The One With the Pirates

Some years ago, an episode of Friends discussed "lists," those handy-dandy little groupings of famous people that someone in a relationship could freely sleep with, should the opportunity arise. Lists are supposed to be about 5 people long, if I recall correctly, should only contain famous people, and are allowed to be fluid - that is, someone goes on the list, someone else goes off.

Ross had his laminated, which apparently was a joke.

Anyway, Kirsten and I discussed our lists a few times over the past years, and I remember an early discussion centered on her list, and the total lack of porn-star girls on it. But I guess it's her list, and it's her call. There were the standard guys on it for the time, of course: Orlando Bloom, Michael Vartan, Viggo Mortensen ("But only if he's dark and scruffy, not like in Hidalgo!"), and so on and so forth.

Today, Pirates of the Carribean: Return for Profits comes out, and I can just imagine Kirsten's list now:

• Johnny Depp


• Orlando Bloom


• Jorlandy Dloopp


• Viggo Mortensen ("But only if he's dark and scruffy!")


• Larry Walker

Fair enough. I happen to think strange Norwegian-sounding amalgamations of actors are attractive, and I too love bald married Canadian men. The real human beings on the list, though...I dunno.

As for my list? It's been pretty fluid over the years. Britney Spears was on the list, then she got knocked off by getting married in Vegas, then she got back on when I heard what she did on her "wedding night," then she got knocked off again by dating Kevin fucking Federline. Honestly - KFed?!

Christina Aguilera was on it, but then it turns out she's kind of a bitch. So off she goes.

Lindsay Lohan was on it, then it turns out she's definitely a bitch, she's an alcoholic, she's possibly a coke addict, she's got an eating disorder, AND she slept with Wilmer Valderrama. Almost as bad as getting married to KFed.

Jesus, Brit, what the hell were you thinking?

Anyway, I have no idea who's left out there. I guess I'll have to go with the old standby: Bai Ling.