This is where I gloat about my football picks.




Thank you, that is all. 13-1. I'm done competing with others for the season (not that they cared, since I had involved myself in the competition without asking anyone, "Can I play?"), but I'll continue to post picks every week because it takes up column space.

Three words: New Subway Ad.

I'll admit it, I was rolling on the floor after it. I'll look for it and post it if I can find it.

Here come my week four NFL picks. I realize they're a bit late, but at least kickoff hasn't happened yet, so they're still vald.

Last week I finished with a 7-7 record, which is just not good enough. I'll try to do better this week. But keep in mind that I had the following predictions dead on:
-"God wills Jon Kitna to thrown an drive-killing interception, but this one ISN'T returned for a TD" (happened on the Bengals' first drive)
-The final scores of the following teams: Rams (23), and Atlanta (10).

I'm giving up on scores this week, so it's just winner or loser. Here we go:

Arizona @ St. Louis: This shouldn't even be a contest, even if Mike Martz sucks. Rams

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh: I watched Steve McNair lose a game to Marshall in his final college season, during the Division I-AA playoffs. So I know McNair can be beaten.
I also know that that was then, and this is now. Titans

Jacksonville @ Houston: This is my upset of the week, even though it'll barely count as an upset. The Texans have a good defense, but something inside me keeps a'whisperin' in my ear that Mark Brunell won't play. Jaguars

Philadelphia @ Buffalo: Buffalo looked pretty bad this week, but Philly barely scraped by in a win against Bye Week. The following pick may have something to do with James Thrash being on my fantasy team: Eagles

New England @ Washington: Bill Belichick? Still a knob for cutting Lawyer Milloy rather than finding a better way to restucture his contract. Redskins

Cincinnati @ Cleveland: The fact that Cleveland won last week is more testament to Dennis Erickson's ineptitude as a professional-level coach than it is to Butch Davis's ability to call plays correctly, or Kelly Holcomb's toughness. The Browns are very, very bad, whereas the Bengals are only very bad. Bengals

San Francisco @ Minnesota: Chick McGee likes Gus Frerotte to do some damage, so I do too. Look out for a left-handed pass at some point in the game. Vikings

Kansas City @ Baltimore: I can't believe how wrong I was about the Ravens last week. "David Boston is a headache," I said, "But so is Kyle Boller." Luckily for me, the Chiefs have no headaches. Chefs

San Diego @ Oakland: Suspending David Boston won't solve the problem. Who else you got, Marty? Huh? Who else you got? Oh, that's right - Nobody. Raiders

Dallas @ New York Jets: Bill. Parcells. Cowboys

Atlanta @ Carolina: I could use this time to rip on Doug Johnson and the fact that he's really only good enough to play backup in the NFL, but then I'd have to rip on Jon Kitna of the Bengals and say the Kitna's far worse. Oops. The Panthers are a surprise, I think they stay that way. Panthers

Detroit @ Denver: Was Oakland really that bad, or was Plummer really that good? I don't know either. Olandis Gary goes buck wild, but it's still not enough. This one's gonna be close.Broncos

Indianapolis @ New Orleans: Is Jim Haslett as overrated as Mike Martz and Mike Holmgren? Colts

Green Bay @ Chicago: Bears are the worst team in football. Even Bank One can't save them. Packers

Further proof that politics really is a very funny business:

In the televised debate between recall election hopefuls on Wednesday night, Arianna Huffington and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into some pretty heated personal attacks - oddly enough, they had nothing to do with Arianna's obvious facelift (why did I just say that?). Here's an excerpt from a CNN.com news story:

When [Huffington] criticized GOP support for corporate tax loopholes, Schwarzenegger responded that he could "drive my Hummer" through the loopholes she used to pay negligible personal income tax during the last two years.

Huffington criticized the violent nature of Schwarzenegger's movies.
She retorted, "I was writing and researching a book, and I wasn't making $20 million violent movies."

At another point, when Schwarzenegger interrupted her, Huffington objected. "This is the way you treat women. We know that. But not now."

Allowed to rebut what Statham ruled was a personal attack, Schwarzenegger said, "I would just like to say that I just realized that I have a perfect part for you in 'Terminator 4.'" He also suggested that she might need "more decaf."

See, that's funny stuff. Any time one candidate says to another, "Arrianah, I think you need some moah decaf," in that great Austrian accent, politics take a backseat to what is obviously going to be the most entertaining political campaign since a guy named Peter Beter ran for West Virginia's Governorship.

Which reminds me: Why wasn't Gary Coleman in the debate? He may not be a leading candidate, but I'm sure he's pretty smart. I mean, there really is no such thing as a dumb actor - there are actors without an ounce of common sense, but to be a professional actor, you have to at least be smart enough to memorize a script. Hell, even George Bush couldn't do that - which may be why he's a politician.

Woo! New smiley!

heeheehee...it comes out his nose, too.

It's official - I am the worst fantasy football manager EVER.

That aside, you'd think I'd have read the injury reports and realized that Dennis Northcutt was out this week. But did I? Nooooo. Of course not. Why would I do that?

Feh. I'm a fool. A fool whose record is equaled by the Cincinnati Bengals.

Not to be outdone by Chris, I'm posting MY picks for wins in this week's NFL games. Keep in mind I'm still riding the high of the Marshall win over K-State (haha!), so this may or may not make any sense at all. Even worse, I'm going to attempt to predict the scores!

-Jets at Patriots: I had originally chosen the Patriots in this game, but with Colvin out, I don't think so. This is a huge game for the Jets, and even Vinny can't underthrow receivers three weeks in a row. Jets 17, Patriots 10

-Chiefs at Texans: How is this even a contest? I predict that Priest Holmes will be getting a well-deserved rest by the third quarter.Chiefs 38, Texans 21

-Buccaneers at Falcons: Doug Johnson is not Michael Vick. Buccaneers 20, Falcons 10

-Steelers at Bengals: Ony 1 of 8 ESPN personalities picked the Bengals to win this game. I might have agreed with the majority if I weren't a Bengals fan. But I am. As a side note, God wills Jon Kitna to thrown an drive-killing interception, but this one ISN'T returned for a TD. Bengals 27, Steelers 24.

-Vikings at Lions: Again, no contest. I don't care how good a coach Mooch is, this is a team that does not do well without James Stewart. Olandis Gary is good, but still...Vikes 35, Detroit 20

-Saints at Titans: Somebody should tell Aaron Brooks that it's not December yet, so he doesn't have to choke. But they won't. Combine that with the fact that Steve McNair is as iron a man as he can be, and the winner is clear. Titans 20, Saints 7

-Jaguars at Colts: I like Jack Del Rio. I really do. But I also know that he's probably going to start Mark Brunell again. Indianapolis 31, Jaguars 7.

-Rams at Seahawks: This one? A squeaker. Too coaches who are too headstrong for their own good, who have no idea how to draft, combined with two quarterbacks who were inserted into the starting lineup late last year, combined with two running backs who are both very, very good. But I like the Rams. Rams 23, Seahawks 20

-Giants at Redskins: Steve Spurrier? Still a dick. Giants 34, Redskins 14.

-Packers at Cardinals: Everyone's picking the Cardinals here, so it's not really an upset special. More of an upset 99¢ item. Hundreds of fans in Tempe will see this game! At the game!Cardinals 30, Packers 10

-Ravens at Chargers: David Boston is a headache. But so is Kyle Boller. And I get the feeling that Jamal Lewis is going to be in too much of a post-295 aether to get anything done at all. Chargers 28, Ravens 17

-Browns at 49ers: The only reason I care about this game is because Browns LB Andra Davis is on my fantasy team. So I hope the 49ers offense is on the field for, oh, 55 minutes or so. 49ers 55, Browns 10

-Bills at Dolphins: Sam Madison? Brock Marion? It doesn't matter who was the talker and who was the spitee. Dave Wannstedt loses his job at the end of this season, partly because the Bills take a 3-0 today. Bills 27, Dolphins 6

-Raiders at Broncos: I think Jake Plummer has proven to all of us that he can't play in any time zone. Why he's still in the NFL, I do not know.Raiders 35, Broncos 0.

I'm posting this video here to make fun of the Browns - because they really do suck:
When Jamal Calls

Enjoy.

Hmm. Ho. Hmmm.

So, I got really bored the other day, and decided to poke around and figure out what the Bengals would look like in new color schemes.

I know, I know, I'm a Bengals freak. I'm the same guy who drafted Kelley Washington for my fantasy team, hoping that he would beat out T.J. Houshmandzadeh for the third receiver slot, and take Housh's 40-odd catches for himself.

That...uhm...well...Houshmandzadeh is hurt, so Washington has been PLAYING - just not making catches. T.J.'s out this week too, but I opted not to start Washington. I'll just presume that because Washington's on my bench, this is the week he catches 21 passes and 5 touchdowns. I'll bet a dollar on this being a 10-fantasy-point week for Washington, JUST BECAUSE he's on my bench. First person to post a reply is my challenger.

Anyway, back to the original subject of this post - new Bengals uni schemes. I posted them on my dork Bengals userboard - here's the post. You don't have to read the whole thread, and I'm sure you'd prefer for yourself that you don't. But the thread, and the rest of the website, is there for your perusing.

As I point out, I had a hard time matching up the glaring orange that I came up with to the glaring orange that makes up the shoulder patches on the Bengals uniforms, but I think the idea is still strong.

Just as a side note, I'm now on day 78 of my free 90-day trial of Paintshop. I don't think I'll be redoing any more uniforms any time soon - I'm too cheap to pay for the unlocking code. Maybe I'll pirate photoshop?

Just to keep things flowing and interesting, check out the video on this page:

http://www.local6.com/news/2469188/detail.html

See, THAT'S funny stuff.

So I've been watching the NFL Monday Night Kickoff Special. On the surface, just reading the name, this seems like a good idea - hell, just about every other major athletic event (and the MLB season) starts with a great deal of fanfare and production. Well, maybe not the production part for baseball, but Bud Selig's too damned flustered to figure out his colostomy bag, let alone put together a light, sound, and sextravaganza.

It started well enough - Good Charlotte performed an overhyped hit, which is to be expected. I find "Just like you," or whatever the hell that song is called, catchy and otherwise perfect for a media production. Then came Britney, who of course drew my attention. She's hot, and I don't believe I have EVER seen a pair of shiny shorts as miniscule as hers. Close your eyes, think, and move on.

Now that you're done with that, the requisite Aerosmith songs, and Aretha Franklin singing the Star-Spangled Banner. Hey, great! We're ready for football, the show was pinned down to less than an hour, we had a bunch of old football stars from days gone by, and there weren't but a few minutes worth of commercials! Nice job, NFL!

So the Jets kicked off to the Redskins, and somebody shouted, "Let loose the hounds of marketing war!

In the first 6 minutes of game time, there were five commercial breaks that I counted. FIVE. Why were there five breaks? I don't know. I can't tell you. Maybe the NFL decided that they had to make back a portion of the reported 50 million dollars they spent on the pregame show, with marketing, union wages, and Aretha Franklin's donuts figured in. But did they have to have FIVE commercial breaks in the first 6 minutes of gameplay? How little did they charge the sponsors per commercial play? Or, more to the point, how MUCH did the sponsors have to pay to guarantee that their spots would be spun on national TV five times in the first six minutes?

I saw three Ford F-150 commercials. There were so many of them that no matter how sharp that truck looks, no matter how silent their new Silent Steel ™®© technology is, no matter how strong the welded sway bars are, no matter where the truck was manufactured (or how many different time zones, judging from the filmed sequences from New Mexico, West Virginia, Georgia, Utah, Colorado, New York, and about 7 other states that appeared in ONE spot), I do not want one. No, Bill Ford, you've been very kind, but you can keep your truck. It looks nice, yes. But I've seen it too much. It's like a song...you hear it, it's nice, it's catchy, great...but then you hear it again. And you hear it again. And you hear it again. And you - well, you get the idea.

Geez. The NFL and ABC had it right for the pregame show: legitimate substance, no Ford commercials, Britney Spears, and only a few interruptions in what was otherwise an entertaining, if vanilla, show (which was presented by Pepsi Vanilla). But the game...gah.

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