I Told My Wife She Looked Fat

As I write this, Lorelei is engaging in one of her weird eating habits - she has decided that she doesn't like frozen green beans unless they're still frozen. She's nomming on some frozen french-cut green beans. Frozen. Eating. So weird.

An actual conversation from the other day:
Kirsten: "I look so bad - look at this pooch!"
Brian: "It's not really a pooch. You just look fat."
Kirsten: "..."
Brian: "Well, really, I mean it's more like you look lumpy."
Kirsten: "???"
Brian: "Maybe a little misshapen."
Kirsten: "!!!"

Long story short, Kirsten's pregnant; she's due in March. I blame the weeklong road trip Kirsten took in late May and early June. Apparently, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. Or it could be that we were thinking in our own economic self-interest: we'll save 200 bucks a month or so in federal taxes, to say nothing of the state tax benefits. Kids are profitable! More profitable even than being a Wall Street firm. I wonder if Bank of America has considered adopting children (who meet the requirements for exemption) to help reduce their tax burden? They should.

Anyway, this is obviously great news. Worth noting, though, that when things go wrong, this is still all my fault. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's a Time Warp!

The Pittsburgh Pirates are now in first place on July 19th, about 5 days after the All Star Break. The last time that happened was 1992. For the sake of tickling your noodle, the last time the Pirates led their division this late in the season they were in the NL East - because there there was no Central Division in either league.

Since the last time the Pirates led their division this late:
-The Milwaukee Brewers have moved from the American League to the National League.
-Bud Selig was named Acting Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
-Bud Selig was named Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
-Interleague play was created.
-The National League and American League both got Central Divisions.
-The Wild Card was invented for baseball. Bob Costas still hates it.
-Cal Ripken, Jr. broke Lou Gerhig's consecutive games record.
-Mark McGwire broke Roger Maris's single-season record.
-Mark McGwire got divorced, retired from baseball, disappeared, testified before Congress, decided he didn't want to talk about the past, got remarried, admitted to using steroids, and returned to baseball as a coach.
-Nobody hated Bud Selig.
-The Washington Nationals moved from Montreal.
-Toronto Skydome was renamed Rogers Centre.
-Barry Bonds went from the Pirates' speedy triples hitter with a noodle arm to the best-paid free agent in baseball history ($7M a season in 1993) with the San Francisco Giants.
-Barry Bonds went from a speedy triples hitter to a home run megahitter to break Mark McGwire's single-season home run record and Hank Aaron's career home run record, then became associated with Victor Conte and BALCO, and retired in disgrace.
-People learned who Victor Conte and BALCO were.
-Major League baseball expanded to 30 teams by adding the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the Florida Marlins, the Arizona Diamondbacks, and the Colorado Rockies.
-All four new teams have won the pennant.
-The Marlins and Diamondbacks have won the World Series.
-The Tampa Bay Devil Rays changed their name to the Tampa Bay Rays.
-The Los Angeles Angels have changed their name two times.
-A baseball strike wiped out part of 1994 and part of 1995.
-A basketball strike wiped out 1998-1999.
-A basketball strike has threatened to wipe out 2011-12.
-A hockey strike wiped out 2004-2005.
-Greg LeMond, at one time the biggest American name in cycling and three-time Tour de France winner, retired.
-Lance Armstrong won seven consecutive Tours de France, was accused of doping on several dozen several occasions, never tested positive, retired, returned to cycling, and finished third in the Tour de France.
-Floyd Landis got famous, tested positive, and got unfamous.
-Bill Clinton was elected President and served two terms.
-George W. Bush became owner of the Texas Rangers, Governor of Texas, and a two-term US President.
-Barack Obama graduated from Law School, wrote two books, worked as a law professor in Chicago, got elected to the Illinois Legislature, got elected to the US Senate, and got elected President.
-People learned who Osama bin Laden was.
-Osama bin Laden died.
-Pakistan, India, and North Korea got The Bomb.
-The United States has fought the two longest wars in our history.
-The United States Congress has not officially declared war.
-Jurassic Park 1, 2, and 3 were released in theaters.
-Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III were released in theaters.
-The entire Harry Potter book series was written, published, and turned into movies.
-Charles and Diana got divorced, Diana died in a car accident, and her son William got married to a commoner. A very, very wealthy commoner.
-The price of a gallon of gas increased from 95 cents to about four bucks.
-Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, and Ronald Reagan died.
-John Major, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, and David Cameron have all been Prime Minister of the UK.
-Canada added a province (Nunavut).
-Hybrid cars become popular.
-Hybrid car drivers became, by and large, douches.
-Laserdiscs were invented, became cool, and disappeared.
-DVDs were invented, became cool, and stuck around.
-BluRay and HDDVD were invented, fought, and BluRay won.
-Two incredible Hulk movies have seen wide release. Both were pretty bad.
-Four X-Men movies have been released. Only two were any good.
-The SegaCD, Nintendo64, Sega Saturn, Playstation, Atari Jaguar, Playstation 2, Nintendo Game Cube, Playstation 3, Nintendo DS, Sega Nomad, XBox, Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo Wii, XBox 360, and Nintendo DSi were released.
-The iPod was invented. iPod ads were invented, became cliche, and stopped running.
-The iMac, iBook, Macbook, and iPad were invented.
-iTunes was launched and became the single-largest seller of music in the world.
-Gateway2000 became Gateway, opened 200 direct-to-consumer stores, bought eMachines, and got purchased themselves by Acer.
-America Online released AOL 1.0 Windows, became popular, eventually led to 30 million subscribers, released AOL instant messenger, printed billions of never-used installation CDs, got bought by Time Warner, got spun off, and had an IPO.
-People learned what Google was. Hint: It's a misspelling.
-Google became a verb.
-Google Inc released a statement requesting of the general public to capitalize the verb "to Google" and to use it only when talking about actually using Google.
-Google Inc got big. Really, really big.
-Cell phones became popular. Really, really popular.
-Laptop computers become popular. Really, really popular.
-The Internet got big. Really, really big.
-Tina Turner, the Rolling Stones, and Kiss all had farewell tours that weren't their last tours.
-Nickelback killed music.
-Mel Gibson turned out to be a real jackass.
-Kevin Costner got famous, disappeared, got famous again, disappeared again.
-Robin Williams won an Oscar.
-George Michael, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Michael Stipe all came out of the closet.
-People still hate Bud Selig.

Ode to the Region's Largest Grocer*

Dear Crestwood Schnucks employee,
Much as I appreciate the sentiment -
No, I do not think I will be back soon.
In fact, I do not think I will be back at all.

Please indulge me whilst I explain:

When you have but two active registers,
Plus the self-checkout,
It is bad form to send one cashier to the customer service counter
For bills and coins.

When you have but two active registers,
And one cashier
Has traipsed
For change
You should not shut down the self-checkout.
If you have begun to do so,
You should lock the drawer
And send that cashier to a register
To ring.

When a line is forming at your one active register,
You should not have to have a bagger
Check on the other
To see if the cashier
Is still working.

The other cashiers should be aware
That she is just
Getting
Dollas.

Holla.

When you have one active checkout lane
And your other cashier
Is on the aforementioned errand
And your remaining cashier
Sees one customer
With two carts
He should not feel like he cannot call for help.
Becuase he can
And he should
Or else the line
Which has formed
Because your cashiers are oblivious
Or on walkabout
Will get pissy.

Also

When you are not busy
Your trash cans should not be overflowing.

When your trash cans are overflowing
You should empty them.

Your receipt reconciling station
Should not be
Facing away from the customer service counter
Because if it is
Then your customer service team member
(The only one you have on the clock
Because you have failed to adequately schedule
Your employees)
Cannot see the counter
Which means
I have to ring the goddamn bell
Or I would
If you had the decency
To give me
A
Goddamn
Bell.

But you didn't.
So I had to clear my throat
Like a douche.

I know how often people say, "I could do this job."
But if your managers' years of experience
And training
And continuing education
Results in this
Clusterfuck
Then yes.
I could manage one of your stores.
And I would fuck it up
Spectacularly.

But the light from my failplosion
Rippling across the Universe
(or at least South County)
Would pale in comparison
To those waves of agony created
By your
Supernova
of
Shit.



*Alternate Title: Why I Spent 15 Minutes In the Checkout Lane for Five Items