Rules of the Game
First off, congratulations go out to the CS Departmen't softball team, which one this year's combined league. I drink to thee.
Now that that's out of the way, it's probably time for a little bit of a brush-up on some common ballpark rules. Not how to stand in line, or the infield fly, or even urinal etiquette. I'm talkin' 'bout Foul Ball Rules.
Sitting in a baseball stadium grants you an opportunity to do something that very few other fans ever have the chance to do, and that's snag a part of the sport's equipment as it comes flying towards you. Basketballs generally don't exit the field of play, and neither do footballs. Hockey pucks do, but trust me on this one: You don't want to try to catch one coming off of a hockey stick. Besides, who watches hockey?
Now, when attending a baseball game, be it Rookie League or Major Leagues, please keep in mind that these rules are flexible, but they're very important in terms of public perception.
1) Fight for a foul ball. No being a pansy here. These baseballs are hard to come by, and many fans go their whole lives without ever catching one. You want to be one of the elite, don't you?
2) If you're drunk and with friends, make sure you high-five everyone around them. It doesn't matter if the people who receive your manual celebrations are friends, or if you even know their names. But if you catch that ball, you'd better celebrate, dammit.
3) If you're sober, smile for the camera and sit down quietly. Only alcoholics high-five people and get caught up in the moment like monkeys celebrating a banana.
4) If there is a small girl within 5 feet of you in any direction, OR if there was one but you trampled her in your mad rush to catch a ball that Omar Vizquel
actually struck with a bat, you must give that ball to the girl. If she's lost any teeth, offer to help her find them between innings.
5) If there's a little boy within 3 feet, the same rule applies, but don't try to find his teeth. It'll toughen him up to find them on his own.
6) If an acquaintance is lucky enough to catch the errant horsehide, offer to take him out for drinks as a celebration. If he's already plastered, then don't make the offer, but say you did. He probably won't remember most of the game anyway, and it never hurts to score bud points.
7) If someone offers to take you out as celebration for your catching a foul ball, turn him down. Remember: don't let your pride get the best of you, and don't step on the little people now that you're another rung up.
8) Make it look easy. If you trip and fall on your way to the foul ball, just lay there for a while, or pretend you're having a heart attack, or something. The public has a hard time shaming a dead man, and when they do, it's kind of half-assed.
So the next time you're out enjoying your peanuts and Cracker Jack, remember these rules. Your public good standing depends on it.
