Ode to the Region's Largest Grocer*

Dear Crestwood Schnucks employee,
Much as I appreciate the sentiment -
No, I do not think I will be back soon.
In fact, I do not think I will be back at all.

Please indulge me whilst I explain:

When you have but two active registers,
Plus the self-checkout,
It is bad form to send one cashier to the customer service counter
For bills and coins.

When you have but two active registers,
And one cashier
Has traipsed
For change
You should not shut down the self-checkout.
If you have begun to do so,
You should lock the drawer
And send that cashier to a register
To ring.

When a line is forming at your one active register,
You should not have to have a bagger
Check on the other
To see if the cashier
Is still working.

The other cashiers should be aware
That she is just
Getting
Dollas.

Holla.

When you have one active checkout lane
And your other cashier
Is on the aforementioned errand
And your remaining cashier
Sees one customer
With two carts
He should not feel like he cannot call for help.
Becuase he can
And he should
Or else the line
Which has formed
Because your cashiers are oblivious
Or on walkabout
Will get pissy.

Also

When you are not busy
Your trash cans should not be overflowing.

When your trash cans are overflowing
You should empty them.

Your receipt reconciling station
Should not be
Facing away from the customer service counter
Because if it is
Then your customer service team member
(The only one you have on the clock
Because you have failed to adequately schedule
Your employees)
Cannot see the counter
Which means
I have to ring the goddamn bell
Or I would
If you had the decency
To give me
A
Goddamn
Bell.

But you didn't.
So I had to clear my throat
Like a douche.

I know how often people say, "I could do this job."
But if your managers' years of experience
And training
And continuing education
Results in this
Clusterfuck
Then yes.
I could manage one of your stores.
And I would fuck it up
Spectacularly.

But the light from my failplosion
Rippling across the Universe
(or at least South County)
Would pale in comparison
To those waves of agony created
By your
Supernova
of
Shit.



*Alternate Title: Why I Spent 15 Minutes In the Checkout Lane for Five Items