Ten Dollar Cover

So, last weekend was Easter, the holiest day for Christians and the third-holiest day for zombie lovers (think about it). Kirsten and I went to church at a joint called Saint Mark's - a great-looking old brick church in the St. Louis Hills neighborhood.

One of the things I remember from Boy Scouts is Scouts' Day, the day in which the members of my scout troop would serve as ushers at the church that hosted our troop. I remember the church, Morris Memorial United Methodist, was a pretty sizable group and had pretty full collection plates.

Saint Mark's, unfortunately - like most churches these days - cannot say the same. That's not really surprising, what with the rise of nonchurchism in American society, the association of outward religion with general assholes and fuckwits like James Dobson and Jerry Falwell.

Rather than lambaste the Christian Coalition, though, it might be more effective to think about solutions to the problem of reduced tithing.

And I think I have one:
Strippers.

Not the full-out bouncing-tatas-off-your-head version, of course (after all, there are kids involved). But perhaps making exotic dancers lay members of the ministry (subdeacons?) and having them dress provacatively enough - and act provacatively enough - to give guys a thrill when they toss money in the plate would get a few dollars more for the church - and bring exotic dancers into church as a bonus.

And hey, there's no reason you can't have a couple of beefcakey guys doing the same thing for the ladies of the parish.

The real question, though, is how to get a g-string on a collection plate.