NFL Picks, Week 13, and other Miscellany

So, it's supposed to rain, then freeze, then snow here in St. Louis the next few days. Good times, right? Not so much: I don't have ice melt that I feel comfortable using. Oh, I have ice melt alright, one of those huge jugs that says "SUPER HOT MELT."

Problem is, I have neighbors on either side with dogs. And while I'm not really a big fan of the two chow/shepherd mixes to our east, I'd still feel pretty bummed if any of the melt got into their systems and made them ill or worse. Now, Target sells ice melt that is in theory pet safe (you know it must be because it says "PET SAFE!" on the jug), but they were out when I went last night. That huge storm caught Kirsten and I by surprise, so we had to fight with the other last-minute shovel buyers in St. Louis last night when we went.

So now I have a crappy shovel that I don't trust, ice melt that I can't in good conscience use according to the directions ("POUR ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE!!!") and a snowstorm sent by God Himself with the sole goal of destroying Saint Louis bearing down on us like white fluffy death.

And, worst of all, the Ravens versus Bengals game is tonight and I don't get it because Charter doesn't carry NFL Network.

On to the picks:
Ravens at Bengals: The Ravens clinch the AFC North with a win here. The Bengals clinch a seat in the "Luckiest Bastards Ever" Hall of Fame if they win. BAL
Cardinals at Rams: Just what the Rams need to continue their journey back to .500 ball. STL
Lions at Patriots: Like watching sausage being made. Side note: some early mock drafts are out, and they have the Lions "earning" the first pick in the draft and taking Brady Quinn. After watching the Lions play the Dolphins, I think QB is really the least of their problems. NE
Chargers at Bills: The Chargers are favored, but the weather is bearing down on Buffalo this weekend and I don't think the Bolts do well in heavy snow. BUF
49ers at Saints: It's easy to overlook the 49ers - the Rams almost did last week. But they're a solid team and will be a playoff contender next year (almost were this year, actually). But they're just not quite good enough to beat the Saints. NOR
Vikings at Bears: Rex Grossman has been pretty bad lately, and I think it may be because he's trying too hard to match his heady early-season numbers. Somebody needs to sit him down and tell him to calm down. CHI anyway.
Chiefs at Browns: Word out of Kansas City is that Priest Holmes has officially been shelved for the remainder of the season. Everybody knew that. Word out of Cleveland is that Braylon Edwards is a tool. Everybody knew that, too. KC
Falcons at Redskins: Sports pundits keep harping on this, so I might as well join the bandwagon: Michael Vick finished 9/24 for 84 yards last week, but his receivers had 5 drops. Put those back into the stats, and he's 14/24 for closer to 200 yards, and oh by the way the Falcons would have won the game. Michael Vick is not a coach killer, but the receiving corps in Atlanta is a Vick killer. WAS
Jets at Packers: Enh. I'll go with the Pack, just for the heck of it. GB
Colts at Titans: Could it be that the Titans are riding so high after their win over the Giants last week that they play above themselves this week? Sure, why not? TEN Upset Special, bay-bee!
Texans at Raiders: Like sausage being digested. HOU
Jaguars at Dolphins: The Dolphins have been given an extra three days to rest, which meant Joey Harrington had three extra days to act like a frat boy in South Beach. Which, by the way, I'm sure he did. MIA
Cowboys at Giants: Memo to Tom Coughlin: Find a new quarterbacks coach. Like, now. DAL
Buccaneers at Steelers: A bad offensive team going up against a dumb offensive team. Do the Steelers really miss Jerome Bettis this much? This game is decided only by the weather. PIT
Seahawks at Broncos: The Jay Cutler era has begun. So, coincidentally, has a five-game losing streak for the Broncos. SEA
Panthers at Eagles: Pity poor Jeff Garcia. CAR