I Haven't Got the Hair

So, I'm no Mel Kiper, but then again I don't think I mind. After all, the Senate isn't debating plans do drill for oil on my head. So that's nice.

I also have never done a mock draft, but I figured now is the time. After all, is there a better way to spend my lunch break? No? Didn't think so.

Below are my suggested picks for the first round of the NFL draft, with the "reasons" and "logic" behind each*.

*I make no promises that these picks are reasonable or logical
1. Houston Texans: Reggie Bush, Running Back, USC. Here's why: Best player available, even though they have a good back in Davis.
2. New Orleans Saints: A.J. Hawk, Linebacker, Ohio State. The Saints shored up their offense a bit with Drew Brees, but their defense was atrocious (28th overall, 27th against the run).
3. Tennessee Titans: Matt Leinart, Quarterback, USC. Familiar with Chow's offense, and he could step in if the team can't (won't?) work something out with Steve McNair.
4. New York Jets: D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Tackle, University of Virginia. Lost in the whole Pennington fiasco has been that the Jets gave up the third-most sacks of any team in the NFL last year. This is a step towards fixing that.
5. Green Bay Packers: Haloti Ngata, Defensive Tackle, Oregon. The Packers were slightly better than the Saints against the run last year. Slightly. And the draft works out that they can't draft for need because none of their need positions have good enough players.
6. San Francisco 49ers: Mario Williams, Defensive End, NC State. This team is so bad that every pick really does help. Except, oddly enough, running back.
7. Oakland Raiders: Vernon Davis, Tight End, Maryland. The Raiders need to do everything they can to take the pressure off of Brooks and Moss.
8. Buffalo Bills: Marcedes Lewis, Tight End, UCLA. Tight end is a huge weak spot on this team, even more so than quarterback. And a young tight end could be good for a young quarterback, believe it or not.
9. Detroit Lions: Brodrick Bunkley, Defensive Tackle, Florida State. FSU isn't as good at producing tackles as Miami (Reinard Wilson vs Warren Sapp), but he's a good player. I want to see Millen take Santonio Holmes, though.
10. Arizona Cardinals: Vince Young, Quarterback, Texas. Two words: ticket sales.
11. St. Louis Rams: Antonio Cromartie, Cornerback, Florida State. The Rams pass defense was poor last year, and he'd be a good step in the right direction.
12. Cleveland Browns: Jay Cutler, Quarterback, Vanderbilt. Charlie Frye? Seriously?
13. Baltimore Ravens: Brodie Croyle, Quarterback, Alabama. With Wright gone, their quarterbacks are Kyle Boller and some dude. Billick can't afford to pass this up.
14. Philadelphia Eagles: Chad Jackson, Wide Receiver, Florida. He's fast, and big, two factors that the Eagles definitely missed without TO (though they didn't miss much else about him).
15. Denver Broncos: Nick Mangold, Center, Ohio State. Don't look now, but their other center is 36 years old.
16. Miami Dolphins: Michael Huff, Safety, Texas. Again, a need pick. Look at the rest of their defensive backfield.
17. Minnesota Vikings: Chad Greenway, Linebacker, Iowa. The Vikings actually have a pretty strong roster, so this is a BPA pick.
18. Dallas Cowboys: DeMeco Ryans, Linebacker, Alabama. Their biggest position of need is fullback. BPA pick.
19. San Diego Chargers: Davin Joseph, Guard, Oklahoma. This is a "stretch" pick, I realize that, but the Chargers don't have any offensive linemen on the roster.
20. Kansas City Chiefs: Ashton Youboty, Cornerback, Ohio State. The Chiefs have a pretty well-stocked roster, and this is a position where the player could contribute but doesn't have to.
21. New England Patriots: Laurence Maroney, Running Back, Wisconsin. He's the same kind of player as Corey Dillon, and would be a good plug-in if they need him to be.
22. San Francisco 49ers: Matthias Kiwanuka, Defensive End, Boston College. Two chances to improve the team? Score! They play a 3-4 but only have three DEs on the roster.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Winston Justice, Offensive Tackle, USC. This team is desperately lacking in the offensive line department, in case you hadn't noticed.
24. Cincinnati Bengals: Donte Whitener, Safety, Ohio State. He's a better coverage player than Jason Allen, and has better technique.
25. New York Giants: John McCargo, Defensive Tackle, North Carolina State. I think this may be a mistake based on who he played between, but the Giants could do with some defensive line help and don't have any real positions of need.
26. Chicago Bears: Leonard Pope, Tight End, Georgia. The Bears' defense could put up 10 cardboard cutouts and my Aunt Millie - Lovie Smith would still field a top 10 club. But offensively, they need as much help as possible to take the load off of Grossman.
27. Carolina Panthers: Joseph Addai, Running Back, Louisiana State. All of a sudden they have three very fragile players at running back.
28. Jacksonville Jaguars: Ernie Sims, Linebacker, Florida State. Need pick.
29. New York Jets: DeAngelo Williams, Running Back, Memphis. A plug-in pick to fill the holes left by the fact that their roster sucks.
30. Indianapolis Colts: Manny Lawson, Defensive End, NC State. They've lost James, and all of a sudden they look very, very weak.
31. Seattle Seahawks: Jimmy Williams, Cornerback, Virginia Tech. I'm not sure if Holmgren can clean him up, but this team doesn't need a whole lot of pieces.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers: Sinorice Moss, Wide Receiver, Miami of Florida. They're going to miss Randle-el a lot more than they thought.

Are You Too Stupid to Own a Bicycle?

Sunday, April 16
2:13 p.m. LARCENY, THEFT, STEALING UNDER $500 - LIGGETT DORM - Victim reported the theft of his leased bike. The complainant reports locking the bicycle to itself with a U-bolt lock. Bike was not secured to a bike rack. Time of occurrence: April 15 from 10:45 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. Disposition: Pending.

Taken from the Student Life Police Beat. Bold mine.

If you locked a bicycle to itself and figured nobody would take it, then the answer to that question is probably yes.

Caution: May Contain Sultry Saxophones

Next time on "The L-Word."

Well, This is Topical

The cost of a gallon of gas has risen to $2.75 here in St. Louis, last I heard, and is almost three dollars per gallon in Charleston, West Virginia, from whence I came.

So I figured as part of my public service commitment to you that I would provide a few links about gas price information.

There's a government office called the Energy Information Administration, and they're kind enough to track the price of gas in cities and states all over the US. Here's a link for up-to-date information:
Click here.

And, if you're looking to buy gas anytime soon, click here:
Gas Price Watch. You can search by address or ZIP code, and sort by when the prices were reported.

By the way, the cheapest gas in the US is in Indiana. Goooooooo HOOSIERS!

Andrew Lloyd Webber, I Ain't

Quotes from a musical that should have been made in Japan, but never was:

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOkohama, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...."

"Seventy-six Shoguns led the big parade, with 110 Ronin close at hand..."

Results May Vary, Consult a Fraternity

It's interesting, but for guys in high school one of the things that you think about a lot - and I mean all the time - is sex. Having it, in particular.

Some guys are blessed (cursed?) with pretty classmates whom one can ogle on a daily basis. Some have pretty neighbors. Some have pretty teachers, though having sex with them is a no-no - not for the guy, but for the teacher. For the guy, it could be something worth bragging about. It can also destroy a kid's psyche, too, and it brings up the "what age is the right age to start really being sexually active" questions that I'm probably not qualified to answer.

Here's the thing.

Some guys have, as it were, all the luck, and end up canoodling with the attractive kind of teacher.

Women like Debra LaFave, who are both educators and, apparently, motorcycle accessories.

Other guys...well, they aim low. Let's put it that way.

Look, I'm sure that Rachel Holt, outside of being a total horndog and having a misplaced sense of right and wrong, is a wonderful person.

But a bit of advice to any high-schoolers who may stumble across this blog:
Do not sleep with your teachers. She'll get fired and you'll be outed. And if she's hot, that means that you and all the generations of students who come after you won't be able to look at her anymore, and instead you'll have to settle for drooling over cheerleaders.

If she's ugly, you'll be forever known as "that junior who boinked the wookie."

It's a lose-lose proposition, man. Just steal your Dad's Playboy.