Hasn't he learned yet?
The thing about being Chad Johson is just that - you're Chad Johnson. You're one of the NFL's most electrifying receivers, you're strong, fast, and with hands like kid, but you're stuck under the shadow of playing for the worst pro sports team in history (over the last 12 seasons - even the Clippers were better), and you're "Keyshawn Johnson's cousin." It seems like hyperbole, but I figure that three-fourths of all articles on Chad Johnson mention that he's Keyshawn's cousin. Crying shame, too, because Chad's better.

So to escape the collective darkness cast over him by mike brown (lowercase for a reason) and Keyshawn, Chad has taken to doing some rather dumb stuff - not drugs, no smuggling operations, and no prostitutues.

Guarantees.

Last year, the Bengals were 0-7 and travelling to Houston to take on the then-expansion Houston Texans, a team that showed some poise considering its position as an expansion team. In order to get his teammates' juices flowing, Johnson guaranteed a win. "We will beat the Texans."

Fine, no big. But Bengals head coach Dick LeBeau, now an assistant with the 4-5 Buffalo Bills, wasn't too thrilled, and urged Chad to tone down the rhetoric a bit. No dice; Johnson guaranteed a win against Cleveland later in the season, but the Bengals lost that game, dropping his career prognostication rationg to .500.

Earlier this season, during the Ravens-Bengals scrum, CBS Analyst Don Crique said on the air, "The Seahawks [coming to Cincinnati the week afterward] will lose" to the Bengals. Crique is widely regarded as being a complete and total dumbass - he's the same guy who called Drew Bledsoe "Jeff Bledsoe," and believes that the Bengals play in the Oakland Colliseum. Drug-addled mind aside, Crique turned out to be right, and he's now 1 for 1.

This last week, Bengals playing the Texans, Crique said that the Chiefs would lose to the Bengals on November 16, when they travel to Paul Brown Stadium, obviously trying to reduce his percentage to Johnson's .500.

Then Johnson came out, and all hell has broken lose as a result.

Johnson guaranteed a victory. Again. The guy has now made three proclamations, and he seems hell-bent on dropping lower in the all-time rankings, right behind Napoleon. Keep in mind that the Chiefs are the NFL's only undefeated team, at 9-0, and have one of the NFL's top-ranked offenses. Their defense, ranked 25th overall, may need some work, but this IS a Dick Vermeil team - they'll find a way to win.

Sometimes I wonder what, if anything, is going through Chad Johnson's head. He's serious, we should all know that by now, but it's one thing to make that statement to your teammates in the privacy of a team meeting, or while snapping towels in the locker room. But to tell the national media, and to ingrain such a thing in your opponents' minds as they come to town, just doesn't seem to me like a good idea.

Whatever. He'll always be a talker; he is, after all, Keyshawn's cousin.