Week 17 Picks

The possibility exists that I am not going to do anything in celebration of New Year's eve this year, which would make only the first time that I've ever not really celebrated. I'm not sure exactly the reasons behind it - Lord knows I still have enough friends around here to do something. It's just that...well, I'm not sure I want to. New Year's Eve in St. Louis the last two years has been in the 40s and 50s, and I'm not sure that I really want much to do with a New Year that starts out on such a hot note. If this were Tahiti, I'd understand, but I live in the midwest. You'd think that the land of fluctuating temperatures would have its temperatures actually fluctuate.

Anyway, this week is also the last week of the NFL (the first time the NFL has finished its season before the first weekend of January in recent memory). So here, for the last time this year, are my picks.

Side note: If I gambled, I would be significantly richer today than I was at the start of the season.

Denver at San Diego: The Chargers are one of the big disappointments this season. Their roster should have been 15-1 this season, not 9-6 (or 9-7 after this game). Broncos
New York Giants at Oakland: Even with Eli Manning's recent inconsistency, the Giants have a chance to clinch the NFC East with a win this week. Oakland has a chance to continue to suck. Giants
Arizona at Indianapolis: The Cardinals will most definitely re-sign Kurt Warner next season, and maybe they'll give him an offensive line to play behind, and a running back to hand off to. This, by the way, is your last chance to see Josh McCown in a Cardinals uniform. Colts
Baltimore at Cleveland: Don't look now, but Kyle Boller has just figured out the NFL. Ravens
Buffalo at New York Jets: This is a tough call, but I'll say that since the Bills beat the Bengals last week, they're a better team, whereas the Jets are not. Bills
Carolina at Atlanta: For the last few weeks, I've been saying, "If the Falcons beat [team x] they'll get their first back-to-back winning seasons in team history." Now they're 8-7, and and have to play the Panthers. Well, better luck next year. Panthers
Cincinnati at Kansas City: The Chargers are one of the big disappointments this season. Their roster should have been 15-1 this season, not 9-6 (or 9-7 after this game). Wait, I meant the Chiefs. Bengals
Detroit at Pittsburgh: Two weeks ago, fans of the Lions held a march, an "Orange-out," and protests at sporting events around the country to get Matt Millen fired. Today will be one of the days when ownership wishes they'd listened. Steelers
Miami at New England: Nobody thought the Dolphis would be as good this year as they are, and coach Saban has done a fine job with them. But the Patriots...well, they're still the Patriots. Patriots
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: If New Orleans loses, they'll be first in the 5-team sweepstakes (Green Bay, Houston, San Fran, Detroit are the others) for Matt Leinart or Reggie Bush, or the package of picks that would come from trading one of those two. I'd like to see how that works out. Buccaneers
Seattle at Green Bay: How bad is life for the Packers? They're on their sixth starting running back this season. Seahawks
Houston at San Francisco: The Texans are actually going to take themselves out of the Bush sweepstakes. Texans
Tennessee at Jacksonville: I stand by my statement last week that McNair should be the league's MVP. The quarterback is the leader on the field, and every week the Titans play hard. They just do it badly. Jaguars
Chicago at Minnesota: I don't think that Rex Grossman is the reason the Bears have been playing better these last few weeks. I think that his team thinks he's the reason, and that placebo effect is what's going to win them a few more games before it's all through. Bears
Washington at Philadelphia: A win here captures the first NFC playoff berth for the Redskins since Dan Snyder bought the team. His meddling paid off! Redskins
Saint Louis at Dallas: Whoever gets the position at head coach for the Rams next year is going to have to find himself a new defensive coordinator - the Rams defense has been atrocious all year. Cowboys

Well, that's it. I'm like 6 games down to Chris on the season, so my only hope of winning will be him to start picking really, really poorly this week (hint, hint).

And happy new year!

It's Your Own Damn Fault

Every can of aerosol whatever has a warning on it that says, "Contents under pressure. Do not puncture." Even the industrial-strength air freshener in our mens' rooms here in the office (don't ask) have that warning.

A woman in New York failed to heed those warnings in 2003, and in addition to getting herself covered in hairspray, burnt to death when the cloud of hairspray from opening the can was ignited by her furnace.

Now, her children are suing the company that manufactured the hairspray (it's Aquanet, by the way, a brand most famous because you can buy Aquanet cans with hidden chambers to store your valuables).

I'm not usually one to tell someone who died, or their relatives, that they deserved what they got. Truthfully, nobody deserves to burn to death, because it's a rotten way to go. And more often than not I take the side of the consumer when a product injures them - but this is one of those cases where there's no way that over the years this woman didn't once see that warning. And everyone knows that hairspray is flammable.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that this isn't the sort of thing that should get money for the distraught kids.

NFL Picks, Week 16, and Other Miscellany

Because this is probably the last post before two major religions begin their winter holidays, let me take the chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah, or whichever celebration you prefer if it's not on that short, but mostly-inclusive, list.

I'll be in Charleston, West Virginia, enjoying the unseasonally warm weather with my parents and my Dad's kin, then a jaunt up to Canton, Ohio (not to be confused with Canton, Michigan, or any of the cantons of Switzerland, of which there are 20, as well as six half-cantons), and then to Toledo, Ohio (not to be confused with Toledo, Spain, because I really have no intentions of going to Europe at all this winter). Mayhaps I'll find my recently-promoted cousin and run around with him a bit.

A side note: My cousin Steve squeaked out of high school - not for lack of intelligence, just lack of trying. He managed to grow some very fragile South American herbs in a closet using his wits and a few hundred bucks to buy lighting equipment - whereas the Cincinnati Bengals' head groundskeeper kept having problems with a plant as simple as grass. Let me reiterate: Steve: high school grad, grows fragile plants in closets. Cincinnati Bengals groundskeeper: college grad, kills the most ubiquitous multicellular land plant in the United States.

Anyway, Steve has taken his high school diploma and parlayed it into a position as kitchen manager at a restaurant in Toledo, where he now makes more money than me and is surrounded by more bikers and beautiful people (not usually the same). Why did I go to college again?

Anyway, on to this week's NFL picks.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay: The Falcons are one win away from their second winning season in a row, something the franchise has never done before. So why couldn't they draw Houston and San Francisco the last two weeks in a row? Tough nuts. Buccaneers over Falcons.
Buffalo at Cincinnati: Some people in Cincinnati feel sorry for Takeo Spikes, who left the Bengals because of their losing ways, only to go to Buffalo and find a franchise mired in losing ways. I feel sorrier for Aaron Schobel of the Bills, because his brother Matt plays for the Bengals, and you just know Matt's rubbing that whole "Division Champion" and "playoffs" and "winning record" thing in his brother's face. Bengals over Bills.
Dallas at Carolina: That's right, Quincy Carter really was the reason the Cowboys made the playoffs in 2003. Panthers over Cowboys.
Detroit at New Orleans: Gawd, this is a tossup. I'll say New Orleans, just because I like the idea of Todd Bauman beating out Aaron Brooks for starter next year. Saints over Lions.
Jacksonville at Houston: Despite being 10-4, Jacksonville hasn't yet clinched a playoff birth. In the NFC, they'd already have been crowned conference champs. Jaguars over Texans.
New York (NFC) at Washington: In the 80s, these two teams played two games a year that basically decided who'd make the playoffs and who wouldn't. This year, the Redskins can make the playoffs under the following conditions: Washington win plus Dallas loss plus Atlanta loss plus Minnesota loss. And that's just this week; don't even ask about next week. Redskins over Giants.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Romeo Crennel has done a fine job with the Browns, but the Steelers are still in the playoff hunt, and have something besides pride to lose. Steelers over Browns.
San Diego at Kansas City: People are making a big to-do about how not suspending Antonio Gates would have been a better move for the Chargers, but they don't realize that a team with this roster should make the playoffs even with a free loss. Chargers over Chiefs.
San Francisco at Saint Louis: How the 49ers are still in cap hell is beyond me, but whatever. They're clear next year. Rams over 49ers.
Tennessee at Miami: Most Valuable Player shouldn't be a guy on a winning team - it should be Steve Freaking McNair - without him, the Titans struggle to reach 3 wins this year. Dolphins over Titans.
Philadelphia at Arizona: Most Valuable Player shouldn't be a guy on a winning team - it should be...oh, forget it. I think the whole world knows Kurt Warner was the only thing allowing the Cardinals to win this year. Now he's out for the season, joining 11 other Cardinals on Injured Reserve (The Cardinals' 12 men on IR is second most in the league, behind, of all teams, Philadelphia with 13). Eagles over Cardinals.
Indianapolis at Seattle: Tony Dungy, as the head coach, is the most important man on the team. My condolences to him and his family; their loss is made so much worse by when it happened. Seahawks over Colts.
Oakland at Denver: The Broncos are the least-talked-about 11-3 team in the NFL. What the hell? Broncos over Raiders.
Chicago at Green Bay: This is not at all how anybody thought Brett Favre's career would end. Bears over Packers.
Minnesota at Baltimore: Even after the Love Boat thing, Minnesota is still in the playoff hunt. That's how bad the NFC really is. Vikings over Ravens.
New England at New York (AFC): This is John Madden's last game with Monday Night Football, which is kind of a shame, because now Al Michaels will have to find a new incoherent cohort to blabber on about turducken and how scoring more points usually makes you the winner. As for the game, who cares? Patriots over Jets.

Trials of a Spoiled Fan

The last time the Cincinnati Bengals had double-digit wins was in 1988. I was 8, my girlfriend was 6, and the Simpsons were still on the Tracey Ullman show. The Bengals lost in the Super Bowl against the San Francisco 49ers. If you go to Cincinnati today, and stand in the middle of a crowded street and say, "Montana to Taylor in the end zone, TOUCHDOWN!" you will still find plenty of people willing to beat you into a senseless pulp.

The last time the Bengals had a winning season was in 1990, when they finished the year 9-7 and got beaten in the playoffs by the Raiders. Bo Jackson's career ended that day. The next week, the Raiders lost to the Bills in the AFC Championship game, and the Buffalo Bills went on to lose the first of four straight Super Bowls.

Today, the Bengals beat the Detroit Lions to go to 11-3 and claim their first division title since that 1988 season.

And you know what?

I thought after 15 long years of suckitude, I'd be thrilled just to be over .500.

Then the Bengals beat the Steelers two weeks ago, and I said, "You know, 9-7 is OK, but playoffs would be better..." Nevermind that it was the Bengals first season over .500 since 1990. There have been three presidents since then.

Then they beat the Lions today, and I'm already saying, "You know, playoffs are OK, but a playoff win would be better..."

I'm terrified that I'm going to become one of those bitch-ass fans who does nothing but gripe every time his team doesn't win the Super Bowl. And then what will I be?

A Steelers fan. *shudder*

How am I Going to Afford This?

So, Kirsten and I are looking into moving out of our apartment and into a place that I or we actually own. Even if it's a condo, with the associated condo fees, the math is pretty simple - right now, we're throwing all of our rent down a hole, basically, and we get nothing in return.

Should we buy a house, we'll be throwing our money into something that will (in theory) give us our money back.

Should we buy a condo, we'll be throwing our money into something that will (in theory) give us most of our money back, and the rest, such as the condo fees, goes into a hole, just like rent. It just happens to be a smaller hole.

Either one is a step up from where we are now. Which is precisely why we're looking to move - and we're looking at our first house today. I don't know that we'll buy it (in fact, I'm sure we won't because it's out of our price range), but it's good to know what we can expect to get for what we can afford.

With that little life update out of the way, on to the NFL picks!

Saturday games:
NE
NYG
DEN

Sunday games:
ARI
CAR
MIA
STL (This is how far the Eagles have fallen)
PIT
IND
SEA
JAX
CIN
CLE
WAS
ATL

Monday Night Craptacular:
GB

Lushness Comes with Age

Tonight, I joined the beer tasting club at Growlers, a pub in Creve Coeur, because I've decided that I'm too Bud Light-centric. In public, anyway.

Growlers has a 131-beer selection, plus cigars and scotch and the like. As a member of the beer club, if I drink all 131 beers, I get a free engraved beer stein (along the way, I'll also pick up a gift certificate and tee shirt). How cool is that?

So, in the interest of informing my beer-drinking reader(s), I'm going to give a review of every one of those 131 beers.

Tonight, I partook of Czechvar (#112) and Pabst Blue Ribbon (#35).

112: The Czechvar has a bit of a sharp taste, but no aftertaste. It's a nice mid-weight brew, with a good color and a taste that probably goes with just about anything.

35: Did you know that birds don't have bladders? They extrude nitrogeneous waste through glands in their rectum. But if a sparrow could take a leak in a glass, you could call it PBR and it would be about right. Blech.

Now, onto the NFL Picks!

Chicago at Pittsburgh - The Bears have won 8 straight games, and yet they're considering benching Kyle Orton, their mistake-free quarterback, for a man who I believe is made entirely from Faberge' eggs. As whiny as Ben Roethlisberger is, at least the Steelers stick with him when he's healthy. PIT
Cleveland at Cincinnati - The Bengals have guaranteed themselves their first winning season since 1990. It's hard NOT to overlook the Browns, but I don't think the Bengals will let themselves slip now. CIN
Houston at Tennessee - This is like deciding whether Milton Berle or Bob Hope is more dead. HOU in a shocker.
Indianapolis at Jacksonville - David Garrard is more mobile than Byron Leftwich, but his unfamiliarity with the offense this season is going to be hard on him. IND
New England at Buffalo - The Bills have struggled offensively the last few weeks, so they solve that problem by benching one of their top two wide receivers, because he had the audacity to point that out. Screw them. NE
Oakland at N.Y. Jets - It's got to be rough for Randy Moss, knowing he missed out on a great sex cruise to play with Marques Tuiasa..sassapo...sposasa...Kerry Collins's backup. Oakland is the better team, but weather plays a factor. NYJ
St. Louis at Minnesota - I put too much faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick last week to beat the Redskins. And has anyone else noticed that the Vikings have won 5 in a row? MIN
Tampa Bay at Carolina - John Clayton says Carolina is peaking. I say that the Buccaneers really miss having Brian Griese (second team in a row he's been better than average for). CAR
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia - This is just going to be ugly. NYG
San Francisco at Seattle - This is just going to be ugly (dance remix f. DMX) SEA
Washington at Arizona - A tough call. Kurt Warner has four 300-yard passing games out of his last five, and nobody in their right minds can blame Kurt for this team's struggles. Actually, the fact that Arizona has one of the worst run-blocking offensive lines in pro football is the problem. Weather won't be a factor, but Washington's top-10 pass defense will. WAS
Baltimore at Denver - Denver is a very quiet team this year. This is a good team to face when you want to quietly rebound from a quiet loss. DEN
Kansas City at Dallas - Tough call. Could go either way, but the magic quarter says it'll be the Cowboys. DAL
Miami at San Diego - Another tough game to figure out. The Chargers have to hope and pray they can back into the playoffs, while the Dolphins are a surprising 5-7. A tossup I give to the Chargers. SD
Detroit at Green Bay - Who's in a worse position: Matt Millen or Brett Favre? GB
New Orleans at Atlanta - I had very high hopes for the Saints this year, because I believe in emotions winning over owner apathy and lack of talent. Boy, was I fooled. ATL

Whatever You Do, Don't Release Her on Her Own Recognizance

From the Associated Press:
Woman allegedly hires hit man for cheese

Associated Press
Dec. 6, 2005 10:31 AM

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Police say woman mistook a block of cheese for cocaine and tried to hire a hit man to kill four men and steal it.

Police say the 18-year-old woman was mistaken about the hit man, too. He was an undercover policeman.

She's charged with four counts of attempted murder and four more of soliciting a murder.
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Authorities say the aspiring model was in the men's house recently when she saw the white, crumbly cheese that she thought was cocaine.

Police say the undercover officer posing as a hit man gave her some non-functioning handguns, bought ammunition for her because she was too young, and accompanied her to the home under police surveillance.

People in the home gave police permission to search it. They found only the cheese.

Just to be clear...

This woman saw cheese and thought it was cocaine?

At what point do we go from criminally dangerous to needing to be institutionalized? Is there a cutoff? Because if there wasn't before, there certainly is now.

NFL Picks, week 13

ATL
MIA
CIN
NYG
CHI
BAL
JAX
MIN
TB
IND
ARI
STL (Three cheers for haahhhvahhd!)
DEN
NE
SD
SEA

Good to be the Jags

The Jacksonville Jaguars have five games left on their schedule, counting this week. Those five teams have a combined record of 21-34. The Indianapolis Colts are one of those teams, and their record is 11-0.

So the Jags have four games this season against teams with a combined record of 10-34. Hardly a punishing schedule, and it's good for them that this is the time Byron Leftwich (or, as I like to call him, Johnny Badass) decided to get hurt for 6 weeks.