NFL Picks, Week 13, and other Miscellany

So, it's supposed to rain, then freeze, then snow here in St. Louis the next few days. Good times, right? Not so much: I don't have ice melt that I feel comfortable using. Oh, I have ice melt alright, one of those huge jugs that says "SUPER HOT MELT."

Problem is, I have neighbors on either side with dogs. And while I'm not really a big fan of the two chow/shepherd mixes to our east, I'd still feel pretty bummed if any of the melt got into their systems and made them ill or worse. Now, Target sells ice melt that is in theory pet safe (you know it must be because it says "PET SAFE!" on the jug), but they were out when I went last night. That huge storm caught Kirsten and I by surprise, so we had to fight with the other last-minute shovel buyers in St. Louis last night when we went.

So now I have a crappy shovel that I don't trust, ice melt that I can't in good conscience use according to the directions ("POUR ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE!!!") and a snowstorm sent by God Himself with the sole goal of destroying Saint Louis bearing down on us like white fluffy death.

And, worst of all, the Ravens versus Bengals game is tonight and I don't get it because Charter doesn't carry NFL Network.

On to the picks:
Ravens at Bengals: The Ravens clinch the AFC North with a win here. The Bengals clinch a seat in the "Luckiest Bastards Ever" Hall of Fame if they win. BAL
Cardinals at Rams: Just what the Rams need to continue their journey back to .500 ball. STL
Lions at Patriots: Like watching sausage being made. Side note: some early mock drafts are out, and they have the Lions "earning" the first pick in the draft and taking Brady Quinn. After watching the Lions play the Dolphins, I think QB is really the least of their problems. NE
Chargers at Bills: The Chargers are favored, but the weather is bearing down on Buffalo this weekend and I don't think the Bolts do well in heavy snow. BUF
49ers at Saints: It's easy to overlook the 49ers - the Rams almost did last week. But they're a solid team and will be a playoff contender next year (almost were this year, actually). But they're just not quite good enough to beat the Saints. NOR
Vikings at Bears: Rex Grossman has been pretty bad lately, and I think it may be because he's trying too hard to match his heady early-season numbers. Somebody needs to sit him down and tell him to calm down. CHI anyway.
Chiefs at Browns: Word out of Kansas City is that Priest Holmes has officially been shelved for the remainder of the season. Everybody knew that. Word out of Cleveland is that Braylon Edwards is a tool. Everybody knew that, too. KC
Falcons at Redskins: Sports pundits keep harping on this, so I might as well join the bandwagon: Michael Vick finished 9/24 for 84 yards last week, but his receivers had 5 drops. Put those back into the stats, and he's 14/24 for closer to 200 yards, and oh by the way the Falcons would have won the game. Michael Vick is not a coach killer, but the receiving corps in Atlanta is a Vick killer. WAS
Jets at Packers: Enh. I'll go with the Pack, just for the heck of it. GB
Colts at Titans: Could it be that the Titans are riding so high after their win over the Giants last week that they play above themselves this week? Sure, why not? TEN Upset Special, bay-bee!
Texans at Raiders: Like sausage being digested. HOU
Jaguars at Dolphins: The Dolphins have been given an extra three days to rest, which meant Joey Harrington had three extra days to act like a frat boy in South Beach. Which, by the way, I'm sure he did. MIA
Cowboys at Giants: Memo to Tom Coughlin: Find a new quarterbacks coach. Like, now. DAL
Buccaneers at Steelers: A bad offensive team going up against a dumb offensive team. Do the Steelers really miss Jerome Bettis this much? This game is decided only by the weather. PIT
Seahawks at Broncos: The Jay Cutler era has begun. So, coincidentally, has a five-game losing streak for the Broncos. SEA
Panthers at Eagles: Pity poor Jeff Garcia. CAR

Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't have to remind any of you that Thanksgiving is about more than turkey and gravy - it's about the people we love, the things we have that others aren't lucky enough to ever imagine, and the way we can go about our lives in ways that other people can only dream of.

I'm thankful for all of my friends, for those I know, and even those I've lost touch with; time with them was something I'd never trade away. I'm thankful for my home, for Kirsten, for family. I'm thankful for a job that I'm glad I have, even when I carp about it. And I'm thankful for football, even though I can't watch any of the NFL Network games because Charter doesn't carry them.

NFL Picks, week 12:
Dolphins at Lions: The Lions looked pretty weak last Sunday; it's hard to say what the reason really was. But QB Jon Kitna has a habit of forcing things when he feels the team is on his shoulders. If he can stay calm and collected and know the guys around him will pick it up, he won't blow it. If he feels that the guys around him can't be depended on (which they can't), he'll choke. MIA
Buccaneers at Cowboys: On the flipside, the Cowboys looked pretty freakin' good last week. DAL
Broncos at Chiefs: Kansas City is hosting a Thanksgiving game for the first time since the AFL/NFL merger. They won't win, so you could say it'll have been 39 years since they won a Thanksgiving game. DEN
Steelers at Ravens: Memo to the Steelers: Beating the Browns is no great feat. Lots of people do it - close to 60% since the team was reinstated. Beating the current AFC North leaders? A little harder, methinks. BAL
Bengals at Browns: Memo to Bengals: What you did against the Saints last week? Do that again. And don't lose any more games, else you're out of the Wild Card hunt. CIN
49ers at Rams: Most people haven't been noticing this, but the 49ers are amassing off their best record since Mooch left. It's still 5-5, one game up on the Rams. I say the Niners climb above .500 this week. SFO
Cardinals at Vikings: The fact that the Cards won last week is astounding. I can't contemplate that happening again. MIN
Texans at Jets: Chad Pennington has struggled this season. I'm not sure how much of that is due to the running game of the Jets being pretty bad this season, and thus putting pressure on a guy who's really more of a leader than a thrower. But either way, they're playing the Texans, so thank goodness for that. NYJ
Saints at Falcons: Aaron Brooks is not the Saints QB anymore. This is not a guaranteed win by any means - but I get the feeling that the Falcons may just play like it is. NOR
Panthers at Redskins: Jason Campbell is better than Chad Pennington, not that that has anything to do with anything. I just thought I'd bring it up, since it'll probably be the 'Skins lone bright spot this week. CAR
Jaguars at Bills: This is a tough call, really a toss-up. But because of weather concerns, I'm leaning towards Buffalo, because of the Jags' weak road performance this season - they're like the 2003 Chiefs. BUF
Raiders at Chargers: Boy, I bet the Falcons wish they could play the Raiders this week. SDG
Giants at Titans: Tough call. Tiki Barber is right, the Giants did get away from the running game last week, and it's especially hurtful considering how much Eli Manning has regressed since the start of the season (just like last year, oddly enough). I'm casting a home-team-wins vote for this one. TEN
Bears at Patriots: Not because of offense, but because of defense: The Patriots will eat Rex Grossman for breakfast. NE
Eagles at Colts: Jeff Garcia, I bet you wish you were back in San Francisco, where the worst you had to put up with was T.O. calling you gay. IND
Packers at Seahawks: Matty H may or may not play this week, but it's not that big a deal. The Packers just don't have the weapons that, say, the 49ers (who beat the 'hawks last week) do. SEA

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

No Time, Parents in Town

Parents are coming to town for Thanksgiving. Must clean. Picks will be team name only. Longer sentences next week.

Rams at Panthers: CAR
Patriots at Packers: NE
Falcons at Ravens: BAL
Raiders at Chiefs: KC
Bills at Texans: HOU
Vikings at Dolphins: MIA
Bengals at Saints: NO in a laugher.
Bears at Jets: CHI
Titans at Eagles: PHI
Steelers at Browns: CLE
Redskins at Buccaneers: WAS
Lions at Cardinals: DET
Seahawks at 49ers: SEA
Colts at Cowboys: IND
Chargers at Broncos: SD
Giants at Jaguars: JAX

Side note: Chris credited me with 8 correct picks last week, I count 9. If you're reading his blog and notice a discrepancy between our aggregate pick scores, that's why.

Caught up in the Crowd

With everyone blabbering about Michigan at Ohio State this weekend, I thought I'd add some spice to another traditional rivalry that defines coaches: USC/Notre Dame.

Now, it's not a conference rivalry, because Notre Dame is an independent. They have no conference ties, and they can play whoever they want. And each year, they play USC (And Stanford, Navy, and Army, but none of them are any good).

And each year a lot is made about strength of schedule. "Oh, USC has the edge because they played so-and-such," versus, "Oh, Notre Dame doesn't have to play those Pac-10 patsies Arizona," ad infinitum. It's quite annoying.

The game itself is still two weekends away, but I thought I'd add a little spice to the relationship:
Frankly, I think ND has traditionally one of the harder schedules in the NCAA year-in and year-out. Whether those teams end up being any good is another story.

But their schedule is a lot easier than, say, USC.

Here's USC's schedule:
at Arkansas
Nebraska
at Arizona
at WSU
Washington
ASU
at Oregon State
at Stanford
Oregon
Cal
ND
at UCLA

Four of those teams are/were ranked at the time of the game (including Nebraska).

Here's ND's schedule:
at GaTech
Penn State
Michigan
at Michigan State
Purdue
Stanford
UCLA
at Navy
NorCar
at Air Force
Army
at USC

Two ranked opponents: Penn State and Michigan. The rest are middling-to-bad.

USC plays 6 away games, all of which are against teams that are .500 or better. USC's opponents are 74-49, or .602

Notre Dame plays FIVE away games, only two of which are against opponents playing halfsy football. UND's opponents are a combined 66-56 right now, or .541

USC has a harder schedule - the numbers don't lie. In fact, given opponents' records, you could argue that WVU has a harder schedule than Notre Dame (WVU's opponents are a combined 66-53, .554).

Take THAT, Golden Domers!*

*In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that I'm still bitter Notre Dame beat West Virginia in the national title game following the 1988 season, on January 1, 1989. I take no small pride in knowing that that was UND's last national title

We are the Wyld Stallyons!

Aussies Invent Playable Air Guitar Shirt

Freakin' sweet.

If it Ain't One Thing, it's Another

So, at work I've been asked to make more and more calls for traveling staff (for those who aren't familiar with my line of work, I arrange meetings between co-workers and donation prospects in St. Louis and elsewhere for Washington University). Anyway, these people are traveling more and more, and I have to accomodate them.

Now the people who make local-only calls want me to call more for them, too, and their feelings get hurt when I say, "I'm sorry, I can't."

So I had traveling staff complaining to my boss last year, but they're traveling more this year and seem to be quite happy with me. Meanwhile, the staff who doesn't travel was quite happy with me last year, and now is complaining to my boss.

Well, whatever. I'm paid the same regardless of what group of people is pissed at me.

On to the picks for this week's NFL games...
Browns at Falcons: Don't think the Falcons can bounce back from a beating at the hands of the Lions? Think again. ATL
Redskins at Eagles: It took a stroke of luck for the 'skins to beat the Cowboys last week. The Eagles, meanwhile, are coming off of a bye week that gave them the chance to refocus after a loss two weeks ago. PHI
Chargers at Bengals: The Chargers are without steroid maven Shawn Merriman, whereas the Bengals are without their entire offensive line. SDG
Lions at 49ers: It's like a towing contest between a Toyota Corolla and a Ford Escort: Nobody cares, and someone is likely to lose an axle. DET, I guess.
Ravens at Titans: Vince Young just can't catch a break. First, he gets drafted by Tennessee... BAL
Bills at Colts: The Bills think they're all big and bad because they just beat the Packers in Buffalo. The Colts know they're all big and bad because they just beat the Patriots in Foxboro. There's a difference. IND
Texans at Jaguars: The Jags are doing everything they can to avoid a season sweep by the Texans. The most important thing they can do is dress enough warm bodies, and everything else will take care of itself. JAX
Chiefs at Dolphins: Damon Huard is better than Trent Green. There, I said it. KC
Packers at Vikings: The Vikings have been bad lately, so I was about to pick the green and gold. Then I realized that they're playing in a dome, Favre's personal anathema. MIN
Jets at Patriots: Do you remember how whenever you lost at something (like chess), you'd take out your rage on something smaller than you (like your baby sister)? This is like that, only in front of 65,000 people. And with better pay. NE
Broncos at Raiders: It's still a heated rivalry, but the Broncos are still better. DEN
Cowboys at Cardinals: I had high hopes for Dennis Green as head coach, I have to admit. I wonder what will happen this offseason with the Cardinals - will Green quit, and lose his buyout clause? Or will he try to come back for a fourth season, and force the incredibly thrifty Bidwell family to fire him and pay his full salary for the year just to be rid of him? DAL
Saints at Steelers: How are the Steelers favored in this game? Are the Super Bowl refs lined up for this game? NO
Rams at Seahawks: It's good that not much was expected of the Rams this season, because they're about to collapse: they play the Seahawks this week and the Panthers next week. SEA
Bears at Giants: Take what I said about the New England team, and put it here. Same thing. CHI
Buccaneers at Panthers: Poor Bruce Gradkowski. All he wanted to do was play football, and then like Vince Young with the Titans, he had the misfortune of ending up with the Bucs. CAR

And, as a happy note, the bye weeks are over!

I Seem to Have Lost my Testicles

I'm laughing at The Family Stone.

Peanut Butter Jelly Gwar

Everyone loves the dancing banana, apparently. I mean, it's a fruit, and it dances! What could be better?

The history of the dancing banana, for those who don't know, involves a song by the Buckwheat Boys, and a flash animation that someone with too much time and acid on their hands put to the song, creating a dancing banana that has stuck with the internet (and Family Guy) for the last 6 years.

And, of course, some people wanted to put it to music. Like the folks who put up the video below:


I like it. It's as if Spinal Tap were still around. And, you know, real.

Anyway, on to the picks for this week's NFL matchups for week 9. One could guestimate that the season will be half over midway during the games this week (roundabout 4:15 PM eastern time), but due to byes, that's not entirely true. Not counting the post-season, There are 17 weeks and 256 games in the NFL season (16 games plus one bye for each team), and the space between games 128 and 129 marks the halfway point of the NFL season. That point, my pretties, is actually between this week and next week. So Wednesday at 12 noon Eastern Time marks the actual halfway point of the NFL season. And I have to get about, oh, a half-season's worth of drinking in. I hope that doesn't interfere with my desires to vote on Tuesday. You know, like getting so drunk I accidentally vote for Pat Buchanan.

Texans at Giants: The Texans look better this year than any of their previous four seasons, I'll admit that. But then, Courtney Love has cleaned up nice lately too, but we don't seem to be all knocking on her door. NYG
Saints at Buccaneers: The Bucs are still bad, the Saints are still playing pretty good football, as long as Reggie Bush doesn't try to pass. NO
Packers at Bills: Two teams with similar records (3-4 for the pack, 2-5 for the Bills) playing at the Bills' home turf. Normally, this would be a tough call and I'd go with the Bills just because the Pack are so sinusoidal in their play, but Buffalo actually has the worst scoring offense in the league. I just can't pick a team like that to win very often. GB
Cowboys at Redskins: Yes, I'm on the Tony Romo bandwagon. What's it to you? DAL
Bears at Dolphins: Best-case scenario: Joey Harrington ends this game curled in a ball sucking his thumb. And that's from the Dolphins' point of view. CHI
Titans at Jaguars: David Garrard will make his second-straight start because Byron Leftwich isn't as good as I thought he was. But the Titans are just as bad this year as in the previous three. JAX
Falcons at Lions: The Falcons will still be riding high on their win over Cincinnati next week. The Lions, on the flipside, aren't showing a lot of improvement from week to week. ATL
Bengals at Ravens: The Cincinnati season continues to slide into obscurity. And by "obscurity," I mean "the septic tank." BAL
Chiefs at Rams: The Ram defense has become a liability the last two weeks, and it won't be fixed by this week. Damon Huard looks good as the starter for the Chiefs, and they'll win a crucial road game here. KC
Vikings at 49ers: The Vikings looked overmatched against the Patriots. Some of that can be attributed to Bill Belicheck and his coaching staff really knowing how to guide the Pats past an inferior foe, but some of it can be tied to a rookie head coach who's still learning the difference between his ass and his elbow, figuratively speaking. The 49ers are still learning how to spell "ass." MIN
Broncos at Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger is obviously not seeing things as well this year as in years past. Maybe chewing on a Chrysler's hood ornament had something to do with that. The Broncos defense will eat him alive. DEN
Browns at Chargers: The Browns won last week because NFL officiating the last three weeks has been a joke. Chargers have this one in hand by the end of the second quarter. SDG
Colts at Patriots: This is a tough game to call, but my coin flip told me the Pats would win. Yes, I flipped a coin. Yes, I've sunk that low. Yes, I'm at home on a Saturday night posting on my blog. Just keep reading. NE
Raiders at Seahawks: The Raiders registered 98 yards in total offense last week, in one whole game. They can't keep winning like that, even if they are on a two-game winning streak. SEA

Kirsten's Saint Louis Observation of the Day

"Is that Joe Edwards? You'd think he'd dress better. Did you see what he was wearing? Faded jeans and some white Chucks? I know he's got a lot of money, and owns all these buildings, and some really nice cars, but he needs some serious style help."

Well, at least she recognizes that the '51 Buick is a beautiful creature.