NFL Draft Analysis
Well, we've all had time to rest a little bit after this year's NFL Draft, and let me tell you, it was a real wipeout for a lot of people. Players were sitting there sweating in their suits on the floor of Madison Square Garden, Tagliabue was busy celebrating his new contract extension and really didn't look like he wanted to be bothered with saying, "There has been a trade involving this pick" for the 28th time.

And the players...poor Eli Manning. First he's drafted by the lowly San Diego Chargers with the first pick overall, and then he's traded to the New York Giants (the team he really wanted to play for) for one player and three more draft picks - one pick this year and two more next year.

But really, the NFL Draft isn't about the players, or who picked who, or team grades.

It's about the talking heads.

Every year, the NFL Draft allows ESPN a chance to showcase its on-air talent in a decidedly non-athletic situation. There are no athletes running around trying to hit things or people, there is no beer, and there are no cheerleaders.

"Let's go Commissioner! *clap clap clapclapclap* Let's go General Managers *clap clap clapclapclap*"

So these sportscasters that ESPN carts out to the NFL Draft from their storage vaults in Bristol are forced to react to the academic pursuits of the league (watching game tape of individual players, aptitude tests, statistics) rather than watching guys like Aeneas Williams lay a nasty lick on somebody - and they suck at it. Never have I seen sporstcasters look as uncomfortable as they do on draft day.

So with that out of the way, lets get to the grades:
Chris Berman, Sporstcaster and occasional Swami: Berman has the virtue of being a 55-year-old loudmouth with a great job and the money for decent suits, and he's been around enough NFL Drafts to really know what he's doing. Berman himself has acknowledged that though there are usually concensus number one draft picks (like Manning, and Carson Palmer before him), but after that, it's really about drafting players that fit the team, and no team has only one weak spot, with the possible exception of the New England Patriots. So draft guides and mocks really don't mean much when the team sends their little notecards to the Commissioner to announce their selection.

Berman reacted well to the trades, I thought, as there were a record 28 trades on draft day. He also managed to keep a constant flow of dialogue going among his cohosts, and he does have an oddly pleasing gruff voice. He's developmentally ready for this task, and there's no need to worry about upside or intangibles; the former is already realized, and the latter can't be broadcast between the hours of 6 AM and 10 PM. Plus, he's a character guy.
Grade: B

Michael Irvin, former wide receiver and cocaine addict:
Irvin is a guy with huge potential, but it's hardly ever realized. He doesn't react well to pressure at all, and there is no pressure in the world like realizing that 40 million middle-aged men are sitting in a bar watching nothing but you for two days. Irvin reacted negatively to just about everything that was said and done, and didn't have a good thing to say about any single selection, except the Manning to Giants trade. He's got questionable character, and really is more of a distraction to any sportscasting team than an addition. His leadership skills are good, though, but the question is, do you like where he's leading you?
Grade: D

Mel Kiper, Draftnik:
Kiper is a lot like Tim Biakabutuka: put him in the right situation, and he really shines. Mel Kiper spends hours and hours doing tape study of potentially eligible players. You can't measure his dedication to the draft, but it's there. It is, in fact, all he does - he gets paid year-round to worry about the draft.

Kiper's hair grease is a potential worry for some folks, but it doesn't matter - he's savvy enough to keep it from dripping on anyone's notecards but his own. He has no formal training in coaching, so he's rough there, but he's a dedicated guy. In fact, he won't screw up team chemistry by being distracted by things like booze or women - I doubt he's seen much of either. He's a solid pickup for any broadcaster, but remember this one thing: he's not socially adept. It may cause him to fall in the rankings, but that only makes him a bigger steal for whoever gets him.
Grade: A

And that's it. Until next year, I'll be watching all of the broadcasters to see who's going to be calling the draft next year. I have a mock set up already.

I'm a fool...wait, no I'm not.
I owe Dave Murray (Fox2 News Meteorologist) an apology.

Mr. Murray did not, in fact, call his weather predictulator the "DX-2 Doppler." The computer games I mentioned seemed to have thrown my mind out of whack.

He called it "Doppler XT-2," which I think we can all agree is a decidedly classier name.

I don't brag about my car, you putz
I'm busy playing computer games right now and listening to the 9 o'clock news in the background (because I like gray noise, or whatever the hell that's called).

Firstly, I'm not a big fan of the whole "Nine O'Clock News" stuff, but that's probably because of the whole born-and-raised-in-the-Eastern-Time-Zone thing.

But the real reason I'm bitching is that I just heard the meteorologist just talk about his great Doppler radar. I remember when Doppler radar systems became big (not long after that USAir crash in Pittsburgh, since Doppler can predict windshear conditions that cause planes to drop out of the sky like shiny rocks). But normally, weathermen just call the devices "radar," or, at the most, "Doppler Radar." Sometimes they'll call it "StormTracker," or "Weather Predictor," or whatever. I can understand those buzznames, since the radar can conceivably predict weather and track storms.

But Dave Murray, Fox2's meteorologist, called his toy "DX-2 Doppler." I'm sorry, but DX-2 sounds like some sort of poison gas, the kind of thing you'd see Nic Cage wrestle with on some dingy island. Or maybe you'd hear about Saddam Hussein having a DX-2 system. Mohammar Ghadaffi has one, I hear.

Seriously...change that name, Dave. It sounds like you're about to attack a subway.

Worst. Fortune. Ever.
Some of you may recall that I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was getting fed up with fortune cookies, partly for their lack of fortunes.

Now, Karma has struck back at me with a vengeance.

People are attracted by your delicate features.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I'm so ashamed
I'll admit it. I know I shouldn't - I should keep this hidden for as long as possible. But I can't keep it down...

I watched The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour last night.

And I loved it.

The show is kitschy, it's stupid, it's got singing and dancing. It's like Sonny and Cher without the attempts to actually be serious.

Some people will undoubtedly hate this show. To them I say pah. Pah. Pah. They'll say, "It's stupid," and they'll say, "This will never work."

Of course it's stupid, people. It's a variety show. And do you really expect a show that has a duet with Kit from Knight Rider to be the kind of show that you should take too seriously? Come on! It had a skit called, "Ten seconds of awkwardness with Mr. T," where Mr. T just stands there and plays with his fingers. It's great stuff.

I'll be watching for it next time it comes on, and I recommend you do, too.

It's a mad mad mad mad world
Last year, the Detroit Tigers lost 119 games, one loss off of the season record for losses in modern baseball (the 62 Mets lost 120).

This year, the Tigers are about to go home after a season-opening three-game set against the Toronto Blue Jays. And they're undefeated.

Three wins. Losses? Zilch.

The last time the Tigers started a season 3-0 was 1985, when they had great players on the team like Lou Whitaker, Kirk Gibson, Jack Morris, and current manager Alan Trammel, who was the team's shortstop. The last time they won three straight road games to start a season was 1984 (They won 104 games that season, which is quite a feat) They won the World Series, too, in five games over San Diego.

I'm not really making comparisons between the '04 Tigers and the '84 Tigers, but sometimes they just sort of jump out at you.

A quick apology
I owe an apology to Scott Podsednik, mentioned briefly below in my rant on how the Brewers must suck.

He's actually a decent player. Perhaps it's just my East-coast bias coming out.

EDIT: Congratulations are in order for Matt Morris, the Cardinals' starting pitcher today. He just gave up a 2-run homer to Ben Grieve, a guy who went yard FOUR TIMES all of last season, and now already has his first of the year.

What the hell were they thinking?
Normally, I don't like to really rip on professional athletes too much. They're obviously very good at what they do, or they wouldn't be playing in the big leagues. Their salaries, even at the league-mandated minimum for rookies, are about 10 times my own. They go through a very demanding training regimen about 450 days a year.

But I'm watching the Cardinals/Brewers game today online, and I can't help but wonder: who are these scrubs? Specifically, Milwaukee's scrubs. I'm no baseball nutzo, but I pay some small amount of attention. I know who's won what World Series, for example, and I can name at least a few players off of most of those rosters. I know a lot of players by name and reputation (or, in Milton Bradley's case, by name and board games). So I'm confused here.

Are baseball's economics really so screwed up that Milwaukee is only able to field the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel players? This isn't a rhetorical question; I really want to know. I mean, I have heard of maybe two of the Brewers' starting 9 today. And they're both OLD.

Here's today's Milwaukee Brewers starting lineup:
Scott Posednik - CF
Craig Counsell - SS
Junior Spivey - 2B
Geoff Jenkins - LF
Lyle Overbay - 1B
Wes Helms - 3B
Ben Grieve - RF
Chad Moeller - C
Ben Sheets - P

Alright, so I know three of those names - Sheets, Counsell, and Spivey. It should be noted that both Counsell and Spivey are castoffs from the Diamondbacks team that won it all three years ago, and they weren't cast off entirely because of salary. They were cut because (drum roll please) they're old and getting worse as players.

I know this is probably a little too strong of a solution, but if a team can't field a decent roster on OPENING FREAKING DAY, they should be folded. Find a new owner and a new home, move the team, and try again. They did it with the Seattle Pilots, they can do it with other teams, too.

Oh, by the way: the Brewers are held "in trust" by the family of MLB's commissioner, Allan "Bud" Selig.

Second final thought: Is Tony Womack really the best second baseman the Cardinals could come up with?

Danger! Danger! Serious Post Alert!
You've been warned.

I, for one, am not happy that the United States is in Iraq at all - I wish we'd never gone, but now I want nothing more than to get it right. Unfortunately, as we discovered (again) yesterday, there is very often a tragic price to pay for mistakes made by others.

Yesterday in Fallujah the bodies of four Americans were desecrated by a mob. They chanted anti-American slogans, one boy said, "Where is Bush? I want him to see this," and members of the crowd said "Allahu Akhbar," which means "God is great."

Very often, the most religious members of society are also the most gullible - they can be swayed by promises of heaven or curses of damnation very easily, because what we do here on earth is so fleeting when compared to an eternal reward or punishment. So we'd better spend our time here doing the righteous thing, they often say. And a pastor (or imam) can very easily sway his charges to do pretty much anything he or she wants with those otherworldly promises, right?

If you believe in heaven or hell for the saint or sinner, then you're pretty much screwed when you realize you've committed a heinous sin. And that brings me to my point:
In the Quran, in the 2nd Sura (chapter), the Prophet Muhammed covers, basically, the "Rules of Engagement" of Islamic War. Keep in mind that "Islam," by itself, means "Peace," but that Muhammed (and presumably Allah) make an allowance to fight back against oppressors.

In that Sura, in verse 190, the angel Gabriel tells Muhammed this:
"Fight against those who fight against you in the way of Allah, but do not transgress, for Allah does not love transgressors."

The Prophet explained to his followers that transgressions included fighting women and children, fighting the elderly, and desecrating the bodies of the defeated.

What happened yesterday is appalling, but what may be almost as bad is not what the flock has done - it's what the shepherd asked them to do. I despise religious arguments because they can be twisted any way you want, but even worse is asking your own charges to commit a sin and damn themselves for you own petty politics.