Less Maudlin, More Marvelling

Why is it that every time I'm there, the women shopping in the Dillard's bikini section don't look anything like the models on the displays? Seriously, would it kill someone pretty to at least take a pity stroll through the department, just to keep up appearances? It's like going to a deli to find out they only serve Vegemite.

On the subject of Dillards, they have apparently instituted a policy of only selling to people who are not me. I went there today looking for a new pair of dress slacks and they had this great-looking sale thing going on - a button-down liquidation celebration, it was. Shirts as far as the eye could see for 19.99 in glorious colors like mauve, royal blue, and canary yellow! Brands like Perry Ellis on deep discount! French cuffs, collar stays, white collars, it was all there! It was glorious!

But, alas! Alack! Alarums! They didn't have shirts my size! Mens' shirts, for those not in the know, are traditionally given two measurements: one for the neck (I'm a 15-inch neck, meaning that unlike some of the musclebound rage-aholics at Bally's, actually have a neck), and one for the sleeves that's given in two-inch increments, like bra straps, or, say, bra straps (I'm a 32/33).

A 15-inch neck is, I admit, a bit on the small side, but not unheard of. I can usually find a couple of shirts in interesting styles in my size in any store - but not at Dillard's tonight. In fact, in a department that must have had 2000 dress shirts stacked in various piles, shelves, racks, and tables, they had one pathetic lonely little shirt in my size. They had plenty of sixteen-inch neck shirts out there, sure. And a few 15½-inchers out there.

I never had a problem finding shirts my size at Famous-Barr. Never had a problem at Lord & Taylor, either; same goes for Express Men, the Gap, or pretty much anywhere else. Pants, sure, that's always a problem. I mean, when you have a 30-inch waist and you don't have ovaries, you're gonna have to settle for second-best sometimes. But shirts? It's not like I'm some sort of lopsided sin against nature.

So, Dillards, allow me to tell you and your false-advertising swimwear department:

You
Freaking
Suck.

By the way, the Perry Ellis suits at Macy's? Nice. I just wish I were hip enough to wear one.