filed a class-action lawsuit against CBS, Viacom, MTV, Janet Jackson, and Justin Timberlake, the first such lawsuit since Nipplegate's occurence. She contends that the "sexually explicit conduct" of the halftime show has caused her injury, outrage, embarrassment, yada yada yada.

People.

It's a nipple. Everybody has one. We don't all have those neat little shieldy thingies that Janet apparently carries around with her, but still...we've all got teats.

Terri Carlin needs to settle her ass down and get a life. And maybe get laid.

(see the complaint here.)

Last football game of the 2003 season
Since the Pro Bowl doesn't count, really.

I'm picking the Patriots over the Panthers by 10. I know that's a huge gap, but I can see it. The Panthers are not that good.

Just to Fill Column Space
Memento is a fucked-up motion picture. I don't think that Thomas Edison envisioned this piece of art when he created movable image projection.

That's not to say that I didn't like the film. It's quite good, and as Kirsten said, probably deserved at least a mention in the Academy Awards, but failed to garner attention (or something).

I recommend seeing the film, if you haven't already. However, make no mistake: Guy Pierce is not hot. Well, maybe he is. No. He's not.