So Kirsten and I have picked up our old habit of reading books to each other as we talk on the phone. Last night, she decided that she wanted me to read her Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the third book in the what-will-be-seven-book series.

So I was reading the book, and there's a character in the series named Hermione Granger. Hermione's a smart girl, or a smart witch, or a smart whatever. You can describe her as you wish. She's also one of Harry's two friends. Harry, I should point out for those of you who don't know, apparently has poor social skills. But enough about that! Back to Hermione.

To add flavor to the story, I opted to read characters in different voices, and for some reason did my best Girl 6 impersonation for Hermione, both speaking and in written correspondence. This got really funny at about the time I read, "P.S.: Percy's head boy." (Head boy, of course, signifies that Percy Weasley is no more than a tool of the man, sort of like head hall monitor.)

That Freudian phrase, combined with the slutty, breathy voice, of course caused both Kirsten and I to giggle incessantly. And, because I live my life vicariously through people like Ron Jeremy and John Holmes, I had a great idea:
Harry Potter porn.
Think about it: It's a famous franchise, and lends itself to pornographic titles like no movie since Saving Private Ryan. If we change the character's name to avoid true copyright dilution, we get:
-"Harry Crotcher and the Sorcerer's Bone." (This one is the twist title for the intelligencia)
-"Harry Crotcher and the Chamber of Pleasure." (For you S&M buffs...please, please don't make yourselves known)
-"Harry Crotcher and the prisoner of Asskaban." (My favorite)
-"Harry Crotcher and the Pot of Honey." (This one probably takes a minute)
-The currently unreleased "Harry Crotcher and the Order of the Penis."

I know these these titles aren't the most original around. I'm sorry; I can't help that. Pornographic titles are not supposed to be witty, profound, or even worth the ink they're printed in. "No Man's Land 17?" Please, they're all the same. Just call it "Lesbian Sex [year][date of release]." How about the classic "Femalien" series? That was a decent title. That's a title that calls out, "We're porn stars, and we can dress in shiny suits, too!"

Then, there is the best-named pornographic series ever: Ass Angels.

I've never seen it, and I really don't want to. But I'll admit one thing: that title is really funny to say.

God bless the shiny full-body suits. Good night, everybody.