The Unkindest Cut (of pepperoni) of All.
"Did you know Cecil Whitaker's is more than great pizza?"

I always thought that in order to advertise a product, you had to tell the truth about it. You know, like "Claritin may cause serious side effects, such as liver failure and spontaneous cranial combustion." So how come Cecil Whitaker's Pizza gets away with a lie as grand as that one?

In order to be "more than great pizza," you have to have, initially at least, great pizza. But no person in his or her right mind would ever confuse Cecil's crap on a cracker with "great," and very few people would even consider it "pizza." For starters, it's on this thin crust that makes saltines look genuinely fluffy. The sauce is spiced with something not of this earth, and not from a cool planet either. The cheese...

Alright, who thought of putting provolone cheese on a pizza? Last I heard, mozzarella was doing just fine as the leading cheese, and had no plans of stepping down. And here comes good ol' Cecil, tossing whatever he felt like on pizzas willy-nilly.

Thirdly, any pizza selling for $3.99 cannot possibly be considered "great." Great pizzas, I would think, would cost enough money to cover the cost of great ingredients. Cheaper pizzas...well, they aren't all that likely to be great, are they? For a corollary, look at pro baseball players. Sure, sometimes you overpay, but the best products can generally demand the best prices.

Anyway, I'm just thinking back to what may be the single best pizza-related comment ever: "It's all fun and games 'till somebody eats a piece."