NFL Picks, Week 16, and Other Miscellany

Because this is probably the last post before two major religions begin their winter holidays, let me take the chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah, or whichever celebration you prefer if it's not on that short, but mostly-inclusive, list.

I'll be in Charleston, West Virginia, enjoying the unseasonally warm weather with my parents and my Dad's kin, then a jaunt up to Canton, Ohio (not to be confused with Canton, Michigan, or any of the cantons of Switzerland, of which there are 20, as well as six half-cantons), and then to Toledo, Ohio (not to be confused with Toledo, Spain, because I really have no intentions of going to Europe at all this winter). Mayhaps I'll find my recently-promoted cousin and run around with him a bit.

A side note: My cousin Steve squeaked out of high school - not for lack of intelligence, just lack of trying. He managed to grow some very fragile South American herbs in a closet using his wits and a few hundred bucks to buy lighting equipment - whereas the Cincinnati Bengals' head groundskeeper kept having problems with a plant as simple as grass. Let me reiterate: Steve: high school grad, grows fragile plants in closets. Cincinnati Bengals groundskeeper: college grad, kills the most ubiquitous multicellular land plant in the United States.

Anyway, Steve has taken his high school diploma and parlayed it into a position as kitchen manager at a restaurant in Toledo, where he now makes more money than me and is surrounded by more bikers and beautiful people (not usually the same). Why did I go to college again?

Anyway, on to this week's NFL picks.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay: The Falcons are one win away from their second winning season in a row, something the franchise has never done before. So why couldn't they draw Houston and San Francisco the last two weeks in a row? Tough nuts. Buccaneers over Falcons.
Buffalo at Cincinnati: Some people in Cincinnati feel sorry for Takeo Spikes, who left the Bengals because of their losing ways, only to go to Buffalo and find a franchise mired in losing ways. I feel sorrier for Aaron Schobel of the Bills, because his brother Matt plays for the Bengals, and you just know Matt's rubbing that whole "Division Champion" and "playoffs" and "winning record" thing in his brother's face. Bengals over Bills.
Dallas at Carolina: That's right, Quincy Carter really was the reason the Cowboys made the playoffs in 2003. Panthers over Cowboys.
Detroit at New Orleans: Gawd, this is a tossup. I'll say New Orleans, just because I like the idea of Todd Bauman beating out Aaron Brooks for starter next year. Saints over Lions.
Jacksonville at Houston: Despite being 10-4, Jacksonville hasn't yet clinched a playoff birth. In the NFC, they'd already have been crowned conference champs. Jaguars over Texans.
New York (NFC) at Washington: In the 80s, these two teams played two games a year that basically decided who'd make the playoffs and who wouldn't. This year, the Redskins can make the playoffs under the following conditions: Washington win plus Dallas loss plus Atlanta loss plus Minnesota loss. And that's just this week; don't even ask about next week. Redskins over Giants.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Romeo Crennel has done a fine job with the Browns, but the Steelers are still in the playoff hunt, and have something besides pride to lose. Steelers over Browns.
San Diego at Kansas City: People are making a big to-do about how not suspending Antonio Gates would have been a better move for the Chargers, but they don't realize that a team with this roster should make the playoffs even with a free loss. Chargers over Chiefs.
San Francisco at Saint Louis: How the 49ers are still in cap hell is beyond me, but whatever. They're clear next year. Rams over 49ers.
Tennessee at Miami: Most Valuable Player shouldn't be a guy on a winning team - it should be Steve Freaking McNair - without him, the Titans struggle to reach 3 wins this year. Dolphins over Titans.
Philadelphia at Arizona: Most Valuable Player shouldn't be a guy on a winning team - it should be...oh, forget it. I think the whole world knows Kurt Warner was the only thing allowing the Cardinals to win this year. Now he's out for the season, joining 11 other Cardinals on Injured Reserve (The Cardinals' 12 men on IR is second most in the league, behind, of all teams, Philadelphia with 13). Eagles over Cardinals.
Indianapolis at Seattle: Tony Dungy, as the head coach, is the most important man on the team. My condolences to him and his family; their loss is made so much worse by when it happened. Seahawks over Colts.
Oakland at Denver: The Broncos are the least-talked-about 11-3 team in the NFL. What the hell? Broncos over Raiders.
Chicago at Green Bay: This is not at all how anybody thought Brett Favre's career would end. Bears over Packers.
Minnesota at Baltimore: Even after the Love Boat thing, Minnesota is still in the playoff hunt. That's how bad the NFC really is. Vikings over Ravens.
New England at New York (AFC): This is John Madden's last game with Monday Night Football, which is kind of a shame, because now Al Michaels will have to find a new incoherent cohort to blabber on about turducken and how scoring more points usually makes you the winner. As for the game, who cares? Patriots over Jets.